- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Abusive Relationships, accusations, agreements, anger, Attitude, balance, Bias, Child Custody, Children, Children of divorce, Co-parenting, Communication, Conflict, Coparenting, Coparenting Help Minnesota, Coping, Court Authorities, Courts, custody, Dads, Dads, Discover Your Piece LLC, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Education Minnesota, Divorce Nastiness, Divorce with Children, Divorced Parent Mentors, Ex Spouse, Family Court, Family Court System, family law, Fear, fighting, High conflict consulting, high conflict divorce, High Conflict U, joint custody, joint custody conflict, Minnesota Courts, Minnesota Divorce Help, Minnesota Divorce Professionals, Minnesota Family Law, Moms, Parent Coordinator, Parent Coordinators, Parenting, parenting after divorce, Parenting Consultants, Parenting Coordinators, parenting sytles, Parenting Time, Relationships, struggles, Toxic Relationships, Triggers, Unhealthy Relationships
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As someone who has been working for almost 20 years to help parents navigate the very choppy waters of family court, I get a fair amount of calls and emails from parents who feel overwhelmed with how off track their case has become. High conflict cases snowball into unimagineable craziness and parents desperately want […]
Last year, Life’s Doors Mediation went to all sliding scale fees for Mediation, Parenting Consultant and Parenting Time Expediter services. The change has been a good one for everyone, especially, the families that I want to serve. This has led me to the decision to go full sliding scale fee for 2015. Starting next year (and if you mention this post to me before then), all coaching and parent advocate services will be a sliding scale fee. My goal has always been to reach parents and help families to mostly stay out of court when possible, but to use the court in the most efficient way possible for those who do have to use it. Life is all about balance. Family Court should be there in some instances, but realistically, courts or the law cannot help you with emotional issues. A key piece of the coaching services I provide involves looking realistically at what is causing you the most difficulty, weeding out what you can combat on your own, what you need a lawyer to help you with, and what things are not yours to “fix”, but instead, learning to protect yourself and your children from abuses and intrusions from those who lash out at you.
Many things help you when used strategically, but you have to know where, when and how to apply them. This is where I come in. I am a divorce and co parenting coach, parent advocate, high conflict program instructor and mediation professional. Life’s Doors Mediation does focus on divorce and hostile co parenting issues, but I also coach couples and individuals on dating, confidence, self-awareness and much more!
Visit the website and if you are interested in coaching, give me a call and ask about my new sliding scale fees for coaching.
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Assertiveness, balance, Battered Women's Groups, Child Abuse, Child Custody, Conflict, Coparenting, Coparenting Help Minnesota, Coping, Court Authorities, Court Orders, custody, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Education Minnesota, Divorce Nastiness, Divorce with Children, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, families, Family Court, Family Court System, Fear, fighting, high conflict divorce, Minnesota Divorce Professionals, Parent Coordinator, Parent Coordinators, parenting after divorce, Parenting Consultants, Parenting Coordinators, Parenting Time, self care, Single parenting, Toxic Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships
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I have a personal experience of domestic violence. I am just putting that out there so that people know that I know what I am talking about. I understand domestic violence from your perspective. I lived it. I escaped it. I moved beyond it, and I went through trying to prove it in Family Court. I learned a lot from it and that is why I want to help you learn from my experience. The goal here is to help others understand where it is going to be beneficial to you in Family Court and where it is not.
Let me first caution you that if you are in an abusive relationship, tell someone about it. Find someone you trust, a family member, or a friend, and tell them. Do not be ashamed or afraid to do so. It is the first step toward a better life. If you don’t have someone in your life that you can go to, find a domestic violence organization such as the Domestic Abuse Project, the Battered Women’s Coalition, Cornerstone, Sojourner Project, Alexandra House, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, or do you own search to find an organization near you. They will help you.
