Music is one of my passions. It has helped me get through many painful life situations, helped me realize how deep my love can go and also helped me grow in faith. When I went through difficult Family Court situations, this song helped me understand that I could change for my children. Whenever I hear it, I think of my kids and the sacrifice I made to free them from a difficult situation that I had a hand in creating. Because I helped create it, I could also be instrumental in undoing it. You can, too. What better reason to change than to be a powerful parent for your children?
Happy Saturday! Blessings to you and your children.
As a parent who navigated the Family Court System myself, it pains me to see all of the false information out in the Blogosphere and on Social Media that the uninformed have written, trying to entice you into joining their battles against Family Court and other systems that parents may encounter. I get very upset at the thought that you might buy into the junk they are trying to sell you.
Last week, some blogger/coach was promoting an event through Facebook and because I am always looking for good folks to join me in providing solid information to parents, I decided to join the event and see what the person had to say. The event was earlier today. I am both glad I did join in and at the same time horrified that I wasted time on that. The women is definitely someone I’d put in the category of misinformation-Blog-o-fears-gullible-nitwit. I am not going to name them, their blog or their website, because you could be harmed if you pay any attention to them and I do not want to help them build an audience. Quite frankly, I hope no one finds them at all. Thank God only 3 people joined the big event today and I was one of them, which only leaves 2 people who could possibly be fooled.
Long story short, the blogger is another parent who believes in falsehoods and because they did, lost custody of their children. They refuse to believe that they could be in any way flawed as a parent and so it is easier to believe in conspiracy theories than to have to self reflect.
Keep in mind that I often hear from clients about these sorts of blogs, organizations or groups, who are out there to “help” and I often have to offer reality checks and counter the nonsense that they have heard from these “helpers”. So let’s look at the leader or founder of these types of organizations. A common theme is that they lost custody of their child or had their child taken away “for no reason at all”. OK. So let’s say that is true. They did nothing wrong. They were just minding their own business, sitting at home and some evil entities came to the door from Family Court and removed the children from their home. I have never heard one single case of this happening. Not one. So, anyway, my first question to a parent who wants to follow them is why would you follow their example? They lost custody of their children. Are they the role model to follow? I think you should run like hell from them and find someone who knew how to get custody or at least keep it. Doesn’t that sound more logical? If any of you think that listening to the advice of a parent who lost custody is a wise idea, give me a call. Seriously, I need it explained to me how that is ever helpful. Call me at 763-566-2282 and let me know why I should change my thinking on it. If I am wrong, I will admit that I am wrong and I will make corrections because I have the ability to self reflect. I think my ability to self reflect may have been one of the keys to the positive outcome my own family experienced in our family court case. If you think that it is logical to want to follow in the footsteps of parents who lost custody and sometimes all rights to their children, I do want to connect with you, for your children’s sake, if nothing else.
Your children are much too precious to put your faith in someone who doesn’t demonstrate an ability to succeed, no matter what it is they are trying to succeed at, and I care about parents way too much to sit idly by while they are being taught a bunch of nonsense. It could cost a parent dearly and it could cost their children dearly. At the very least, you should talk to people who hold an opposite view of the system so that you can weigh the difference between what was said by the system hater and those who “get” the ins and outs of the system, and decide for yourself which stance seems more logical and which path seems more likely to help you achieve your goals. On the Family Court hating side, you have people who have all lost custody and still cannot seem to figure out the reason why and on the side who uses Family Court appropriately, you have some folks who kept or won custody of their children and they know exactly how they achieved their goals. One side tried to cut the other parent out of their child’s life completely, mainly because of their inability to cope or manage co-parenting. The other side was able to put their child’s needs before their own and wouldn’t dream of cutting their co-parent out of their child’s life. This might be one hint to what equates to success in Family Court, hint, hint. On the blog of fears side of the table, the leader of the pack has no clue what lead to them losing custody. Do you really think they can show you the ropes if they are clueless like that? On the successful side of Family Court encounters, parents can self reflect and not feel threatened by the other parent. They know that both parents can win, although it is up to each one individually if that is going to happen. Those parents are not going to try to scare you. Their goal is to assist you and feel empowered as a parent. I certainly hope you’ll think long and hard about the people you allow to help you through Family Court because another thing about those who “get it” is, they typically can recommend the best professionals to use, the ones who did help them. They had professionals who understood their case, did the right thing and took the right action. Many professionals will be willing to help you when you are able to help yourself, too.
