As a parent who navigated the Family Court System myself, it pains me to see all of the false information out in the Blogosphere and on Social Media that the uninformed have written, trying to entice you into joining their battles against Family Court and other systems that parents may encounter. I get very upset at the thought that you might buy into the junk they are trying to sell you.
Last week, some blogger/coach was promoting an event through Facebook and because I am always looking for good folks to join me in providing solid information to parents, I decided to join the event and see what the person had to say. The event was earlier today. I am both glad I did join in and at the same time horrified that I wasted time on that. The women is definitely someone I’d put in the category of misinformation-Blog-o-fears-gullible-nitwit. I am not going to name them, their blog or their website, because you could be harmed if you pay any attention to them and I do not want to help them build an audience. Quite frankly, I hope no one finds them at all. Thank God only 3 people joined the big event today and I was one of them, which only leaves 2 people who could possibly be fooled.
Long story short, the blogger is another parent who believes in falsehoods and because they did, lost custody of their children. They refuse to believe that they could be in any way flawed as a parent and so it is easier to believe in conspiracy theories than to have to self reflect.
Keep in mind that I often hear from clients about these sorts of blogs, organizations or groups, who are out there to “help” and I often have to offer reality checks and counter the nonsense that they have heard from these “helpers”. So let’s look at the leader or founder of these types of organizations. A common theme is that they lost custody of their child or had their child taken away “for no reason at all”. OK. So let’s say that is true. They did nothing wrong. They were just minding their own business, sitting at home and some evil entities came to the door from Family Court and removed the children from their home. I have never heard one single case of this happening. Not one. So, anyway, my first question to a parent who wants to follow them is why would you follow their example? They lost custody of their children. Are they the role model to follow? I think you should run like hell from them and find someone who knew how to get custody or at least keep it. Doesn’t that sound more logical? If any of you think that listening to the advice of a parent who lost custody is a wise idea, give me a call. Seriously, I need it explained to me how that is ever helpful. Call me at 763-566-2282 and let me know why I should change my thinking on it. If I am wrong, I will admit that I am wrong and I will make corrections because I have the ability to self reflect. I think my ability to self reflect may have been one of the keys to the positive outcome my own family experienced in our family court case. If you think that it is logical to want to follow in the footsteps of parents who lost custody and sometimes all rights to their children, I do want to connect with you, for your children’s sake, if nothing else.
Your children are much too precious to put your faith in someone who doesn’t demonstrate an ability to succeed, no matter what it is they are trying to succeed at, and I care about parents way too much to sit idly by while they are being taught a bunch of nonsense. It could cost a parent dearly and it could cost their children dearly. At the very least, you should talk to people who hold an opposite view of the system so that you can weigh the difference between what was said by the system hater and those who “get” the ins and outs of the system, and decide for yourself which stance seems more logical and which path seems more likely to help you achieve your goals. On the Family Court hating side, you have people who have all lost custody and still cannot seem to figure out the reason why and on the side who uses Family Court appropriately, you have some folks who kept or won custody of their children and they know exactly how they achieved their goals. One side tried to cut the other parent out of their child’s life completely, mainly because of their inability to cope or manage co-parenting. The other side was able to put their child’s needs before their own and wouldn’t dream of cutting their co-parent out of their child’s life. This might be one hint to what equates to success in Family Court, hint, hint. On the blog of fears side of the table, the leader of the pack has no clue what lead to them losing custody. Do you really think they can show you the ropes if they are clueless like that? On the successful side of Family Court encounters, parents can self reflect and not feel threatened by the other parent. They know that both parents can win, although it is up to each one individually if that is going to happen. Those parents are not going to try to scare you. Their goal is to assist you and feel empowered as a parent. I certainly hope you’ll think long and hard about the people you allow to help you through Family Court because another thing about those who “get it” is, they typically can recommend the best professionals to use, the ones who did help them. They had professionals who understood their case, did the right thing and took the right action. Many professionals will be willing to help you when you are able to help yourself, too.
