Living Rent Free in Your Head

Image courtesy of nattavut at freedigitalphotos.net
Image courtesy of nattavut at freedigitalphotos.net

When you devote much of your day in fear of your ex, or thinking about what your ex is doing, you are allowing them to live rent free in your head.  It is completely understandable that if you have had many negative experiences with your ex and experienced a prolonged, bitter custody battle, you would become afraid of having to deal with them in the future.  Still, the best thing to do is to get them out of your head and out of your life as much as possible.

I do not want to make light of the situation.  I hope to help people move forward and stop giving their ex more attention than they deserve.  If you have become overwhelmed with thoughts and fears about your ex, you have to work on changing your thinking.  It is not going to happen over night, but it can be done.  You will have to work hard at it and things may get worse before they get better.  What I mean by that is the controlling, abusive, meddling ex will do their best to make you fail in your quest for freedom.  That is reason enough why you must do it.  When you start paying less and less attention to them and no longer cower in fear of them, they are going to get in your face a little more before they slither away and the fact remains, they may never slither away completely.  You see, the problem is not with you.  It is with them.

Your ex has been masterful at turning the tables on you and keeping you off balance.  Because their behavior is not normal, you may be confused about why they are behaving the way they are.  Worse, you may also be confused that in the real world, people view your ex as very nice, smart, thoughtful, etc.  They may have a new relationship that seems just peachy and you may be questioning if you really are the problem.  Trust me, you are not the problem.

Keep in mind that most people in the real world only get a glimpse of who your ex really is and when your ex wants to, he or she can really turn on the charm.  The same goes for the new relationship.  They must make their new partner see you as a crazy person.  It helps them ensure that you will never go near their new partner and that they will steer clear of you as well.  No one can talk to each other that way.  The angry ex’s secrets do not get divulged.  This keeps their new love in the dark about who they really are and it helps keep you wondering what the heck is going on…and they LOVE that.  Remember how they treated you early on and how wonderful you thought they were.  The new partner will also be charmed.

They LOVE having you fear them.  They LOVE living in your head rent free.  They do not even have to do anything because you fear them so much and try to anticipate what they will do next.  It feeds their ego to know that they are always on your mind.

So how do you go about changing things?

First things first, you have to put your fear behind you.  You may even need to get angry.  You also need to retrain your brain to stop any and all thoughts of your ex whenever they crop up.

Second, have a diversion.  If you are overwhelmed thinking about what your ex may or may not do about any given issue, have a friend or a hobby or even look for a new love interest and whenever you just cannot shake the evil ex thoughts, call on that person or take some time to work on it.  If you choose a hobby, make sure that it is something that will keep you busy.  Reading sometimes will not work because if your mind keeps wandering, you will not really be reading.  Try exercise, too, and some stress reduction techniques, such as deep breathing, mediation or swinging your arms back and forth for 10 minutes.  Trust me, it works.

Third, carve out “ex free” time.  When you have the luxury of your child spending time at the other parent’s house or with grandma and grandpa or their friends, carve it out.  Announce to yourself that you will not give your ex anymore time than they have already taken from you.

This can be done, trust me, I have done it.  It takes some time and some practice, but once you master retraining your brain, the less you will think about your ex or care about your ex.  It will become habit to you and you will be well on your way to a new and happier life.  One last thing, it is natural to want to put your life on hold for fear that your ex will ruin anything that makes you happy, but that is just giving them more control over your life.  You do NOT want to do that.  Write down on a piece of paper in big letters the following:

NOT ONE MORE DAY.  MY EX WILL NOT GET ONE MORE DAY OF MY LIFE.  MY EX HAS BEEN LIVING RENT FREE IN MY HEAD FOR YEARS AND TODAY IS HIS EVICTION NOTICE.  HE/SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND OUT OF MY THOUGHTS AND OUT OF MY LIFE STARTING RIGHT NOW.  I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY I AM BEING TREATED.  I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

And then go live it.  If you want to find a new love, seek them out.  Your ex may try to meddle and he/she may try to make things difficult for you in unimaginable ways, but you are stronger than he or she is.  Much stronger.  They have a sickness that they probably cannot escape, but you will choose to get healthier.  You will take steps to ensure that you never choose the same kind of psychopath as a partner again, and you won’t.  Your new love will love you and because they love you so much, they will see what your ex is doing and they will stand by you no matter what.

