Getting Unstuck: the I Hate My Ex Anchor



     

So many times I hear people complaining about the courts not doing anything to help them.  I know how they feel.  I have stood where they stand.  I have done the same exact things over and over, the same way they do.  The problem is that they are complaining about their ex and that is all.

What I try to impress on people is that the court will not listen to your complaints.  Your ex may be an ass or a bitch, but there are no laws against that.  There aren’t any stop being an ass/bitch classes that the court can send someone, to, and there will never be a court order that reads, “Mr/Mrs such and such will stop being an ass/bitch in the presence of their ex spouse.

I know that some of these cases drag on and on for years.  What people sometimes do not understand is that they are helping to drag it along.  The court needs you to ask for something.  Believe me, if there was a remedy for asses/bitches bothering people, it would be well known and widely used!  I know it is hard.  It is really hard.  It’s frustrating to have to coparent with someone who always wants to attack you or someone who always expect you to do them favors, but won’t do you any favors.  It is hard to have the kids the majority of time and therefor do all the hard work and driving time that comes with that and not have the other parent willing to help out with any of the work part of kids.

I want people to know that if their court documents are riddled with accusations and complaints about their ex, they should re-evaluate that.  What court papers should be filled with are requests for things that benefit the children first, then they should be about you and what remedies you expect from the court.  I cannot stress this enough.

Take stock of your words and actions in the court and also if you have a parenting consultant on your case.  If you feel like the parenting consultant is not doing anything or if you think they are listening to your ex more and ignore you, it may be a case where you are only telling the court authority your complaints.  In the future, give them information about the situation in conflict, but then also tell them what you’d like them to do about it.  There may not be anything they can do about it, but if you are clear on what you want, hopefully they will explain why something cannot be done.

You will be moving in the right direction if you find that most of your discussions or pleadings are worded about what you want to happen for your children as opposed to what you want your ex to do.  Life is much easier if you take control of situations as much as possible.  If your ex won’t do things for your kids then you probably will have to.  If the other parent was never reliable or responsible when the two of you were together, you cannot expect them to be reliable or responsible now.

Hating and blaming your ex will keep you stuck in this devastating court situation for a long time if you let it.  Work on focusing on your relationship with the children and the life you want your children to have going forward.  Let your ex worry about his/her relationship with the children and what he/she wants them to have going forward.  It’s not worth trying to win over a judge or parenting consultant if it jeopardizes your relationship with your children.

Don’t drop anchor in family court.  There are really rough seas there.  Weigh anchor and set a course for calm seas and go full speed ahead!


Image: scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net





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About lifesdoorsmediation

I am a mediator, Life and Divorce Coach and an Instructor of a High Conflict Divorce Program.

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