- in Abuse, Abusive Relationships, accusations, Being punished, Child Abuse, Child Custody, Children, Children of divorce, Co-parenting, Conflict, Coparenting, Court Orders, Court Reform, Courts, custody, Divorce Nastiness, Divorce with Children, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Emotional Expense, families, Family Court, Family Court System, high conflict divorce, joint custody, joint custody conflict, judges, love, parenting after divorce, Parenting Time, Relationships, Toxic Relationships, Uncategorized, Unhealthy Relationships
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We live in an age where state authorities have taken it upon themselves to mandate relationships. As crazy as it sounds, that is what they do. We also have the court system creating syndromes where none exist. This is done so that people who are incapable of developing and maintaining relationships on their own, can force others to be in relationship with them. We have judges who want to play along in this little game of mandating relationships, and lawyers who allow it to happen because they can earn a lot of money doing so.
Read the latest, in a string of state control over children, from West Bloomfield, Michigan:
This is all such a farce for several reasons! First off, I contend that only an abusive parent would force their children to have a relationship with them. As difficult as it is, if the other parent is lying about you, but you are able to spend time with your children, the children will know how you treat them when they are with you. Children know. Children are not stupid. Children come to know the truth, as they experience it, not by what is written, not by what is told to them, but by their life experience of the time they spend with you.
Why this judge is participating in a farce:
1. The state’s only interest in the parent-child relationship is due to the state ensuring “the Best Interest of the Child”. Removing children from the safety of their home and both parents is not in their best interest, and will harm them in a FAR greater way than if they are not spending time with one parent. It may be harmful if they are being denied time with a parent, but we all know that children find a way to do what they want to do, especially as they get older.
2. If this judge truly believes that PAS is the problem here, then she would hold the mother accountable and not the children. Stop punishing the victims!
3. A reasonable parent would realize that court “forced” interaction with anyone will not deepen anyone’s affection for you. Maybe the father should ask for court ordered therapy sessions where they may get to the bottom of what is happening and work on their relationship. This would afford an opportunity to repair a broken relationship, and not demand “parental rights”.
I realize that there is much more to ANY court story than meets the eye. I will try and research this case to find out more information, but until then, on the surface, it is pretty pathetic. Both parents and the professionals on this case are failing the children and I hope, for the children’s sake, that someone will do the right thing!
How do people become mired in the Family Court System? People who don’t believe in their own abilities become stuck in the Family Court System. People who feel wronged become stuck in the Family Court System. People who want to punish their ex become stuck in the Family Court System. People who want the world to know that they are not bad people become stuck in the Family Court system. Unfortunately for all of those people, going to court is not the answer.
The Family Court System is a crazy, mixed up world of opposite outcomes. What you would expect to see happen there, rarely happens. The frequent flyers in Family Court, or High Conflict families, if that is the preferred label these days, think that they can chip away at the system until the truth is uncovered. No one in the system is really trying to get to the truth because, truth be told, the truth doesn’t matter in Family Court. There. I said it. Do you know why the truth doesn’t matter in the world of the Frequent Flyers? Because we are talking about family matters. Families are made up of people, and truth is in the eye of the beholder. You have your truth, and the other side has their truth. Some of your truth may be true, but some of the other person’s truth might also be true. This is why the pendulum can swing back and forth between each side and keep you coming back for more in the never-ending game of swinging the pendulum your way again. The problem with that game is that the other person is playing it, too.
People put too much stock in the system, giving it, and the people in it, way too much power over their lives, but the system has never done anything to deserve this blind faith from the people. If the people realized just how little faith the Family Court System has in them, they would take their children, and their money, and give the system the finger. If you are mired in the Family Court System, take a step back for just a moment, and look at the stack of papers you hold from the court. What have they “given” you that you could not have given yourself? You held all the power in the first place. They took that power from you because you believed that the system was more powerful than you, and more powerful than your children. In your life, no one is more powerful than you. No one. Stop allowing your power to be stripped away from you.
The Family Court System has no faith in you. They do not believe that you can survive as a single parent without a piece of paper that tells you to do the right thing. They do not believe that you know what the right thing is, without a piece of paper that tells you what the right thing is. They brain wash you into believing what they want you to believe, and they convince you that they are the experts on divorced families, because then you will come back to them whenever someone is not following “the rules”.
When you had children, did you wait for someone to tell you that it was the right time? Did you wait for someone to tell you how to parent? Did you ask anyone’s permission to have a baby? Did you and the other parent plan out every minute of your parenting journey with the children? Probably not. You couldn’t foresee everything then, and you cannot foresee, or plan, for everything now that you are divorced either. I suspect most people, but definitely not all people, discussed having a child. If it was planned, they discussed the timing of starting a family, if they could afford to have a child, where the child would be when they could not be home to care for the child. Most people discuss the basics, but then, they were content to let the parenting styles develop and flourish as they learned on the job. When the other parent did not step up as you would have liked them to, you just stepped up, and did what you had to do, and there was probably no pat on the back for doing so, was there? You just did what life required of you, what your children required of you, what your family required of you. You just did.