When you see it, you will believe it and achieve it!

Image courtesy of Nattavut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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A Song Definitely Made for the Bitter Divorce

Heck, it might still be too nice!  You decide.  You know you like it.  When you are dealing with a hostile person, you need to keep your sense of humor!

Enough With Demonizing Parents!

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This nonsense of the legal community demonizing parents who want a chance to have their day in court, has got to stop.  There has been enough of this nonsense in recent years.

Any time a parent has legitimate concerns about the welfare of their children in a shared parenting situation, that parent is demonized, and their life and the lives of the children are put through hell for daring to question the legal community and their effort to bring  joint custody everywhere.

In the past, custody determinations were based on what was best for the children.  Even though we have family court laws that are based on the “Best Interest of the Child” standard,  the courts frequently push the parents to share custody because the legal community has determined that is what is right for parents.  It is all based on a gender equality agenda, and there is no consideration really given to the child, when that consideration would throw a monkey wrench in the agenda.

The reason I bring this up is because my youngest son recently moved out, which has given me the custody of my basement back!  I am going through the junk that has been acquired over the years and going to do a cosmetic makeover of my entire basement.

The other day, while cleaning, I came across the nonsense bullshit that I had to deal with when I separated from my Mixed Personality Disordered (proven in a psych eval) spouse.  I don’t bring this up very often because I no longer allow his mental strangeness to infect my life, and my children have learned exactly who their dad is and what he is all about.  It doesn’t mean that they don’t spend time with the man, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love the man, it only means that I do not.  There is no reason for me to have anything to do with him.  When it comes to him and I, the relationship is toxic to both of us, and I will not engage in the toxicity.  I did not want to engage in it back then either, but the court coerced and threatened me when I tried to disengage.

So back to the bullshit I found in my basement.  When my husband and I separated, the man did some really freakish things.  I knew he was an alcoholic.  I knew that he was abusive to me, and the children, for that matter, but I became very concerned when the threatening phone calls came at all hours of the day and night from pay phones near where he lived, and the mysterious letters, and a package that I received in the mail started coming.  The man actually stalked me for a summer.  It was all very frightening.

He lived an hour away from me, yet, he would show up near my home, in places that did not make sense for him to have driven an hour to, and to be “coincidentally” there at the same time I was.

I received letters implying that I was a lesbian, with flyers from lesbian groups.  I one time received a metabolife brochure, after my ex’s girlfriend had told me how fat I was (I weighed 135 at the time).  I also received an odd joke printed out, something about a person who is lazy and can’t stand on their own two feet.  The package though, that was the kicker.  The package had deodorant, mouthwash, tampons, soap, etc., and it contained a note about what a filthy, smelly person I was and included a comment about me at “that time of the month”.  I was very frightened to open that package.  I seriously thought it might have a bomb in it.

There is much more to this story, and much I can tell you about why there is no doubt in my mind that my ex was behind all of this, but it would take a very long time to tell the story in full.  One day I plan to tell this at a training event, but what you need to know now is that I did involve the police.  The police did very little.  They really did not care about it, or the fact that I was scared, or the fact that I was stalked by my ex husband.  They told me flat-out that they could not really do much unless he injured or killed me.  Isn’t that comforting?  This is what Domestic Violence victims live with all the time, especially if they have children, and are going through family court.

Anyway, in the end, I could not prove that it was him.  It might have been his girlfriend, I was told.  True, but again, all of this gave me reason to be concerned about my children spending time alone with their dad and/or his girlfriend, but to bring that up in court, no one wanted to allow it, not even my own attorney, who I paid a sizable retainer to be an advocate for my children and I.  As a matter of fact, this attorney told me not to include any of this in my affidavit because it would make me look stupid for having chosen such a man to marry.

