Oh, Ye of Little Faith

Prisoner And Family by vectorolie

Image courtesy of Vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How do people become mired in the Family Court System?  People who don’t believe in their own abilities become stuck in the Family Court System.  People who feel wronged become stuck in the Family Court System.  People who want to punish their ex become stuck in the Family Court System.  People who want the world to know that they are not bad people become stuck in the Family Court system.  Unfortunately for all of those people, going to court is not the answer.

The Family Court System is a crazy, mixed up world of opposite outcomes.  What you would expect to see happen there, rarely happens.  The frequent flyers in Family Court, or High Conflict families, if that is the preferred label these days, think that they can chip away at the system until the truth is uncovered.  No one in the system is really trying to get to the truth because, truth be told, the truth doesn’t matter in Family Court.  There.  I said it.  Do you know why the truth doesn’t matter in the world of the Frequent Flyers?  Because we are talking about family matters.  Families are made up of people, and truth is in the eye of the beholder.  You have your truth, and the other side has their truth.  Some of your truth may be true, but some of the other person’s truth might also be true.  This is why the pendulum can swing back and forth between each side and keep you coming back for more in the never-ending game of swinging the pendulum your way again.  The problem with that game is that the other person is playing it, too.

People put too much stock in the system, giving it, and the people in it, way too much power over their lives, but the system has never done anything to deserve this blind faith from the people.  If the people realized just how little faith the Family Court System has in them, they would take their children, and their money, and give the system the finger.  If you are mired in the Family Court System, take a step back for just a moment, and look at the stack of papers you hold from the court.  What have they “given” you that you could not have given yourself?  You held all the power in the first place.  They took that power from you because you believed that the system was more powerful than you, and more powerful than your children.  In your life, no one is more powerful than you.  No one.  Stop allowing your power to be stripped away from you.

The Family Court System has no faith in you.  They do not believe that you can survive as a single parent without a piece of paper that tells you to do the right thing.  They do not believe that you know what the right thing is, without a piece of paper that tells you what the right thing is.  They brain wash you into believing what they want you to believe, and they convince you that they are the experts on divorced families, because then you will come back to them whenever someone is not following “the rules”.

When you had children, did you wait for someone to tell you that it was the right time?  Did you wait for someone to tell you how to parent?  Did you ask anyone’s permission to have a baby?  Did you and the other parent plan out every minute of your parenting journey with the children?  Probably not.  You couldn’t foresee everything then, and you cannot foresee, or plan, for everything now that you are divorced either.  I suspect most people, but definitely not all people, discussed having a child.  If it was planned, they discussed the timing of starting a family, if they could afford to have a child, where the child would be when they could not be home to care for the child.  Most people discuss the basics, but then, they were content to let the parenting styles develop and flourish as they learned on the job.  When the other parent did not step up as you would have liked them to, you just stepped up, and did what you had to do, and there was probably no pat on the back for doing so, was there?  You just did what life required of you, what your children required of you, what your family required of you.  You just did.

Now that you walk the path as a single parent, can you just do again?  Can you let go of a system that doesn’t believe in your ability?  Can you have faith in your own ability?  Can you step up when and where you need to step up? Can you have faith in your children to see the truth in who you are as a parent, and better yet, a person?  Can you trust in your children to develop their own truth about the other parent?  If that parent is who you think they are, good or bad, children will see, regardless of pieces of paper that say otherwise.  Actions speak louder than words.  Remember that.  Live without the court now because you will have to live without the court when your children are 18, even though you will still be a parent.  Will you pretend then, that you don’t know what to do without help?  Of course not.

Can you improve your life, and the life of your children, because you have faith?  If you need more money, go after it yourself.  Get a better job.  Stop relying on the other person.  They have already proven to you that they don’t have the same view of truth that you do.  They have already proven to you that the things you’d like them to care about do not matter to them in the same way they matter to you.  Stop relying on someone who is unreliable.  Don’t seek out worthless pieces of paper.  Write your own piece of paper that says, I believe in myself, and then hang it somewhere that you will see it every single day, and then believe it.

The system does not believe that you can be a good parent without the help of the other parent.  Prove them wrong.  The system does not believe in your ability to provide for your family without financial help from a person who no longer wants to share their life, or their money, with you.  Prove them wrong.  The system wants to dictate to you how you are going to raise your children.  Do not allow that.

You are the expert in your life, and you are the expert on your children.  You are the only one who can achieve your dreams.  Dreams are not awarded to you in a court order.  Dreams are achieved by those who believe in their own abilities.  You will achieve your dreams much easier by staying away from a system that has no faith in you.  You cannot work on your dreams when you are working on punishing your ex.  Do not spend your life looking for a court to tell the world that you are not a bad person.  Show the world what kind of person you are by doing the right thing, just because it is the right thing, and by achieving your dreams because you have faith in yourself.

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About lifesdoorsmediation

I am a mediator, Life and Divorce Coach and an Instructor of a High Conflict Divorce Program.

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