Now that you walk the path as a single parent, can you just do again? Can you let go of a system that doesn’t believe in your ability? Can you have faith in your own ability? Can you step up when and where you need to step up? Can you have faith in your children to see the truth in who you are as a parent, and better yet, a person? Can you trust in your children to develop their own truth about the other parent? If that parent is who you think they are, good or bad, children will see, regardless of pieces of paper that say otherwise. Actions speak louder than words. Remember that. Live without the court now because you will have to live without the court when your children are 18, even though you will still be a parent. Will you pretend then, that you don’t know what to do without help? Of course not.
Can you improve your life, and the life of your children, because you have faith? If you need more money, go after it yourself. Get a better job. Stop relying on the other person. They have already proven to you that they don’t have the same view of truth that you do. They have already proven to you that the things you’d like them to care about do not matter to them in the same way they matter to you. Stop relying on someone who is unreliable. Don’t seek out worthless pieces of paper. Write your own piece of paper that says, I believe in myself, and then hang it somewhere that you will see it every single day, and then believe it.
The system does not believe that you can be a good parent without the help of the other parent. Prove them wrong. The system does not believe in your ability to provide for your family without financial help from a person who no longer wants to share their life, or their money, with you. Prove them wrong. The system wants to dictate to you how you are going to raise your children. Do not allow that.
You are the expert in your life, and you are the expert on your children. You are the only one who can achieve your dreams. Dreams are not awarded to you in a court order. Dreams are achieved by those who believe in their own abilities. You will achieve your dreams much easier by staying away from a system that has no faith in you. You cannot work on your dreams when you are working on punishing your ex. Do not spend your life looking for a court to tell the world that you are not a bad person. Show the world what kind of person you are by doing the right thing, just because it is the right thing, and by achieving your dreams because you have faith in yourself.
- in Child Custody, Children, Conflict, Coparenting, Coping, Court Authorities, Court Orders, Court Reform, custody, Dads, Dads, divorce, Divorce with Children, Ex Spouse, families, Family Court, Family Court System, fighting, Guardian ad Litems, Healthy Relationships, judges, Moms, Parent Coordinator, Parent Coordinators, Parenting, parenting after divorce, Parenting Consultants, Parenting Coordinators, parenting sytles, Parenting Time, Relationships, Uncategorized
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If I were to pass legislation to improve the Family Courts, I would not want to pass a joint custody assumption or a 50-50 shared parenting time assumption or anything of the sort. I’d put forth a “Make No Assumptions” Family Law bill. I would prefer that the courts not be involved in families at all. If you are the two parents whose relationship resulted in bringing a new life into this world, you already share a child. Why look to the court to give you something you already have? The only time a court should be concerned about the relationships in your family is if someone or something is denying with or interfering with your right to participate in that relationship. Other than that, it should be up to you to determine how parenting should be split, based on numerous different factors, and if you have to look to a court for a decision, they should have to look at those numerous different factors, too. A split down the middle might be the right way to go, but it might not be. We should also keep in mind that parenting is not just about time with the children. It is about much more. Raising a child is not an equal proposition. It’s not a perfect science, and it is definitely not fair. 50-50 is something we invented to seem fair, but is it fair? Is it fair to the child? What about the parent who works evenings, whose kids are in school all day? Should we still give evening time, to be fair, even though the parent cannot be there? If that parent has every weekend with the child, is that fair and equal to the parent who gets zero weekends? Kids do not always feel close to both parents equally, at all times. That is just the nature of life, love and the intricacies of a relationship, and it isn’t always fair. If parents come to court to settle parenting time disputes, shouldn’t the court have to look at all of the factors of the case and then decide what makes sense for that family over what is fair?
Let me explain why I believe that courts should not make assumptions about custody, or even parenting time.
In Minnesota, the courts use the Best Interests of the Children Standards when there is a Custody dispute. That standard is often applied in parenting time disputes as well. Many legal experts admit that these standards are out of date. Personally, I feel that the Best Interest standards are a myth, just like much of what Family Court tries to do to “Case Manage” families, is a myth. Families cannot and should not be case managed, and who is qualified to determine anyone’s best interest?
The interesting thing about the best Interest of the Child Standard is that the courts have gone to a shared parenting assumption throughout the nation. It may not be law in every state, but it is the line of thinking behind the scenes. Research shows that children do better in life when they have involvement and on-going contact with both of their parents, whether in the marital home, or after the marriage has ended. Shared parenting, one could say, is in the “Best Interests of the Child”. I am not arguing that fact. Whenever possible, both mom and dad should continue to be involved parents for their children. What I am going to argue here is whether or not the courts are actually concerning themselves with the best interest of the child, or more with the best interest of the parent. Is giving a parent 50% of a child’s time/life about the child, or about the parents perceived “right” of fairness?