The problem with not being able to have my day in court on the matter is that my ex’s bad behavior continued, and even got much more disturbing, as time went by.  After hundreds of thousands of dollars, and eight years, I finally had to have my day in court anyway.  Once I was able to prove my case, I won sole custody, which I should have had all along!

I find it deeply disturbing that family court and the legal community do everything in their power to keep parents from having their day in court and to explain why they should be an exception to the joint custody rule.  It creates a hellish childhood for the children in these families, and it prevents the entire family from moving on with their lives and accomplishing their dreams.

We demonize any parent who doesn’t readily embrace joint custody.  Why the need for such demonization?  We don’t demonize mass murderers, but we will demonize a parent who just wants their children to be safe???

Back in 1993, a man opened fire on the Long Island Rail Road.  There were dozens of witnesses.  Passengers held him down until police arrived and handcuffed him.  There was no question that he did it.  Still, he was entitled to his day in court.  No one was demonizing him for pleading not guilty and wanting his day in court.  No one.  He had his trial, represented himself and was found guilty.  Justice worked, as it should have.

Why then, do family courts try to deny parents their day in court and to raise questions important to their child’s future?  Why does the legal community treat a mass murderer with more respect than they do a parent in family court?  It doesn’t make sense and it needs to stop.

And by the way, this is not only happening to parents who experience domestic violence.  There are many parents who know that their children will not be taken care of by the other parent for numerous reasons, not only suspect, but know it.  They should have a chance to be heard and a chance to present evidence to back up their claims.  That is our right here in America.  We need to fight for it.

Let’s take the Family Courts back to the rule of law and the role they are really supposed to play, and kick them to the curb on pushing their activist agendas on our lives.

 

Where is Your Focus?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As a Life and Divorce coach, I am sometimes misunderstood and misinterpreted.  Over the years, I brought myself out of a deep dark place and into a life of joy and happiness.  I have successfully shown many others how to turn their backs on the darkness and move into their own piece of happiness, focusing on finding their way to the life they dream of.  I’ve been able to help many people, but not everyone.  Some people want to stay stuck.  If an individual wants to stay stuck in something bad, there is nothing I can do.  There is also nothing a psychologist, lawyer, or judge can do either.  They may try, but ultimately they will have to leave you behind and move onto the people who will work with them to get where they want to be.

I work mostly with people in the Family Court System.  These are parents who find themselves in a high conflict divorce situation, getting beaten to a pulp (legally) by the confounding judge, who is unable to understand what the heck it is that drives you to do the things you do.

I understand domestic violence.  I understand parental alienation (which is not the same as Parental Alienation Syndrome).  I understand Domestic Violence Organizations.  I understand Father’s Rights Groups. I understand the parent who lives under a microscope for years.  I understand the legal community.  I understand the psychologists.  I understand a lot of what happens in Family Court.  I understand how people got into the mess they have gotten themselves into.  Understanding all these things does not mean that I want you to focus on them.

I can lose someone’s attention and respect when I tell them that they and their attorney are putting too much emphasis on domestic violence in their family court case.  I also anger people when I tell them that parental alienation syndrome is not real.  That statement can be confused with not believing that parental alienation happens.  I know it happens.  I have even experienced it for myself.  It happened to my youngest son and I, at the hands of a manipulative father, but my son and I are closer than ever now because I always trusted him to know truth and to figure out what was happening.  I did what I could, left alone what I could not do, and put my energy into waiting for my son to be ready to restore our relationship.  I had faith that I had raised him in a way in which he would see truth, and now, we are closer than ever.

It was a long way from being blind sided by the nastiness of Family Court to getting to where I am today.

More than believing in parental alienation, I believe that co-dependence and Legal Abuse Syndrome are likely driving the on-going family court nightmares.  A good psychologist should tell you that as long as there is one strong parent, your child can overcome the trauma, regardless of what your ex throws at you.  I have seen this to be true.  In my own case, I stopped being the victim of domestic violence and stopped adding to the drama.  I wanted a better life for my children and myself.  That meant that I would have to pull myself up by my bootstraps, get healthy, and work with the professionals in the Family Court System on their level.  They were not going to listen to me if I only spoke to them when I was at the point of hysterics.  I was never heard when I screamed and swore at them, and you won’t get far with that either.  They were not going to allow me to educate them.  These were educated professionals and if I was so smart, how come I couldn’t put an end to this conflict in my family?  Why did they have to make decisions about my children?  They could not understand and I could not make them understand.  I found them to be obstacles to moving on with my life.  They were also, definitely,  hindering my children’s development.  I found that they were not the answer and they should not be my focus.  Instead, my focus should be on myself, and my children.  That is when I began to turn that ship around, and in doing so, I freed myself and my children of those professionals forever.  No more obstacles.  No more hindrances.

