The Best Revenge on an Ex-Updated

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This article was originally posted on May 18, 2011.  Due to its popularity, I thought I’d re-post it.

When hit with divorce some people decide that their life is over. They think that in order to be a good parent, they must make sacrifices. They decide that dating has to wait until the children are grown, or they decide that they must be alone FOREVER.

There are always those people who decide that “all men are scum!” or that “all women are man haters!” While it certainly feels that way as you try to heal the wounds of divorce, those statements are blatantly false. Just because one person hurt you, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a loving man or woman out there who has been hurt just as badly, and would love to find someone like you. Many people are looking for a decent, loving individual, with whom they can build a new life, but instead, they do not allow themselves to seek out a potential mate.

It is called fear, people. Fear holds them back from true happiness. Those who live in fear never get to live life to the fullest. They miss out on the joy life can bring. They miss out on sharing a life with someone wonderful.

We can take our past experiences and let them continue to hurt us, or we could chalk it up to experience and hop right back on that bicycle and try it again. What I think people find through dating, especially when they are a little older and have been through divorce, is that they matter, and that they are more beautiful and desirable than they think they are.

The period following divorce can be a chance to learn about yourself. It can be a time to figure out who you are and what your interests are. You can try people on for size and it will help you find the right one for you. Just because the last one turned out to be the wrong one, that is no reason to give up and hide under the covers. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Just make sure that you have examined your part in the failed relationship and that you are emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship before you get deeply involved with a new mate. It will save many headaches later if you get your act together!

I have another take on that whole “sacrificing for the children” belief. I think that when you swear off dating, you are robbing your children of a good example. Here’s why: Since you ended up divorced, that was probably not the best example of a healthy relationship. Did you fight? Was there chemical dependency involved? Was your ex physically and verbally abusive? Children learn by modeling. They observe the relationships they see and it leaves an impression on them. The kind of relationship they witness will be the relationship they seek out in their own lives and they will do so without even knowing they are doing it.

One day, they will choose a significant other and have a relationship just like their parents had. Why? Because this is what a relationship looks like to them. Do you want that? Would it be better to show your children how to date selectively and then hopefully find that special person with whom you can have a healthy, lasting relationship with? What a great model to give them, especially if all of the relationships around them haven’t always been the healthiest! Do this for you, but also for your children, and for that new person you have yet to meet, the one who is just as lonely as you are. You just might surprise yourself and find the right one. I know I have.

Keep in mind that there is another reason to open your heart and mind to love, and all of the possibilities in life. Your ex. While I would never recommend dating just to get back at your ex, I do think the best revenge on an ex is for them to see you blissfully happy and successful in life! Go ahead. Have the last laugh.

 

That 3 Letter Word S-E-X

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Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

*The following is a report from 11-5-2011

How important is sex? Sex should not be the entire basis of a relationship, but it is important for the survival of a relationship. A healthy sex life helps couples feel connected.

Not only is sex a key ingredient to a lasting relationship, according to this article from Web MD, there are many health benefits from a healthy sex life, also.

Web MD lists among the health benefits: stress relief, an immunity boost, burning off calories, improved heart health, greater self-esteem, increased intimacy, less pain, reduced risk of prostate cancer, stronger pelvic floor muscles, and better sleep. Read the article for more details, but you cannot argue with those great benefits to your health.

Why is sex important for men?  Men need a physical release, especially when they are feeling stressed.  Sex is a wonderful physical activity that they can share with their partner.  Men can participate in sports or other physical activity, but sex is a lot more fun.  They don’t often get to share those other activities with their partner so sex is a way for men to spend time with the women they love.   Men use sex to show the woman in their life that they love them.   Sometimes men cannot communicate feelings with words.   Since being  close physically  is one of the ways men signal to a woman they love her, they can feel rejected if their partner loses interest in sex.   Ladies, if you have lost interest in sex, talk to your man about why.   He needs to know if you are not having your needs met or if there is another reason that sex no longer interests you.   If you tell a man what he can do to make sex enjoyable for you, he will want to do it.   Men want to know what makes you feel good.   They don’t always know what that is.   Never criticize, but tell them honestly what drives you wild.   You’ll be surprised at how great sex can be when a man no longer has to guess.