There is research out there that shows children of married parents do better than children of unmarried parents. Should a court force a couple to stay married because of that research? How can you force a relationship between two people? Still, Family Courts do try to force their idea of shared parenting on families and it has been a disaster. They instill parental “rights”, and when parents fight over those shared rights, there is no one actually looking at the “rights” or needs of the child. The child becomes lost in the battle. The battles are almost always a dispute about what dad wants or what mom wants, and judges decide which parent “wins”. Children are an unseen entity that everyone loses sight of. They are usually not in the court and rarely given a voice. Of course age has to do with that somewhat, but even older children are excluded from the process.
I do agree that a child has 2 parents with equal rights, and those parents share the rights to that child. I really hesitated writing that last sentence because to say a child belongs to both parents, or anyone has the “rights” to each other seems highly adversarial and enslaving. It creates a misconception that a person could be the property of someone. We do not own our children. We have been blessed with being given a relationship with them and a responsibility to care for them. We have to recognize that both people are the parents of the child, and the child was born to those two individuals who produced the child. I do not want to use words that imply “ownership”. None of us have a “right” to another person. Maybe we need to call it “relationship with”, and rather than protecting “parental rights”, we should protect the “parental relationship”. When you think in terms of a relationship with someone, you can then realize that a relationship cannot be proclaimed. If you want to have a relationship with another human being, you have to cultivate and cherish that relationship. You have to honor and respect the other person if you want to keep them in relationship with you. This applies to a co-parent and it applies to your child. It applies to every person with whom you intend to have an ongoing relationship, and asking a court to proclaim it for you will never create the relationship you hope to have with your child, former spouse that you parent with, or anyone else.
If we want to look at best interest of a child, we need to look at best interest according to whom? I certainly would not want anyone deciding what was in my best interest because they would have to know my history and what things have happened in my life that forged the person I am today. They would have to know my heart, and what makes me tick. They would have to know what my passions are, what I am interested in and what I am not interested in. They would have to know what family means to me, because it means different things to different people. Some people could care less about blood relationships and more about caring relationships in their lives, than they care who shares DNA. They would have to know my life experience from birth, and there is just no way that they could. So who is the best authority on what is in anyone best interests? As you ponder that question, you can see, that is a tough one to answer.
Maybe it should be the best interest of the family. What do little Mary and Johnny need? What do mom and dad need? What does the family need to make this transition easier for all? What has happened in their past? What are their dreams for the future? Can a family find that kind of help in the legal system? No, they cannot. You can ask for court orders, but try to get enforcement when another individual is truly opposed to something. Asking for court orders also creates a bad pattern for your life because the only authority courts have over your family exists now, because of a minor child. If you have to force children to be in relationship with you, what happens when they turn 18? A parent had better hope to cultivate, honor and respect that relationship so that it still exists when a child becomes an adult. Court can only ever be a temporary fix. You will need to figure it out at some point, or you just might lose it all in the end.
The reason that no one should make assumptions about families is because families are complex. Is it fair when one parent wants the relationship with their children, but not the responsibility for them? Families are made up of individuals and relationships. They have different passions. They have different personalities. They have different schedules. There may be good reason why the parents do not interact. There may be good reasons why a parent should not have 50% of their children’s time. Parents have to look at time, not as a reflection of their value as a parent, but rather as the value of their child’s life and activities and interests. Life cannot be scheduled on weekends and mom’s time/dad’s time, and be fair to everyone. Life happens on its own schedule and in its own time frame. Events and milestones happen when they happen. Parents and children have different time frames of healing from trauma, and let me tell you that there are very few things in life as traumatic as divorce, especially divorce with children.
In a perfect world, we would stop talking in terms of “Parental Rights” and the “best interest of the children” and start honoring and respecting the family relationships and dynamics. These things cannot be legislated or court ordered. We can and do have laws to protect parental relationships so that parents are never denied time with their children, or restricted in building a relationship with their children. Denying and restricting time is something that not only warring parents try to do, but courts do as well, and there are laws that are supposed to prevent that, if only those would be enforced. Naysayers will always remind me about safety and abuse, but if the Family Court would get out of relationships, the criminal courts could and should deal with abuse and neglect issues where they exist.
Children are not property and society needs to stop treating them as such. We are destroying beautiful children as we carve up their lives into the ownership of percentages of time, and we are setting them up for failure. They are also being given a horrible example of how to build and cultivate healthy relationships and work through relationship conflict. We have to do better as a society with honoring and respecting each other as the beautiful, wondrous people that we are.