This is what I do for my clients as well.  Please don’t think that this can happen overnight.  It is a process.  I help my clients through that process, too.  Not every consult turns into a client though.  Some people think I am nuts and they never come back.  They do not want to give up that crutch of family court.  That is sad because most people come to me due to their frustration with how the Family Court is not helping the situation, but is instead, making it much, much worse and they don’t want to refocus there energy anywhere else.  It is a lot of work, and it is painful and ugly to peel back the layers of you, and so some people cannot stomach it.

Think about this for a minute.  Maybe it will make sense to you and maybe it won’t.  I can only put it out there and hope that you can make some sense out of it.  When you are a victim of domestic violence and look to the family court to help you with it, that is your focus.  If you keep focusing there, and seek professionals who will understand, that focus is taking your time, energy and money away from having the life you want.  You may think that you cannot have the life you want, but I am sorry to tell you, it is not true.  You are the one keeping your life and your children’s lives in the family court.  Your ex may stay there, and he or she may use it against you, but if you really get yourself strong, stay confident in your truths, and put your focus outside of the court, you will see miracles happen.  The people I see who beat this system at its own game, refocus on their life and their children and slowly shift their thoughts and energies away from their nasty ex and the nasty court people, are the ones who succeed in getting their story told.  The people who latch on to their domestic violence experience or try to expose parental alienation will find that  they ramp up the conflict, get more deeply embedded in the Family Court System, and feel more and more stuck over time.  I am not saying that domestic violence or parental alienation should be tolerated or ignored.  I am not saying that at all.  What I am saying is you cannot push those memes the entire time because there are only certain ways to successfully use those arguments in family court.

Not everything involved with the conflict is related to domestic abuse or parental alienation.  Some things are communication issues and related to how you speak to or correspond with you ex.  Some issues are related to those Mars-Venus, male-female issues, too.  Some issues have to do with the stage of development your child is in, as well, and so you need to really consider what is driving the conflict for each particular issue that arises.  You cannot blame everything on domestic violence or parental alienation because the professionals don’t always have any recourse.

This post may anger some people and intrigue others.  It’s hard to really explain it all in one blog post!  If you are interested in finding out how to free yourself of the family court, as much as possible, please contact me.  I’d love to consult with you to tell you more.  There is nothing more rewarding for me than to see a client who grasps these concepts and takes back their life!

Embattled Parents Wanted

Image courtesy of sakhorn38 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of sakhorn38 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Have you had your fill of Family Court?  Are you tired of the battle, and think or hope that your ex is sick of it, too?

 

Life’s Doors Mediation is looking for parents who have been at war for too long and want to find a new way to parent, whether that means co-parenting, parallel parenting, or something else that we come up with.  I have been quite successful in changing the direction of parents who are looking to the family court for answers.  I’d like to help you.

If you live in Minnesota, please give me a call.  The first 2 parents who call me will get a free assessment to see if we can make a positive change to your situation.  I will even contact your ex to see if they would be willing to call a truce.  After that, I will work with you separately or together, as needed without charge. You have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain.  Your children have a lot to gain also.

Can you be a little vulnerable and let go of the family court crutch?  Find out today, 763-566-2282.  You can also email me at susan@lifesdoorsmediation.com.

 

Now or Later

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net"
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Relationship problems suck.  They really do.  When you are married, relationship problems suck even more.  When you have children, the stakes are extremely high.

As a coach, I talk to people who are looking for help.  They may want to try communication coaching.  Sometimes, one or both partners have anger issues, and they might want to look into Anger Management.  They may even be contemplating divorce.

