Enough With Demonizing Parents!

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This nonsense of the legal community demonizing parents who want a chance to have their day in court, has got to stop.  There has been enough of this nonsense in recent years.

Any time a parent has legitimate concerns about the welfare of their children in a shared parenting situation, that parent is demonized, and their life and the lives of the children are put through hell for daring to question the legal community and their effort to bring  joint custody everywhere.

In the past, custody determinations were based on what was best for the children.  Even though we have family court laws that are based on the “Best Interest of the Child” standard,  the courts frequently push the parents to share custody because the legal community has determined that is what is right for parents.  It is all based on a gender equality agenda, and there is no consideration really given to the child, when that consideration would throw a monkey wrench in the agenda.

The reason I bring this up is because my youngest son recently moved out, which has given me the custody of my basement back!  I am going through the junk that has been acquired over the years and going to do a cosmetic makeover of my entire basement.

The other day, while cleaning, I came across the nonsense bullshit that I had to deal with when I separated from my Mixed Personality Disordered (proven in a psych eval) spouse.  I don’t bring this up very often because I no longer allow his mental strangeness to infect my life, and my children have learned exactly who their dad is and what he is all about.  It doesn’t mean that they don’t spend time with the man, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love the man, it only means that I do not.  There is no reason for me to have anything to do with him.  When it comes to him and I, the relationship is toxic to both of us, and I will not engage in the toxicity.  I did not want to engage in it back then either, but the court coerced and threatened me when I tried to disengage.

So back to the bullshit I found in my basement.  When my husband and I separated, the man did some really freakish things.  I knew he was an alcoholic.  I knew that he was abusive to me, and the children, for that matter, but I became very concerned when the threatening phone calls came at all hours of the day and night from pay phones near where he lived, and the mysterious letters, and a package that I received in the mail started coming.  The man actually stalked me for a summer.  It was all very frightening.

He lived an hour away from me, yet, he would show up near my home, in places that did not make sense for him to have driven an hour to, and to be “coincidentally” there at the same time I was.

I received letters implying that I was a lesbian, with flyers from lesbian groups.  I one time received a metabolife brochure, after my ex’s girlfriend had told me how fat I was (I weighed 135 at the time).  I also received an odd joke printed out, something about a person who is lazy and can’t stand on their own two feet.  The package though, that was the kicker.  The package had deodorant, mouthwash, tampons, soap, etc., and it contained a note about what a filthy, smelly person I was and included a comment about me at “that time of the month”.  I was very frightened to open that package.  I seriously thought it might have a bomb in it.

There is much more to this story, and much I can tell you about why there is no doubt in my mind that my ex was behind all of this, but it would take a very long time to tell the story in full.  One day I plan to tell this at a training event, but what you need to know now is that I did involve the police.  The police did very little.  They really did not care about it, or the fact that I was scared, or the fact that I was stalked by my ex husband.  They told me flat-out that they could not really do much unless he injured or killed me.  Isn’t that comforting?  This is what Domestic Violence victims live with all the time, especially if they have children, and are going through family court.

Anyway, in the end, I could not prove that it was him.  It might have been his girlfriend, I was told.  True, but again, all of this gave me reason to be concerned about my children spending time alone with their dad and/or his girlfriend, but to bring that up in court, no one wanted to allow it, not even my own attorney, who I paid a sizable retainer to be an advocate for my children and I.  As a matter of fact, this attorney told me not to include any of this in my affidavit because it would make me look stupid for having chosen such a man to marry.

The problem with not being able to have my day in court on the matter is that my ex’s bad behavior continued, and even got much more disturbing, as time went by.  After hundreds of thousands of dollars, and eight years, I finally had to have my day in court anyway.  Once I was able to prove my case, I won sole custody, which I should have had all along!

I find it deeply disturbing that family court and the legal community do everything in their power to keep parents from having their day in court and to explain why they should be an exception to the joint custody rule.  It creates a hellish childhood for the children in these families, and it prevents the entire family from moving on with their lives and accomplishing their dreams.

We demonize any parent who doesn’t readily embrace joint custody.  Why the need for such demonization?  We don’t demonize mass murderers, but we will demonize a parent who just wants their children to be safe???

Back in 1993, a man opened fire on the Long Island Rail Road.  There were dozens of witnesses.  Passengers held him down until police arrived and handcuffed him.  There was no question that he did it.  Still, he was entitled to his day in court.  No one was demonizing him for pleading not guilty and wanting his day in court.  No one.  He had his trial, represented himself and was found guilty.  Justice worked, as it should have.

Why then, do family courts try to deny parents their day in court and to raise questions important to their child’s future?  Why does the legal community treat a mass murderer with more respect than they do a parent in family court?  It doesn’t make sense and it needs to stop.

And by the way, this is not only happening to parents who experience domestic violence.  There are many parents who know that their children will not be taken care of by the other parent for numerous reasons, not only suspect, but know it.  They should have a chance to be heard and a chance to present evidence to back up their claims.  That is our right here in America.  We need to fight for it.

Let’s take the Family Courts back to the rule of law and the role they are really supposed to play, and kick them to the curb on pushing their activist agendas on our lives.

 

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About lifesdoorsmediation

I am a mediator, Life and Divorce Coach and an Instructor of a High Conflict Divorce Program.

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