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I have a personal experience of domestic violence. I am just putting that out there so that people know that I know what I am talking about. I understand domestic violence from your perspective. I lived it. I escaped it. I moved beyond it, and I went through trying to prove it in Family Court. I learned a lot from it and that is why I want to help you learn from my experience. The goal here is to help others understand where it is going to be beneficial to you in Family Court and where it is not.
Let me first caution you that if you are in an abusive relationship, tell someone about it. Find someone you trust, a family member, or a friend, and tell them. Do not be ashamed or afraid to do so. It is the first step toward a better life. If you don’t have someone in your life that you can go to, find a domestic violence organization such as the Domestic Abuse Project, the Battered Women’s Coalition, Cornerstone, Sojourner Project, Alexandra House, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, or do you own search to find an organization near you. They will help you.
My second caution is to know that the above listed organizations will help you and encourage you to tell your abuse story to court authorities. That is important. I just caution you to know when it will help you and when it will hurt you so that you who should hear it and how to tell it in a way that really will help you. Knowledge is power. Domestic Violence groups want to help you, but they may not always know how best to apply it in the Family Court situation.
My third caution is that if you are going through a divorce from an abuser, tell your attorney as early in the process as possible. I know it is hard to do because of the shame involved, but this is important for your children’s sake. You have put your children first all these years so you need to be brave just a little longer and put it all out there. Ask for help from an advocate so that you can be your bravest now. It is very important.
My fourth caution is to make sure your attorney understands abuse and when to apply it to your case. Not all of them do. They have to use it for maximum effect. If they don’t, they are going to talk you into making some really bad choices, and sign on for things that are not in your best interests, for example, a Parenting Consultant or Coordinator. If your attorney is not presenting your case correctly, find one who will. The Domestic Violence groups should know attorneys who get it. I also review pleadings to see if an attorney is presenting that aspect of your case for your best interests. If your attorney would consult with me on domestic violence, I’d be happy to help with strategy, too. While I am not an attorney, I know when and where they can best use this piece of your divorce story, and protect you from getting stuck in a big mess.
When you have a history of domestic violence, you have spent all of your time living under a cloud of worrying about what the abuser wants. You have lived your life trying not to make him or her mad. You know the hell it brings when you make them mad. You are now conditioned to be hypervigilant, always reading the behavior of others in an effort to protect yourself. In Family Court, this hyper-vigilance can be misconstrued as mental illness on your part. For this reason, you need to do Family Court divorce and then be done with it. Get your judgement and decree, and then get out. Do not sign up for any court authority to manage your case. While you may think you need a professional to make decisions because you and your ex will never agree on matters related to the children, you are better off going with professionals who cannot coerce you into situations that will make you relive the abuse daily. Stay away from any professionals who can court order you to do things that will interfere with your parenting, and your healing process, and who may completely misread your actions. Any on-going Family Court actions put you at further risk of abuse, and will not benefit your children. Your best hope for healing and raising healthy children is to seek help from a therapist and/or domestic violence groups. You can move beyond domestic violence in your life, but you will not move past it in the horrific world of Family Court.
The most beneficial times to get your story across in Family Court:
With your attorney, from day one
Domestic Violence is a reason why your attorney should look out for you when trying to settle financial and property matters to ensure that you are not intimidated into giving away too much of what you are entitled to.
Also, many states have custody and parenting time laws in regards to proven domestic violence. While it is an uphill battle to get sole custody in the “group think” of family court, a world where everyone is equal and parents should share custody 50-50, there will never be a better time to go for sole custody and keep your family out of the court clutches than in your original divorce proceedings. Post decree it is nearly impossible to make any changes if you have not made the initial plea. Abusers do not think of their children’s best interest and so it is my opinion that you should not have joint custody with an abuser. That is the reason why many states have laws about this in the first place. However, if you find your lawyer is too wimpy about this issue, and many are, be careful with this. Many people are afraid to use the court as it is intended. This includes lawyers. If in doubt, get a second opinion. We do it with medical care and we should do it with lawyers, too, when it seems that they are not being an advocate for us. Tread carefully, but confidently, when you can prove your claims.
Also make sure to follow your gut instincts. Most domestic abuse victims know that they will never get their ex to work with them on important decisions regarding the children, but legal professionals give you false hope that your ex will change. Haven’t you hoped for this for years? You couldn’t make it happen and neither will they. Trust your gut.
With court professionals, post decree.
This part is tricky business. First off, in my opinion, you should avoid getting a “case manager” type of court professional assigned to your case. These would be Parenting Consultants and Coordinators, but may also be a Guardian ad Litem or something else. These roles are not helpful for Domestic Violence and often increase the hostility and interactions between you and the abuser, turning your life and your children’s lives into a nightmare.