So why do these blogs-of-fear people give out false information and try to scare you? I have some theories. The truth is that the nitwit people, like that blogger I listened to, are miserable. They are miserable because they live in a land called denial and they refuse to see the truth.
Theory # 1:
Misery loves company. Something horrible happened to them and they need you to make them feel better about it because if they are able to pull a bunch of you into it and you lose your children, too, then they are not alone in their misery. They can use you as another example of how mean and nasty Family Court and Systems are.
I find it laughable how many disgruntled parents tell stories of Family Court professionals getting incentives for stealing their children away from them. So, if Family Court is getting an incentive to take children away from parents, why did their ex get to keep the child? Wouldn’t there be twice the money to take kids away from both parents? No one wants to take your children, but parents sometimes do face harsh consequences when they continue to put their child in the middle of a nasty battle and/or make the child choose sides.
As I mentioned before, nobody is sitting around minding their own business and then Family Court comes to your door and makes you get divorced and have a custody battle. Those are voluntary things. I can attest that it doesn’t feel voluntary when you are not the one who filed for divorce. Maybe your spouse filed and dragged you in kicking and screaming. They were able to do this because you are in a legal entanglement of coupledom and they decided it was time to end the marriage they voluntarily entered into, which included certain legal entanglements. They voluntarily entered into the marriage, but they have to seek court permission to get out of it so that those legal entanglements can be undone, like it or not. Most people know in their heart that if a spouse wants a divorce, it doesn’t make any sense to force them to stay. Divorce is hard. It is sad. It is the death of some dreams, but it may also end up being the best thing that ever happened to you and it can be a beneficial thing for children when their parents emotionally process their negative feelings about the life change, grieve the loss and build new lives full of new opportunities.
They really do think they can take down Family Court. They have an upside down view of Family Law and they really do think everything that happens there is illegal or unconstitutional. Because they couldn’t “save their child”, they are going to save the rest of the world to make up for it. It is very noble thinking to save the world, but when I coach parents, my advice is always to save yourself first. Once you have succeeded in freeing your own family from a life of nonstop Family Court action, you will have a plethora of knowledge to share, not to mention credibility. Only when you succeed are you able to fully explain to someone else how they can succeed, as well. To be honest, once a parent succeeds in taking control of their life in spite of a nasty ex and in the midst of court proceedings, they understand that there was a method to the madness and know that it lead to tremendous personal growth.
They hate their ex more than anything else in the world. They are consumed with hatred. So much hatred, in fact, that they cannot see anything or anyone else. They cannot say to themselves, “I love my child more than I hate my ex and will do anything to help my child”.
They have extremely low self esteem. They have no love for themselves and would rather go it alone, operating under false beliefs than to seek help, especially if they may have to admit that they need help or they have some problems with relationships. In their minds, it is better to continue presenting a fake self than the real self they despise. Deep down maybe they want to lose and create a self fulfilling prophecy?
They may just be evil. Some people want to hurt others. Because they could not succeed, they don’t want to see anyone else succeed either. All they want to do is destroy anyone in their path.
Whatever the reason that some people want to spread misinformation and make you afraid of Family Court, do not let them do it to you. If you need real help, there is help for you. Parents in Family Court need to have mentors, parents who went through the system and found solutions for their family. Parents do not need to be terrified that they will lose their children. It is a rare case where that happens and those parents are doing harm to their child. They just may not be able to see it.