So why do these blogs-of-fear people give out false information and try to scare you? I have some theories. The truth is that the nitwit people, like that blogger I listened to, are miserable. They are miserable because they live in a land called denial and they refuse to see the truth.
Theory # 1:
Misery loves company. Something horrible happened to them and they need you to make them feel better about it because if they are able to pull a bunch of you into it and you lose your children, too, then they are not alone in their misery. They can use you as another example of how mean and nasty Family Court and Systems are.
I find it laughable how many disgruntled parents tell stories of Family Court professionals getting incentives for stealing their children away from them. So, if Family Court is getting an incentive to take children away from parents, why did their ex get to keep the child? Wouldn’t there be twice the money to take kids away from both parents? No one wants to take your children, but parents sometimes do face harsh consequences when they continue to put their child in the middle of a nasty battle and/or make the child choose sides.
As I mentioned before, nobody is sitting around minding their own business and then Family Court comes to your door and makes you get divorced and have a custody battle. Those are voluntary things. I can attest that it doesn’t feel voluntary when you are not the one who filed for divorce. Maybe your spouse filed and dragged you in kicking and screaming. They were able to do this because you are in a legal entanglement of coupledom and they decided it was time to end the marriage they voluntarily entered into, which included certain legal entanglements. They voluntarily entered into the marriage, but they have to seek court permission to get out of it so that those legal entanglements can be undone, like it or not. Most people know in their heart that if a spouse wants a divorce, it doesn’t make any sense to force them to stay. Divorce is hard. It is sad. It is the death of some dreams, but it may also end up being the best thing that ever happened to you and it can be a beneficial thing for children when their parents emotionally process their negative feelings about the life change, grieve the loss and build new lives full of new opportunities.
They really do think they can take down Family Court. They have an upside down view of Family Law and they really do think everything that happens there is illegal or unconstitutional. Because they couldn’t “save their child”, they are going to save the rest of the world to make up for it. It is very noble thinking to save the world, but when I coach parents, my advice is always to save yourself first. Once you have succeeded in freeing your own family from a life of nonstop Family Court action, you will have a plethora of knowledge to share, not to mention credibility. Only when you succeed are you able to fully explain to someone else how they can succeed, as well. To be honest, once a parent succeeds in taking control of their life in spite of a nasty ex and in the midst of court proceedings, they understand that there was a method to the madness and know that it lead to tremendous personal growth.
They hate their ex more than anything else in the world. They are consumed with hatred. So much hatred, in fact, that they cannot see anything or anyone else. They cannot say to themselves, “I love my child more than I hate my ex and will do anything to help my child”.
They have extremely low self esteem. They have no love for themselves and would rather go it alone, operating under false beliefs than to seek help, especially if they may have to admit that they need help or they have some problems with relationships. In their minds, it is better to continue presenting a fake self than the real self they despise. Deep down maybe they want to lose and create a self fulfilling prophecy?
They may just be evil. Some people want to hurt others. Because they could not succeed, they don’t want to see anyone else succeed either. All they want to do is destroy anyone in their path.
Whatever the reason that some people want to spread misinformation and make you afraid of Family Court, do not let them do it to you. If you need real help, there is help for you. Parents in Family Court need to have mentors, parents who went through the system and found solutions for their family. Parents do not need to be terrified that they will lose their children. It is a rare case where that happens and those parents are doing harm to their child. They just may not be able to see it.
Divorce and co-parenting can be very difficult to navigate and if your ex spouse wants to put you through the worst experience of your life, it can seem overwhelming and unmanageable. Look for people who help. Look for people like me and the team of mentors I am building at High Conflict U. Do I have an ulterior motive? Yes, I do. I hope that you will succeed and build the life you dream about with your children and what would be even better than that is if I could convince you to positively help others through so that they can succeed as well.
Family Court can be a tool or a weapon. That is a matter of fact. However, you can choose not to use it as a weapon and if your ex decides to ttack you with it, there are people like me who will absolutely support you through it and help you turn the attacks back on the attacker, all while keeping your children out of the middle and living as carefree a childhood as possible.