My second caution is to know that the above listed organizations will help you and encourage you to tell your abuse story to court authorities. That is important. I just caution you to know when it will help you and when it will hurt you so that you who should hear it and how to tell it in a way that really will help you. Knowledge is power. Domestic Violence groups want to help you, but they may not always know how best to apply it in the Family Court situation.
My third caution is that if you are going through a divorce from an abuser, tell your attorney as early in the process as possible. I know it is hard to do because of the shame involved, but this is important for your children’s sake. You have put your children first all these years so you need to be brave just a little longer and put it all out there. Ask for help from an advocate so that you can be your bravest now. It is very important.
My fourth caution is to make sure your attorney understands abuse and when to apply it to your case. Not all of them do. They have to use it for maximum effect. If they don’t, they are going to talk you into making some really bad choices, and sign on for things that are not in your best interests, for example, a Parenting Consultant or Coordinator. If your attorney is not presenting your case correctly, find one who will. The Domestic Violence groups should know attorneys who get it. I also review pleadings to see if an attorney is presenting that aspect of your case for your best interests. If your attorney would consult with me on domestic violence, I’d be happy to help with strategy, too. While I am not an attorney, I know when and where they can best use this piece of your divorce story, and protect you from getting stuck in a big mess.
When you have a history of domestic violence, you have spent all of your time living under a cloud of worrying about what the abuser wants. You have lived your life trying not to make him or her mad. You know the hell it brings when you make them mad. You are now conditioned to be hypervigilant, always reading the behavior of others in an effort to protect yourself. In Family Court, this hyper-vigilance can be misconstrued as mental illness on your part. For this reason, you need to do Family Court divorce and then be done with it. Get your judgement and decree, and then get out. Do not sign up for any court authority to manage your case. While you may think you need a professional to make decisions because you and your ex will never agree on matters related to the children, you are better off going with professionals who cannot coerce you into situations that will make you relive the abuse daily. Stay away from any professionals who can court order you to do things that will interfere with your parenting, and your healing process, and who may completely misread your actions. Any on-going Family Court actions put you at further risk of abuse, and will not benefit your children. Your best hope for healing and raising healthy children is to seek help from a therapist and/or domestic violence groups. You can move beyond domestic violence in your life, but you will not move past it in the horrific world of Family Court.
The most beneficial times to get your story across in Family Court:
With your attorney, from day one
Domestic Violence is a reason why your attorney should look out for you when trying to settle financial and property matters to ensure that you are not intimidated into giving away too much of what you are entitled to.
Also, many states have custody and parenting time laws in regards to proven domestic violence. While it is an uphill battle to get sole custody in the “group think” of family court, a world where everyone is equal and parents should share custody 50-50, there will never be a better time to go for sole custody and keep your family out of the court clutches than in your original divorce proceedings. Post decree it is nearly impossible to make any changes if you have not made the initial plea. Abusers do not think of their children’s best interest and so it is my opinion that you should not have joint custody with an abuser. That is the reason why many states have laws about this in the first place. However, if you find your lawyer is too wimpy about this issue, and many are, be careful with this. Many people are afraid to use the court as it is intended. This includes lawyers. If in doubt, get a second opinion. We do it with medical care and we should do it with lawyers, too, when it seems that they are not being an advocate for us. Tread carefully, but confidently, when you can prove your claims.
Also make sure to follow your gut instincts. Most domestic abuse victims know that they will never get their ex to work with them on important decisions regarding the children, but legal professionals give you false hope that your ex will change. Haven’t you hoped for this for years? You couldn’t make it happen and neither will they. Trust your gut.
With court professionals, post decree.
This part is tricky business. First off, in my opinion, you should avoid getting a “case manager” type of court professional assigned to your case. These would be Parenting Consultants and Coordinators, but may also be a Guardian ad Litem or something else. These roles are not helpful for Domestic Violence and often increase the hostility and interactions between you and the abuser, turning your life and your children’s lives into a nightmare.