Divorce will scare the crap out of you.  Sometimes, it is sprung on you.  Your spouse has determined, without talking to you about it, that they want a divorce.  They have thought it over for a long time, and come to the decision.  You can’t change their mind.  It is done.

Other times, you talk together about how the relationship is not working.  This is a great time to act.  Even if you think this is not a great time because you are on the brink of divorce, it really is an opportunity.  There is something positive in the fact that you have been able to talk about this together.  That shows promise!

For parents of small children, you really need to see the opportunity in this situation.  While some couples will choose to divorce, others may find that they don’t have to.  If no one has come to the divorce decision yet, there is still time, and there is certainly a lot of wisdom in waiting to make that decision while you spend time working on your issues.

Relationship problems are a two-way street.  It is rarely about the actions of just one person in a couple.  The relationship didn’t start out sour.  If it had, why would you have gotten married?  Why would you have had a child together?  There was potential there and most likely still is.

The question you have to ask yourself is this: If I need to make some changes to improve my relationship, should I do it now, in an effort to save my marriage, or should I do it later, to work on the co-parenting relationship?  If you and your spouse have a child together, you are going to have to continue to build that relationship, aren’t you?  If you have trust or anger issues in your marriage, won’t you still have them in the co-parenting relationship, too?

When a relationship has problems, most people seem to know where their own personal weakness lies.  They often know, or are willing to learn about their faults.  If the two people are willing to make changes to improve their lives, it would be better to do it now, before more damage is done, than to have to do it later.  Just something to consider.

Divorce was a good thing for me.  I am not sure my children would agree that it was a good thing for them.  Divorce might be a good thing for you but it might be worth really making sure that you cannot salvage that relationship, especially if you have children who end up being part of that relationship forever, no matter what it becomes.

Love is the Answer to the Family Court Question

"Tulips and Heart Shape Butterflies" by anekoho
Image courtesy of anekoho/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This post is more on my theme for this week, “The greatest of these is love”.  Love is the answer.  It is the one thing that is missing from the Family Court System.  How can a system that works with families be devoid of love?

How do I treat parents who struggle for  years without end in on-going court battles?  Why do I connect with these parents, while the court authorities label these families , placing  judgment, such as high conflict, or label the parents and children with some mental behavior disorder?  While court authorities may be correct in recognizing some disorders that are present in these lives, they may instead be seeing a situational manifestation of the underlying stress, emotions, extreme fear, and lack of understanding the system that keeps  these people living back brained, every day of their lives.

These parents wake up in the morning wondering why. Why did this happen to me?  They go to bed at night asking, why.  Why can’t this stop?  Why can’t I have my life back?  Why?  I never did anything to deserve this!  No one ever called me a bad parent before.  They cannot understand for the life of them how the things they have always done without being vilified for, and were instead, often praised for, are now treated like a crime.  Treated as a crime that is not on the books, not listed in the world in general, as criminal behavior, but in this new setting of darkness, it is a crime and  punishable.

I’d like to see the system change.  The system can work where it needs to, but it takes so long, and it is not really doing any justice.  It was put in place to help people terminate a marriage, and to establish a place in their child’s life after that marriage has ended.  It was not put in place to follow families for years, and to pick at every little parenting decision that they make. Those of us who are parents understand that we don’t always do the right thing.  Sometimes we don’t know what to do, and that is made worse by not having the freedom to figure it out through trial and error.  We do our best much of the time.  There are certain triggers for parents, or  anyone for that matter, who is struggling.  When you are hungry, lonely, tired, angry or afraid, you don’t always do the right thing, have the right reaction, or choose the right path.

All people have these feelings from me to time in their life, but the families who are frequent fliers in court experience trauma all the time.  They go through life thinking that they are done with this system, and wake up one day and there it is again.  Rearing its ugly head.  It is maddening to try to become free, and find out you are not.  In their face is another battle, and another request for thousands of dollars to pay an attorney, thousands of dollars that this parent would rather spend on their family.  Thousands of dollars they would rather spend on their family, on their children, and on more positive things in life.