I have seen many parents push the abuse claims, when they cannot prove it after the fact. As I said, the best time to prove it and use it is during the initial divorce proceeding. Post decree, there is little that can be done about it, especially by the court professional. I have sat in many trainings with professionals who say, “we don’t care about domestic violence”. Personally, they will tell you that they do care and wish there was no such thing, but professionally, there is nothing they can do about it. Nothing. There is no place to report domestic violence of an adult and no one who could do anything about it if there was. What would you expect them to do? You would think that they could, at the very least, keep the abuser away from you, but instead, the frequently force you to come together “for the children”. This shows just how little they care about domestic violence.
Police can act on domestic violence. The problem for you is that they are part of the criminal court system. Criminal courts will address it and can go so far as to put an abuser in jail. Family court has very little in the way of remedies for domestic violence of an adult. Keep that in mind. Not all court systems are the same. Family Court deals with custody, parenting time, and division of property. They do not deal with crime. Something else you need to know is that criminal courts will rarely deal with an issue when you are actively involved with Family Court for that issue. That is a big problem. Family Court sucks all issues into it over other courts. If a crime is committed related to domestic violence, it must be very blatant and beyond a reasonable doubt, to be prosecuted in criminal court. The emotional abuse and harassment of parenting time and legal custody matters typically falls to the Family Court to deal with. In their eyes, with joint custody, the parents have equal rights to the children and as such, are expected to “co-parent”. Rather than protect you from an abuser, the Family Court often brings you more interaction with the abuser because they have an expectation that you and the other parent will work together to raise your children.
What you can hope to achieve in Family Court in regards to domestic violence is direction on how to communicate and facilitate co-parenting. By telling your story, you can hope that a court authority will understand why you want little to do with the abuser, or why you are always worried about things that might happen because you have had to be hyper-vigilant for so many years, but there will not be much else that they can do for you. Many of them will ignore your claims entirely because the violence history is not relative to the role that they are fulfilling to bring about co-parenting. Even when a professional does believe you, you have to take action about it. Nothing comes on its own. You have to be the advocate for your healing and for the well being of your children. Here’s why it is your battle to fight, for example:
Parenting Consultants/Coordinators are like a mini court. You agree to use them to settle parenting disputes instead of going to the court. The Parenting Consultant/Coordinator is now basically the judge of your family to settle disputes about the children. In court, you must file a motion in order for a judge to make a decision. That is how it works. Courts are not just sitting around watching people and waiting for something to happen so they can jump in uninvited and decide an issue. In the Parenting Consultant process, you must ask the PC to make a decision and you should also give them an idea of how you want the matter resolved. This is similar to how you ask a court to decide an issue for you. You lay out the area of disagreement, tell the court how you want to see it decided, and ask the court to decide it. Since a Parenting Consultant is a mini court on their own, you want to approach issues the same way. The difference is that Parenting Consultants don’t have to know or understand the law. They are deciding the law of your family as is spelled out in your court orders, or agreements that the two parents have created over the years. In their role they are also supposed to “assist” the parents in co-parenting.
When you tell a parenting consultant about a history of abuse, you need to take it further than just telling your story. When you tell a court authority a story, they can really just determine if they believe it or not. They could also, I suppose, try to make the abuse stop, but when you tell your PAST story, to them, it has already stopped. Again, there is nothing they can do about something that happened in the past.
I see victims who have learned that domestic violence has an impact on custody and so they continue to tell their story repeatedly, hoping to get some kind of action out of the court authority, whether it is a PC or a judge, but you need to know:
- the difference between criminal court vs family court
- the role of the court professional on your case
- what are the expectations of co-parenting in joint custody
- the differences between sole and joint custody
- the differences between physical custody and legal custody
- how you have to take action for yourself and your children
- what is parenting time vs custody
- constant court interactions interfere with your healing process and that is not in the best interests of your child
In Family Court, the main reason that courts stay involved with a family is out of concern for the children. They care about the conflict because of the effect it has on the children. They don’t necessarily care about you. When a childless couple divorces, there is no continuing involvement from the court. If you are a victim of domestic violence, you need to look out for yourself. You can do this with the help of therapists and advocates who understand what you are going through and what you have been through. If you are going to tell your story in Family Court, it needs to be done strategically. You have to learn to tell your story in terms of making a request for a remedy, but also to balance if that remedy is doable under the parameters of the court orders in your case. I wish I could say with any confidence that you someone you can turn to for help in Family Court, but I can’t. Even when the court authority understands domestic violence, the professional’s role, and the court orders, dictate how they make decisions. It is going to be up to you to explain what it is you are asking for and why. Your history of abuse may come into play if you want separate meetings from the other parent, or if you want to put limits on communication between you and the other parent. It definitely comes into effect if you plan to file for sole custody, however, a Parenting Consultant cannot change custody so you don’t need to try and hammer that home to the PC. You will also need to understand how professionals must try to balance your needs as a victim with joint custody and co-parenting. It is my opinion that you will do better outside of the Family Court system, but when you have to use the system, do so strategically.