Divorce and co-parenting can be very difficult to navigate and if your ex spouse wants to put you through the worst experience of your life, it can seem overwhelming and unmanageable. Look for people who help. Look for people like me and the team of mentors I am building at High Conflict U. Do I have an ulterior motive? Yes, I do. I hope that you will succeed and build the life you dream about with your children and what would be even better than that is if I could convince you to positively help others through so that they can succeed as well.
Family Court can be a tool or a weapon. That is a matter of fact. However, you can choose not to use it as a weapon and if your ex decides to ttack you with it, there are people like me who will absolutely support you through it and help you turn the attacks back on the attacker, all while keeping your children out of the middle and living as carefree a childhood as possible.
Have you ever sat and watched birds? There is such great symbolism available to apply to human life and when you stop to take in the awe of any of God’s creatures, it can bring some much-needed “Aha” moments. I would encourage you to sometime sit and watch birds.
I remember when I was younger I used to see birdwatchers’ guide books all over the place and there were bird watching clubs out there, too. I am not sure if there are any left in this day and age and it is a real shame if there isn’t. Today, everyone is busy watching things on their iPhone. Everyone wants technological answers to life, but the complexities of life can never be summed up on a website. That is why God shows us the answers all around us if only we’d get off of our little technological machines and look at the world around us. Nature provides beautiful answers and they are always at our disposal. We don’t have to type anything into Google. All we have to do is sit and patiently wait for it.
Just the other day, I was at a stop light, thinking about some life difficulties that I have been experiencing. My thoughts were all about what direction I should go. How can I meet my goals? If I am to listen to God and follow his direction, why is this road I’m walking not an easier path for me? I also had a big nagging question on my heart. The question? Should I just give up? Go back to sleep? Forget that God ever put me on this path in the first place and go live a simpler life? God always tells me to keep at it and it frustrates me because it is a path of much resistance. Sometimes I wonder why God would send me on this mission and not make the road easier and filled with helpers and resources and yet I believe that everything will happen in god’s timing, not mine.
So I was sitting there at a stop light, feeling disheartened and I saw them, two sparrows. It was a windy day and I watched one of them try to fly from a roof to a nearby tree. The wind kept pushing him in a different direction than he seemed to want to go. There was another bird with him and that bird seemed to stay on course longer than the other, but they both were struggling to accomplish their goal and get to their destination. As I watched them, I saw that they would try every few seconds, get taken off course by the wind, and head back to the roof. When it seemed as though they had simply given up, you could see the winds had changed and when it did, they took advantage of having things going their way and effortlessly made their way to the tree.
This short presentation by nature made me realize that the birds know. How can the birds know and deep down I know, too, but I question too much. I doubt too often. Of course God will get me there! When the time is right!
Think of the messages that were delivered to me from the birds that day:
Reaching your goals is not easy
You will struggle
You will be blown off course
Timing is everything
Sometimes, you have to wait for the winds to change
When the right time comes, go for it
We can all learn a lot from birds.
Luke 12:22-27 And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a]26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin
I know things have been pretty quiet on the blog lately, but I have been working hard with a new focus. My passion lies with helping parents. Believe me when I tell you that parents can make it through high conflict divorce. Parents can be of great support to their children in the midst of living a nightmare. Parents can be amazing parents, even when they are co-parenting in a high conflict or highly abusive custody situation. Sometimes, you just have to gain a little knowledge and a lot of confidence.
I am working very diligently to brand our new Divorce and Education Center, High Conflict U, and get all of our programs off and running. The latest is a basic free e-course called, “Victim in the System Basic”. Check it out and if you like it, consider signing up for our in-depth “Victim in the System Advanced” paid course. Also remember that we offer coaching services to any parent who is stuck in a high conflict nightmare. You can find out more about all the services provided at Life’s Doors Mediation and High Conflict U by visiting my website.