I have seen many parents push the abuse claims, when they cannot prove it after the fact. As I said, the best time to prove it and use it is during the initial divorce proceeding. Post decree, there is little that can be done about it, especially by the court professional. I have sat in many trainings with professionals who say, “we don’t care about domestic violence”. Personally, they will tell you that they do care and wish there was no such thing, but professionally, there is nothing they can do about it. Nothing. There is no place to report domestic violence of an adult and no one who could do anything about it if there was. What would you expect them to do? You would think that they could, at the very least, keep the abuser away from you, but instead, the frequently force you to come together “for the children”. This shows just how little they care about domestic violence.
Police can act on domestic violence. The problem for you is that they are part of the criminal court system. Criminal courts will address it and can go so far as to put an abuser in jail. Family court has very little in the way of remedies for domestic violence of an adult. Keep that in mind. Not all court systems are the same. Family Court deals with custody, parenting time, and division of property. They do not deal with crime. Something else you need to know is that criminal courts will rarely deal with an issue when you are actively involved with Family Court for that issue. That is a big problem. Family Court sucks all issues into it over other courts. If a crime is committed related to domestic violence, it must be very blatant and beyond a reasonable doubt, to be prosecuted in criminal court. The emotional abuse and harassment of parenting time and legal custody matters typically falls to the Family Court to deal with. In their eyes, with joint custody, the parents have equal rights to the children and as such, are expected to “co-parent”. Rather than protect you from an abuser, the Family Court often brings you more interaction with the abuser because they have an expectation that you and the other parent will work together to raise your children.
What you can hope to achieve in Family Court in regards to domestic violence is direction on how to communicate and facilitate co-parenting. By telling your story, you can hope that a court authority will understand why you want little to do with the abuser, or why you are always worried about things that might happen because you have had to be hyper-vigilant for so many years, but there will not be much else that they can do for you. Many of them will ignore your claims entirely because the violence history is not relative to the role that they are fulfilling to bring about co-parenting. Even when a professional does believe you, you have to take action about it. Nothing comes on its own. You have to be the advocate for your healing and for the well being of your children. Here’s why it is your battle to fight, for example:
Parenting Consultants/Coordinators are like a mini court. You agree to use them to settle parenting disputes instead of going to the court. The Parenting Consultant/Coordinator is now basically the judge of your family to settle disputes about the children. In court, you must file a motion in order for a judge to make a decision. That is how it works. Courts are not just sitting around watching people and waiting for something to happen so they can jump in uninvited and decide an issue. In the Parenting Consultant process, you must ask the PC to make a decision and you should also give them an idea of how you want the matter resolved. This is similar to how you ask a court to decide an issue for you. You lay out the area of disagreement, tell the court how you want to see it decided, and ask the court to decide it. Since a Parenting Consultant is a mini court on their own, you want to approach issues the same way. The difference is that Parenting Consultants don’t have to know or understand the law. They are deciding the law of your family as is spelled out in your court orders, or agreements that the two parents have created over the years. In their role they are also supposed to “assist” the parents in co-parenting.
When you tell a parenting consultant about a history of abuse, you need to take it further than just telling your story. When you tell a court authority a story, they can really just determine if they believe it or not. They could also, I suppose, try to make the abuse stop, but when you tell your PAST story, to them, it has already stopped. Again, there is nothing they can do about something that happened in the past.