- in Abuse, Abusive Relationships, accusations, Being punished, Bias, Child Abuse, Child Custody, Children, Co-parenting Classes Minnesota, Coparenting, Coparenting Help Minnesota, Court Authorities, Court Orders, custody, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Education Minnesota, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Ex Spouse, Family Court, Family Court System, judges, Parenting Time, Physical Abuse, Toxic Relationships
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After years of parents trying to expose the detriment to children in the Family court System, the news media is finally willing to cover this! I reached out to the news media after my own abusive case, but the media said, “This is not news”. Luckily, I proved my case in court.
Many other parents (moms and dads, I might add) have also tried to get media coverage, to no avail. I am not sure why the media is finally covering abuse and parenting consultants in the past year or so, but let us thank God for the blessing of exposure now!
Excerpts from http://www.safekidsinternational.org/
- in Abuse, Abusive Relationships, accusations, Attitude, Being punished, Child Custody, Children, Coparenting, Coping, Court Authorities, Court Orders, custody, Dating, divorce, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Emotional Expense, Ex Spouse, Family Court, Family Court System, judgement, judges, lies, love, Parenting, Parenting Time, personal growth, Physical Abuse, Relationships, self care, Single parenting, Toxic Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships
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Recently, a parent that I know, but have never worked with professionally, sent me a rant about how PAS is very real. She knows that my position is that it is not real, except in VERY extreme circumstances. The only time I will agree that PAS has been used against a parent is when they are not allowed to see their children at all, and the other parent tells the children that their mom/dad can see them anytime they want to, but choose not to. The other parent will often tell the children it is because mom/dad doesn’t love them. In that kind of case, the parent has zero time with the children to demonstrate that what the custodial parent says is not true. In a case like that, I do think alienation occurs. Otherwise, it is used as a court strategy to punish an ex.
Now one might wonder how does a parent have ZERO time with their children? Sadly, it does happen. A Family Court judge can find a parent is “endangering” the children and take away all parenting time. I, personally think that this violates the law. Judges have the option to grant supervised visitation, but sometimes, all parenting time is taken away. Sometimes, a judge will take it away without giving any conditions through which, the parent can get their time restored.
It can also happen when a parent is allowed parenting time per a court order, and the other parent just withholds the children. One might also think, how can that happen? Can’t they just go to court? Well, sometimes court helps, but sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, a case has been so badly managed from a legal standpoint, whether it be acting pro se (representing yourself), or due to a really lazy or misguided attorney, that the judge has told you both to stay out of their court room.
Anyway, back on topic.
I have known parents with minimal parenting time who experience the horror of having an ex that tells lies about them or badmouth them in front of the children. They are not alienated from their children, no matter how hard the other parent tries to make it happen.
I also know parents who have 50-50 parenting time with their children, and scream alienation when their children start to express any desire to not spend time at their home.
What is the difference? How can one parent, with minimal time not be alienated, while the other parent claims to be alienated? The difference is that the one parent focuses on their children when the children are in their care, and the other parent chooses to focus on the battle during their parent time. The parents I have known, who claim parental alienation, cannot accept responsibility for their situations. They have latched onto blaming the other parent for every single parent-child clash they experience. It wears on the children after a while.
I have worked with many parents over the years, even before I ever thought of doing it professionally. Once my ordeal started in 1998, I reached out to other parents and they also somehow found me., and we would share our experiences of the evils of doing battle in the court setting. I can tell you that no matter how minimal the parenting time allowed to a parent, if they show the children love and a commitment to solid parenting when the children are in their presence, they do not lose their children’s affection. No matter what. Words can never beat deeds. Period. The other parent can bad mouth you until the cows come home. As long as you prove your love with actions, your children will see the truth. The children may be confused as to why their other parent says such crazy things about you, but they will eventually figure it out.
What I have seen across the board from parents who feel “alienated” is that they:
1. Have a drug or alcohol addiction that interferes with their ability to be fully present during parenting time, and they are very disengaged from their children.
2. They discount their children’s feelings about life events. for example, when it comes to a new significant other, they will just spring that relationship on the children, without having any discussion or without preparing the children for this change. I have seen parents move their new boyfriend or girlfriend in and be shocked when their kids come for parenting time and are upset to learn that mom/dad has a stranger living there.
3. They continue to engage in unhealthy relationships in their life and not protect the children from those unhealthy relationships. Some parents are so lonely, with such low self esteem, that they will become involved with the first member of the opposite sex who gives them any attention whatsoever. Many of these partners who are willing to jump into a relationship with someone they barely know have low self esteem, too. They are abusive, often chemically dependent, and will not take long to demonstrate how abusive they are to you, and to your children. Exposing children to that is cruel and will interfere with how your children regard you, ad how willing they will be to spend time at your home.