Why do women lose interest in sex?   Women need to have their emotional needs met in order to feel good about having sex.  If a woman doesn’t feel respected, she will lose desire.  If she is really stressed out or just plain too tired from chasing kids around all day, she  won’t have the energy.  Women sometimes feel self-conscious about sex.   As their bodies change from pregnancy and childbirth to menopause, they may feel unattractive.  Men, you can help by reassuring her that you love her body.  Tell her she is sexy and the only woman you want to be with.   Also, if you have young children and she feels run ragged, try to plan a day off for her.   Allow her time to work out, get a massage,  or have a night out with friends.   If you can take care of the kids, by all means, do that.   If that is not the best option, get a babysitter.   Schedule certain days whenever possible that are Mom’s days off.   Even if it can only be once a month, it helps.

Ladies, you don’t have to be a size 6 to be desirable.  Great sex is about confidence.  If you love your body, so will your man!  Relax and enjoy the physical time together.  Immerse yourself completely into the moment. Try not to think about the kids or work or anything else.   A woman who is distracted will not get the most pleasure out of sex that she could.

If you have become stuck in a rut and sex has become non-existent, you can change that.   Ask your partner if they are willing to talk about it.   Tell them that you would like to rekindle your sex life.  If it’s been a while since you’ve shared that physical closeness, spend some time reconnecting as a couple.   Spend time together relaxing and having fun.   Touch each other, not just as foreplay.   Touch each other throughout the day.   A simple kiss or hug, maybe just lightly touching a shoulder or back can restart that physical connection needed to bring back desire.   If necessary, see a therapist or a physician. There could be a medical reason why desire has been lost.   You can always see a relationship coach, too.  If your partner wants to talk about your sex life, take it to heart.   If sex is important to your partner, they are not going to wait around forever.  Don’t help them decide to look for someone else, help them love and desire you.

Friday Funny 5/16/2014

All of Mark Gungor’s Videos are worth the watch. Today I am sharing a few of my favorites with you. Very funny, but points worth taking! This one is for the ladies.

Video number 2 is also very funny and points worth taking for the guys!

Video number 3 is for the men and the ladies!

Dating Tips For Women- Important Things Every Woman Should Be Aware Of Before Going On A Date

Read the following informative article from Guest blogger Amy:

Dating can be an incredibly satisfying and exciting experience, or a devastatingly bad one. All too often, women complain that it is the latter. It is sad to see so many women make mistakes while dating over and over again. You end up finding men who never treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

In many cases the fault lies in how you approach dating rather than the men themselves. If you are new or returning to the dating scene after a long time, or have been unlucky with it so far, here are a few important dating tips for women before going on a date:

Be cool and relax
Do you have a big date coming up? It is understandable to be excited about a date, but do not pressure yourself to be smart, interesting, and alluring. If you do, you just end up imitating a set of desirable personalities and not showing your own. A man would want to date the real women, so be yourself and the magic will happen if you both click.

Dress well
Now, being yourself does not mean going to a date like a slouch. Get a good-looking, but comfortable, dress for yourself. Pick something that looks and feels great, and suits your age and personality.

Be punctual and respectful
A date is not exactly like a job interview, but some of the rules for both are same. Be punctual and show up on time, and be polite to the waiters or waitresses serving you. You do not want to be ‘that’ customer in front of your date.

Stay away from the phone
If you have a habit of looking at Facebook and Twitter updates on your phone every few minutes, stay away from it. Checking on the phone incessantly and ignoring the person in front of you is one of the rudest things you could do, especially on a date.

Observe and keep cool
So your date has been going really well until now, but the bill arrives at the table and mayhem and confusion ensues. This happens all the time, so take the high road and let the date lead. If he wants to pay, let him. If you offer to split the bill, follow up on it. Avoid making statements just for the heck of it, and do not bring up the gender role issues right now. If the date goes well and you both get comfortable around each other, you can have a nice and calm debate about it later on.

Be decisive
The above dating tips for women talked about letting the man take the lead, but that does not mean you should wait for him to make each and every decision. Be decisive and choose whatever you want to have instead of saying “I don’t know”, or “What do you think?”

Listen and be present at the moment
Do not overthink or overanalyze each and every move you make or sentence you speak. Be present and show interest in what your date is saying. Listen and avoid making the decision completely one-sided.

Break the ice and acknowledge your fumbles
Nobody is perfect, and there will be moments where you fumble or say something awkward. The natural instinct would be to avoid talking about it at all, but sometimes bringing it up and acknowledging the elephant in the room can break the ice. It will make you and your date more comfortable.

Amy is a guest blogger interested in writing the articles related to dating and relationships. She is passionate about her writings and she writes mostly on women dating tips.