Take just a few minutes to go through my latest free e-course:
When I started my journey to help parents, the goal was to save them from the confusion I knew they felt and to make their journey shorter and less painful than the one I had walked. I felt called to be a guide, a teacher and provide comfort when I could. I never promised to have all the answers. We are all human, after all. We need that higher power. We need to believe in something greater than ourselves. We need hope that there is much more to the journey than our current situation. We need hope.
I spent the time of my story all alone. I was alone because I could not find anyone else who really understood. I started out scared and alone, just me and my two boys, but I did ask God for help. I did not think he was helping so I quickly dismissed God and searched for someone or something else. When I did that, there was nothing but me and the prison I was building for myself.
When I was finally tired of my lonely misery and found no one else who understood or had real knowledge I turned back to God and found he was always there. He had never left me. I was simply refusing to see him, to hear him and to trust him. When I gave in to what he was doing, my life changed. I was freed from a prison that really only existed in my own mind. The door had always been open for me to walk through.
I was blessed and I wanted to share that blessing, that peace, that freedom with others who were held captive in their imaginary prisons. I wanted them to see what I finally saw. The door to your prison is already open. You simply have to walk through it!
I went on to walk a new journey of helping parents escape the pain of divorce and high conflict custody battles. Those who are open to change receive great rewards. I share with them the secret to conquering Family Court and painful relationships.
While I am a mediator, parenting consultant, and parenting time expeditor in Minnesota, and I enjoy that work to a degree, those roles offer limited success. Results depend on the good faith of the individuals involved. The success or failure comes from the skills and abilities of the parents themselves and their desire to escape their own prison.
What I really enjoy is teaching. It is in the one on one work that I do where I see dramatic results for parents. It even works for high conflict families. How wonderful it is to see fear and anxiety replaced with peace and confidence and to see that spill over for children. Parents living peace and confidence are able to offer so much more to their children than are parents who struggle with pain and trauma. Pain and trauma will not help you find your way out of a paper bag! Pain, trauma and the stress of a journey through the darkness of family court, leaves you stuck. Fumbling and stumbling because you aren’t aware of your true power makes you rely on professionals to light the way. What you do not realize is most of the professionals don’t know the way either. Even if they do, the professionals will not light your path for you. They are trying to show you where the light is. You have to take it. It is not the lawyer’s job to teach you. It is not the mediator’s job to teach you. It isn’t the parenting coordinator’s job to teach you. In some cases, I have made it my job to teach, but I can only do that in the one-on-one services I provide. I’ve decided that will be my main focus in this coming year and beyond.
I will show you the way and offer guidance, but the work is up to you and you alone. It is not easy, but you can free yourself and your children from the pain and trauma of Family Court and High Conflict divorce. Even when your co-parent keeps inflicting more and more control, financial hardship and fear on you, there are ways to expose their attacks for what they are and find peace for your own house.
The goal of our the programs offered at Life’s Doors Mediation is to clue you in to what you do not understand so that you can free yourself from a narcissistic ex, a bipolar co-parent, toxic co-parenting and really understand why it is you feel so trapped. We also share with you the truth about Family Court professionals. Why don’t they seem to know what they are doing? Why don’t lawyers help you? Why don’t parenting consultants seem to care about domestic abuse? We have programs that are specifically created to help victims of domestic violence. Check out our program, Victim in the System.
You have nothing to lose! If you have tried everything else and found no help, why not try something new in this New Year? Pick our brains as to why your situation seems so backwards and upside down.
While Life’s Doors Mediation can only provide mediation, parenting consulting and parenting time expeditor services to parents in Minnesota, our coaching and educational programs are without limits. We can assist anyone in the United States, or even the world, to move beyond the prison of Family Court. You owe it to yourself and your children to try something new! It is always a free consult. What have you got to lose?
When you devote much of your day in fear of your ex, or thinking about what your ex is doing, you are allowing them to live rent free in your head. It is completely understandable that if you have had many negative experiences with your ex and experienced a prolonged, bitter custody battle, you would become afraid of having to deal with them in the future. Still, the best thing to do is to get them out of your head and out of your life as much as possible.