4. Rather than spend time on new traditions and making their house a home, they spend all of their parenting time complaining or bad mouthing their ex,and the children feel ignored and hurt.
So my point is that the parents who are “alienated” have often done it to themselves.
I know that many people will strongly disagree with my opinion, but it is my opinion. With almost 20 years of seeing these patterns, I have more evidence than there is evidence that there is such a thing as PAS.
As always, I will add the American Psychological Associations stance on PAS. Read about that here.
A new trend in Minnesota is that even when parents do not stipulate (agree) to appoint a Parenting Consultant, some judges are ordering them anyway. From the beginning, I have forewarned people against the use of a parenting consultant or parent coordinator. Full disclosure, I have taken the parenting consultant training, and I offer parenting consultant services. You could call me the reluctant parenting consultant because I find the practice to be a years long invitation to the court system and the loss of the legal custody of your children.
The “because it’s there” syndrome. Relying on Family Court to solve your problem, or to try to fix the other person, is a no win situation. Prior to the addition of these court authorities, parents did sometimes still fight. No one was telling parents that they had to co-parent. They worked out the relationship on their own terms and either got along or they didn’t. If they didn’t, they did the smart thing and minimized the amount of their interactions. They also did not wait for a court order to do what needed to be done for their children. They didn’t pay large amounts of money to defer important decisions about their children to someone else. Decisions were made, often in the same way they were during the marriage. The other parent sometimes pitched a hissy fit about it, but then whatever had happened became a thing of the past and the parents put it behind them, knowing that while they didn’t agree with the decision, there was nothing they could do about it.
Now that there are “decision makers” available for anyone who wants to complain about a hostile co-parent, children no longer have their needs met. The pc is used as a tool against the other parent, or weeks and months go by while parents wait for a decision. This pretty much leaves the children on their own.
I have to admit that there are times decisions need to be made, but this system does not seem to work. It could work, if the parents had a way to hold these court authorities accountable for their actions, and if the legal community did not allow these appointees to decide everything about what these families of divorce are going to do, day in and day out. If the decisions were left to only major decisions and the parents were not dictated to as to how their relationship was going to work going forward. When a parent knows that the other parent is unreliable and cannot be trusted, how are they to believe that has changed now that a parenting consultant is on the case? A parenting consultant (parent coordinator) can make a decision, but they can never transform either parent into someone with integrity and honesty. The parents still are who they are, and worse yet, they still are the product of the relationship that they both experienced. THAT cannot be changed.
So I am passing along a new trend I am seeing. Even though the court is not supposed to appoint a parenting consultant over the objections of one party, it is starting to happen. I wanted to let you know that you should still say “No” to the recommendation of adding a parenting consultant to your case, but now know that one may end up appointed anyway. I will continue to look into this and see what, if anything, can be done when this happens.
PTEs are not the same as PCs.
Also different from a PC.
Maybe this section explains why judges appoint a PC over the objections of one party?
“If a parent makes specific allegations that parenting time by the other
parent places the parent or child in danger of harm, the court shall
hold a hearing at the earliest possible time to determine the need to
modify the order granting parenting time. Consistent with subdivision
1a, the court may require a third party, including the local social
services agency, to supervise the parenting time or may restrict a
parent’s parenting time if necessary to protect the other parent or
child from harm. If there is an existing order for protection governing
the parties, the court shall consider the use of an independent, neutral
exchange location for parenting time.”
I do not know what is behind the sudden trend, but I will keep seeking more information about this.
Image courtesy of nirots / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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This year I have been incorporating all pieces of my business into one and doing away with the Coparent Coach. I continue to offer those services and more under Life’s Doors Mediation. Anyway, earlier in the week I decided that it was time to part with the website for the Coparent Coach and thought I had everything now covered in Life’s Doors Mediation’s website. Well, I didn’t. The court battle forum was lost in the process, but good news!! I have added a forum to Life’s Doors’ website. phew.
Many of you had signed up for the old forum and unfortunately, that info is lost, so I encourage you to sign up on the new forum. This will be your place to meet others who are in your situation and share information, as well as, gain information yourself. Discuss anything you would like: coparenting, the legal system, parenting issues, dating woes, stress, lawyers, parenting consultants, parental alienation syndrome, legal abuse syndrome, anything that is on your mind.
Now, as I mentioned, I had several people sign up for the forum, but it was rarely used or commented on. Maybe I was not using it right!! So even though we had a loss, we now have a gain. This time, I can try to make sure that I am doing everything I need to do to get the ball rolling. The new forum should be available soon, so please sign up. And here is a word of caution. These things can be used against you by a hostile ex or a meddling parenting consultant so my advice is to never use your own name, never use a user name that your ex would recognize and be careful about naming court authorities or your ex or if you are going to, be cautious with it. That is my only rule. So get out there and talk to each other, share with each other and learn from each other. There is safety in numbers, my friends!
