As I wrote in the last post, sometimes you have to accept what seems like a loss in order to move closer to your ultimate goal. I have had people surprised at the divorce strategy I lay out for them, but there is a method to my madness.
I have studied and studied and studied relationships. I consider myself an expert on both abusive relationships and those in which one of the partners is chemically dependent. Clients who have had success know that I can predict behavior of the other party almost every single time. I always knew how my ex would use something or how he would present a conflict to the court and amazingly, now I get to know your ex, through your court documents and what you experience that I get to know exactly how your ex will react as well, and I never have to meet them, talk to them or even know what they look like. This is because I know the behavior. I know how they are going to react and I also know how you are going to react. I can, if I can work with you at the right time, help you empower yourself and react in positive ways, rather than knee jerk emotional reacting to what the other party does.
Family court makes certain assumptions. They assume that children need both parents. They assume that parents will cooperate for the good of the children. They assume that both parents are capable of cooperating and parenting the children, unless one party has shown them otherwise. They assume that if there is an issue, abuse, chem dep, etc., that you will say that from day one of a custody dispute and not years later. With all of their wisdom, they are wrong on that part. It often takes people years to feel comfortable admitting they lived with abuse or alcoholism or anything like that. It takes them years because in their mind, it makes them look bad. In relationships where abuse or chemical dependency is involved, the people have learned to keep secrets. They do not admit to this because there is a great deal of shame in admitting their part in this bad relationship.
What happens in the hostile coparenting situation is that years of hell lead one party to throw caution to the wind and spill their guts. It is very liberating to do that, but it because a prison because the courts are very slow to believe you. Judges do not change custody or parenting time easily Once it has been agreed to, they do not like it when people “reneg” and try to take it from the other.
Those who thought that divorce would free them from the hell of the marriage and now find that coparenting is the ball and chain that keeps them under their ex’s thumb, start screaming to be heard and when they are not listened to, or not believed, they up the ante and start telling everything that has happened since they met their ex. The court wants to deal with here and now. They are not going to make changes unless something has happened since your divorce. When you throw out information from twenty years ago, they do not pay any attention to it. The court does not feel that the past is a basis to change the way things work today.
I do understand how the past impacts today. I also understand the courts thinking. I do not agree with it, but I know their position and I know your position. This is why, sometimes, you may find the strategy I give to you to seem strange, until you hear why I think it is your best course of action. I do lay out different ways to tackle a problem and I will give you my expert opinion on the outcome of each plan of attack. It is then up to you to decide which way you think will get you to your goal. I hope that you will pick the best course of action once you are armed with the information. The strategy has nothing to do with law or legal advice. My strategies are based on the relationship between you and your ex, but also your relationship with the court authorities and what have been the outcomes thus far.
Sometimes you have to start out small and work your way toward your
ultimate goal. Starting small is better than staying stuck with a
If you would like information on divorce and coparent coaching, please contact me. Whether you decide coaching is right for you or not, I do learn a lot from reviewing court orders. I learn about the court’s current thinking, I learn about judges, and I learn about parenting consultants and parenting time expediters and how they view coparenting relationships and abuse. I welcome you to schedule a complimentary session and have me review the history of your case. You have nothing to lose, but I also like these free consults because I learn things about the players and the behaviors that help me coach the next person.