I do not want to make light of the situation. I hope to help people move forward and stop giving their ex more attention than they deserve. If you have become overwhelmed with thoughts and fears about your ex, you have to work on changing your thinking. It is not going to happen over night, but it can be done. You will have to work hard at it and things may get worse before they get better. What I mean by that is the controlling, abusive, meddling ex will do their best to make you fail in your quest for freedom. That is reason enough why you must do it. When you start paying less and less attention to them and no longer cower in fear of them, they are going to get in your face a little more before they slither away and the fact remains, they may never slither away completely. You see, the problem is not with you. It is with them.
Your ex has been masterful at turning the tables on you and keeping you off balance. Because their behavior is not normal, you may be confused about why they are behaving the way they are. Worse, you may also be confused that in the real world, people view your ex as very nice, smart, thoughtful, etc. They may have a new relationship that seems just peachy and you may be questioning if you really are the problem. Trust me, you are not the problem.
Keep in mind that most people in the real world only get a glimpse of who your ex really is and when your ex wants to, he or she can really turn on the charm. The same goes for the new relationship. They must make their new partner see you as a crazy person. It helps them ensure that you will never go near their new partner and that they will steer clear of you as well. No one can talk to each other that way. The angry ex’s secrets do not get divulged. This keeps their new love in the dark about who they really are and it helps keep you wondering what the heck is going on…and they LOVE that. Remember how they treated you early on and how wonderful you thought they were. The new partner will also be charmed.
They LOVE having you fear them. They LOVE living in your head rent free. They do not even have to do anything because you fear them so much and try to anticipate what they will do next. It feeds their ego to know that they are always on your mind.
So how do you go about changing things?
First things first, you have to put your fear behind you. You may even need to get angry. You also need to retrain your brain to stop any and all thoughts of your ex whenever they crop up.
Second, have a diversion. If you are overwhelmed thinking about what your ex may or may not do about any given issue, have a friend or a hobby or even look for a new love interest and whenever you just cannot shake the evil ex thoughts, call on that person or take some time to work on it. If you choose a hobby, make sure that it is something that will keep you busy. Reading sometimes will not work because if your mind keeps wandering, you will not really be reading. Try exercise, too, and some stress reduction techniques, such as deep breathing, mediation or swinging your arms back and forth for 10 minutes. Trust me, it works.
Third, carve out “ex free” time. When you have the luxury of your child spending time at the other parent’s house or with grandma and grandpa or their friends, carve it out. Announce to yourself that you will not give your ex anymore time than they have already taken from you.
This can be done, trust me, I have done it. It takes some time and some practice, but once you master retraining your brain, the less you will think about your ex or care about your ex. It will become habit to you and you will be well on your way to a new and happier life. One last thing, it is natural to want to put your life on hold for fear that your ex will ruin anything that makes you happy, but that is just giving them more control over your life. You do NOT want to do that. Write down on a piece of paper in big letters the following:
NOT ONE MORE DAY. MY EX WILL NOT GET ONE MORE DAY OF MY LIFE. MY EX HAS BEEN LIVING RENT FREE IN MY HEAD FOR YEARS AND TODAY IS HIS EVICTION NOTICE. HE/SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND OUT OF MY THOUGHTS AND OUT OF MY LIFE STARTING RIGHT NOW. I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY I AM BEING TREATED. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
And then go live it. If you want to find a new love, seek them out. Your ex may try to meddle and he/she may try to make things difficult for you in unimaginable ways, but you are stronger than he or she is. Much stronger. They have a sickness that they probably cannot escape, but you will choose to get healthier. You will take steps to ensure that you never choose the same kind of psychopath as a partner again, and you won’t. Your new love will love you and because they love you so much, they will see what your ex is doing and they will stand by you no matter what.
When you see it, you will believe it and achieve it!