Image courtesy of digitalart] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
- in Attitude, Conflict, Coping, Court Authorities, Court Orders, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Expense, Faith, Family Court, Family Court System, Fear, hopelessness, motivation, Music, Music videos, personal growth, positive thinking, positivity, Relationships, self care, Songs, support, Video
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I have posted this video before, but thought it was high time to post it again. Lately, I have talked to so many people who are struggling and do not know what to do. Fear keeps them paralyzed and the Family Court System turns them into someone they do not want to be. They are misjudged, mistreated and misunderstood and have to wake up and face the injustice every single day.
Life can be difficult and many of us experience days when it is hard to drag ourselves out of bed, but when you are entrapped in a court battle that seems never ending, it is enough just to try to exist. Living stops. Fear takes over and renders one powerless and hopeless. The people involved have no idea the impact they have on your life. That is something I try to always keep in mind when I work with people who are struggling. Please pray that I always remember and that I do not give false hope, but that I can uplift those people and help them move forward with their hopes, their dreams, their children and their lives.
If I could give them just one thing…I would give them the courage to face each and every day.
- in Abuse, accusations, anger, Being punished, Bias, Child Custody, Children, Conflict, Coparenting, Coparenting Help Minnesota, Coping, Court Authorities, Court Orders, custody, Distrust, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, downward spiral, Emotional Expense, Family Court, Family Court System, fighting, judges, lies, Parenting, Parenting Time, Relationships, self care, Toxic Relationships
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This is a must watch news story for anyone who has ever read my blog. I have watched so many parents lose custody after being accused of Parental Alienation Syndrome and it makes me sick. If you have never researched Parental Alientaion Syndrome, I suggest you do so. This is a horrible con game that is going on. I have been outspoken about PAS for a long time and each time I challenge the system, I do so at great risk. The system does not take kindly to being challenged and neither do some of the court authority trainers.
There are two camps with much different thinking about PAS. The one camp, the legal community seems to be stuck in group think about this pseudo-syndrome which is a “syndrome” that is severely lacking in any evidence based research. That side, along with some psychologists, consider it to be a “real” mental disorder, because they have “seen” it. You can read what the Liz Library says about that, here.
The other side, mainly made up of psychologists, say that it is not a real “syndrome” or mental disorder. PAS does not exist. I am in that camp. Until I see solid evidence to the contrary, I will not be convinced. The American Psychological Association has been asked to weigh in on PAS for many years and refused again, in December, 2012, to list it as a diagnosis in the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, fifth edition. Here is the statement that the APA put out regarding Parental Alienation Syndrome:
“January 1, 2008
Statement on Parental Alienation Syndrome
The American Psychological
Association (APA) believes that all mental health practitioners as well
as law enforcement officials and the courts must take any reports of
domestic violence in divorce and child custody cases seriously. An APA
1996 Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family noted the lack
of data to support so-called “parental alienation syndrome”, and raised
concern about the term’s use. However, we have no official position on
the purported syndrome.
The American Psychological
Association (APA), in Washington, DC, is the largest scientific and
professional organization representing psychology in the United States
and is the world’s largest association of psychologists. APA’s
membership includes more than 150,000 researchers, educators,
clinicians, consultants and students. Through its divisions in 53
subfields of psychology and affiliations with 60 state, territorial and
Canadian provincial associations, APA works to advance psychology as a
science, as a profession and as a means of promoting human welfare.”
So who do you think is more qualified to diagnose a mental illness, if it was a true illness? PAS is a con game, designed to keep you fighting in court. It has been designed as a method of attack against the other parent, when one’s life is so out of control that the person cannot own up to their own part in why their children are afraid of them or prefer not to visit them, they have to blame it on someone. If they didn’t, they might have to look at their own chemical dependency issues, abusive relationships, and anger issues, and do something about it. People in denial about their issues, do not want to look within.
Seriously, listen to this Dad’s angry messages on his daughters’ phones below and then ask yourself this, “If anyone in my life left messages like those for me, would I want to go send time with that person?”
Kids grow up. Those girls will soon be adults and they will know the truth of what they experienced from both parents. There will not be a judge, at that point, to “force” your children to have a relationship with you and so I will say this:
If your kids do not want to spend time with you, look within. If you truly focus on your children and are present in their lives, and treat them with love and respect, your kids will know who you really are. They will know if the other parent railed against you and told lies about you. Trust in your children. And for God’s sake, get your children OUT of the family court system. Families do not belong there.
Also, read my post on PAS here, and be sure to read my comments to Joe at the end. I never did hear back from Joe, either, and I had so looked forward to that discussion.
(“If you love something set it free if it returns its yours forever, if not it was never meant to be.”)
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