You can’t disengage from the Family Court because if you don’t respond, if you don’t show up, the consequences are severe.  The other party wins.  What kind of justice is that?  We should be  able to say, no more!  I quit.  I’m done!  I am not going to engage in this nastiness anymore!  I am not going to engage in that which takes me away from my children.  I am not going to engage in that which makes me so weary that it takes away so much time and energy away from my children, that it is beyond ridiculous.  I’m not going to do it anymore.

But they do not let people do that.  Parents are often punished with a financial judgement or losing time with their children, and sometimes, losing their children completely.  They have been accused of doing things that are often unproven.  Accused of things that other parents do in their daily lives, and no one judges them for it, or punishes them for it, and no one says anything to them about it.  No one thinks anything of it when t involves a parent not in the Family court setting, because no one is pointing it out in a court of law, and saying that they don’t like that behavior.  Unfortunately, that is what these on-going court battles are really all about.  One parent doesn’t like what the other parent is doing.  It has nothing to do with laws, and so these things don’t belong in court.  They just don’t.

What I do differently, is that I love these people.  I accept them for who they are.  I accept the fact that they have faults, like we all do, and I help them take the system that is all powerful, and break it down to size.  I help them realize that it is a set back in life, but they cannot allow it to be all consuming.  I cannot do it for them, though.  They do it for themselves, but what happens is that I trust them to do it.  I stand back and I let them do it.  And if they are struggling to know what to do, at times, I work with them to help them figure it out.

We need to be loving these families.  We need to be holding them in our hearts.  We need to be loving the children, and allowing both parents to be who they are and not label what kind of parenting they should do.  Some will co-parent, and do it well.  Some will co-parent and not do it well.  Some will not be able to co-parent, and they will need to find another way, but it doesn’t need to be labeled as anything other than parenting.  It doesn’t  mean that these parents are bad.

In a lot of these battles the parents are chastised for their struggle.  Judges and court authorities chastise them  for bad mouthing each other.  Yet, what is the court doing?  What are the court authorities doing?  They, too, are badmouthing the parents.  They are not looking for the positive.  They are looking for who is to blame.  They are looking to find fault.  They are often looking, not for the good parent, but which one is the worst parent.  The court thinks that both parents are bad, because, to be honest, the court doesn’t think highly of either one of these people.

We have to do better, and I know we can do better, and when these parents are supported and accepted for who they are, and held accountable when the children aren’t safe, or the children are hurting emotionally.  What I mean by accountable is not punishment, but it is, asking them what action they will take for their children’s security.  We need to give them the support, the tools and the space, to rectify the problems.

These parents wants to make things better.  They want to do better for their kids.  They want to be left in peace.  They want that stress taken away, so that they can focus on parenting and moving in a better direction for them and their children.  Sometimes the other parent is going to move in a better direction with them, and sometimes they are not.  When the other parent will not move in a positive direction, we need to give a parent the permission to say, “They are not going to move on with me, so I have to move on by myself.”  Then, just let it be.

The relationship will be what it is going to be, and if given time, space, and acceptance, they might come into a better relationship.  If court professionals keep pointing out how bad one is to the other, the court system is doing what they accuse these parents of doing to each other all the time-badmouthing.  I think it would be much better if the court would focus on the positive things that these parents are doing, because there are positives.

I came from my own high conflict battle.  The other parent and I were never going to see eye to eye.  We had completely different world views.  We married when we were young, before our front brains were developed, and by the time our brains were developed, we were totally different, with different views of the world, and different paths we wanted to take, and that is all there was.

Divorce law shouldn’t be about changing the people into what some legal authority wants them to be, because this court involvement in families ends when children are 18.  So why should a parent change their life, and who they are for 1-18 years in the system, when their life will hopefully be 100 years long or so, and they have to be who they are.  People have to be who they are, and be accepted for who they are and not criticized all the time.  And then they can soar!  But keeping these families in court is like tying an anchor to them.  It’s a heavy weight that they always carry, and they cannot fly.  They cannot be free.  The court should be about laws, but families are about love.  And if the court is not going to love them, then the court needs to get out of their way, and let them be the light, and the love, for their children.