Intentional Living

How do you create the life you want?  Certainly, life does happen.  People move in and out of our lives.  We choose to grow or to stay exactly as we are.  Sometimes we stay stuck in a job that doesn’t fulfill us and sometimes we grab hold of opportunities that present themselves and take a leap of faith.  Creating the life you want takes intentional thought and it takes action from you to get there.

Life is a journey and you are the one holds the map.  Do you drive the vehicle or are you a passenger on this journey?  Achieving the life you want involves living with intention.  It is not about just meeting “someone”, you have to choose to meet the one who will share a life with you.  This chosen person will support you as you are.  They will enhance your life and not detract from your life.  You will not have to pretend to be someone you are not in order for them to love you.  You will not have to avoid discussing certain things with them “because they will get mad”.  The person you choose will lift you up and support you in your hopes and dreams and they will love you, even during times that you may not be acting very lovable.

Do you hope for a job that fulfills you, but never go looking for it?  Do you need a better paying job, but doubt your ability to function in the role you’d want as a career?  It is said that success comes from doing the things you are passionate about.  Have you found your passion and considered a career that goes along with that passion?  Maybe you could use those talents to start your own business!  Happiness comes with following your passion.

Are people treating you badly, but you never tell them how their actions make you feel?  You will always get what you are getting now if you do not ask for something different.  Those people who are treating you badly may not realize how their actions affect you.  By stepping over fear and asking for what you want and need, you may just get a much better response than you had hoped for.  Sometimes people cannot be who we want them to be, but most people want to have good relationships rather than lose the people in their lives.

No matter what it is that is holding you back, you can learn to take control of your life and flourish.  You have to be the driver.  You have to determine what you want and with the right plan of action, you will achieve it.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Should I Date Before My Divorce is Final?



You should consider dating ONLY when you are emotionally healthy and ready to date. You should also date for the right reasons. Don’t date to make your ex jealous or to make them miss you. Don’t date to find a replacement parent for your children or to find someone to help pay the bills.

 

Divorce is a really hard time for anyone. I have never met someone who is going through a divorce who doesn’t appear insane at times. Most people lose weight, get depressed, can’t sleep or regulate their emotions when they are going through a divorce. In my opinion, to date during the process is an absolute absurdity. You have to figure out your own life before you can share one with someone else. Worse yet are the people who involve another person into their proceedings! Especially when there are children involved. The entire family is going through a life change so why on earth give children more to deal with? That is my opinion.

 

Legally, in Minnesota anyway, there is no law against it. Some judges may frown on it, but I’m not sure if any of them really care. Because of no fault divorce, it really doesn’t matter if one party has had an affair or what is causing the split, the courts don’t really care about those things.

 

What you should think about is you and your kids. When you are dating “the love of your life”, and by the way, wasn’t your soon to be ex “the love of your life” at one time, too? Just saying. Anyway, I digress, when you are dating this new “love of your life” you may enter into agreements about custody and visitation, for example, based on having this new “love of your life” in the picture, but what if they’re not there 6 months from now? One year from now? What happens if your children hate this new person? This is why you should not involve this person in your divorce or give any weight to their opinion what you should arrange for visitation or custody. Maybe you love them and maybe they will be there, but this was your marriage and it’s your divorce. All visitation and custody arrangements should be made with your children, yourself and your ex in mind. Those are the people you know will be involved for life. You know how your family works and what it needs. You know your schedules and the types of activities your children will be involved in down the road. You know if you will be able to count on the other parent for co parenting or if you won’t. You should plan that it may end up being all up to you. If it’s not and the other parent is great, that is wonderful, but you should prepare yourself and think about options if the other parent should not stay involved. You just never know how other people will react to something. For this same reason, you should make sure you know this new person in your life really well and I mean for years before you involve them in parenting tasks.

 

It is also my opinion that bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend into court with you is a bad idea. Maybe it will be upsetting to your soon to be ex and they will start making decisions based on them NOT wanting that new person involved. Why make things harder than they have to be?

 

I do always say that if you feel ready to date and have gotten your head together, examined your part in the failed relationship so that you can avoid the same mistakes again and again and again, go for it! Although, even if you feel you are ready to date, why do you have to make it public right now? Why make your ex aware and upset them or cause them to try to deny you parenting time and things like that. Why not just take your time and reinvent yourself and then get out there and start dating! I have never met anyone who had regrets about waiting a while to date, but I have known people who did regret dating and bringing that all into an already messy court proceeding!