I see victims who have learned that domestic violence has an impact on custody and so they continue to tell their story repeatedly, hoping to get some kind of action out of the court authority, whether it is a PC or a judge, but you need to know:
- the difference between criminal court vs family court
- the role of the court professional on your case
- what are the expectations of co-parenting in joint custody
- the differences between sole and joint custody
- the differences between physical custody and legal custody
- how you have to take action for yourself and your children
- what is parenting time vs custody
- constant court interactions interfere with your healing process and that is not in the best interests of your child
In Family Court, the main reason that courts stay involved with a family is out of concern for the children. They care about the conflict because of the effect it has on the children. They don’t necessarily care about you. When a childless couple divorces, there is no continuing involvement from the court. If you are a victim of domestic violence, you need to look out for yourself. You can do this with the help of therapists and advocates who understand what you are going through and what you have been through. If you are going to tell your story in Family Court, it needs to be done strategically. You have to learn to tell your story in terms of making a request for a remedy, but also to balance if that remedy is doable under the parameters of the court orders in your case. I wish I could say with any confidence that you someone you can turn to for help in Family Court, but I can’t. Even when the court authority understands domestic violence, the professional’s role, and the court orders, dictate how they make decisions. It is going to be up to you to explain what it is you are asking for and why. Your history of abuse may come into play if you want separate meetings from the other parent, or if you want to put limits on communication between you and the other parent. It definitely comes into effect if you plan to file for sole custody, however, a Parenting Consultant cannot change custody so you don’t need to try and hammer that home to the PC. You will also need to understand how professionals must try to balance your needs as a victim with joint custody and co-parenting. It is my opinion that you will do better outside of the Family Court system, but when you have to use the system, do so strategically.
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Abuse, Abusive Relationships, accusations, Being punished, Bias, Child Abuse, Child Custody, Children, Co-parenting Classes Minnesota, Coparenting, Coparenting Help Minnesota, Court Authorities, Court Orders, custody, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Education Minnesota, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Ex Spouse, Family Court, Family Court System, judges, Parenting Time, Physical Abuse, Toxic Relationships
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After years of parents trying to expose the detriment to children in the Family court System, the news media is finally willing to cover this! I reached out to the news media after my own abusive case, but the media said, “This is not news”. Luckily, I proved my case in court.
Many other parents (moms and dads, I might add) have also tried to get media coverage, to no avail. I am not sure why the media is finally covering abuse and parenting consultants in the past year or so, but let us thank God for the blessing of exposure now!
Excerpts from http://www.safekidsinternational.org/
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Child Custody, Children, Co-parenting Classes Minnesota, Conflict, Coparenting, Coparenting Help Minnesota, Coping, Court Authorities, custody, Distrust, divorce, Divorce classes, Divorce Classes Minnesota, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Education Minnesota, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Emotional Expense, Ex Spouse, Faith, Family Court, Family Court System, High conflict consulting, High Conflict Diversion Program Minnesota, judges, Life Coaching, Life's Doors Mediation, negativity, Parent Coordinator, Parenting, Parenting Classes, Parenting Consultants, Parenting Time, personal growth, positive thinking, Relationships, self care, Systems, Toxic Relationships, Uncategorized, Unhealthy Relationships
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As a Life and Divorce coach, I am sometimes misunderstood and misinterpreted. Over the years, I brought myself out of a deep dark place and into a life of joy and happiness. I have successfully shown many others how to turn their backs on the darkness and move into their own piece of happiness, focusing on finding their way to the life they dream of. I’ve been able to help many people, but not everyone. Some people want to stay stuck. If an individual wants to stay stuck in something bad, there is nothing I can do. There is also nothing a psychologist, lawyer, or judge can do either. They may try, but ultimately they will have to leave you behind and move onto the people who will work with them to get where they want to be.
I work mostly with people in the Family Court System. These are parents who find themselves in a high conflict divorce situation, getting beaten to a pulp (legally) by the confounding judge, who is unable to understand what the heck it is that drives you to do the things you do.
I understand domestic violence. I understand parental alienation (which is not the same as Parental Alienation Syndrome). I understand Domestic Violence Organizations. I understand Father’s Rights Groups. I understand the parent who lives under a microscope for years. I understand the legal community. I understand the psychologists. I understand a lot of what happens in Family Court. I understand how people got into the mess they have gotten themselves into. Understanding all these things does not mean that I want you to focus on them.
I can lose someone’s attention and respect when I tell them that they and their attorney are putting too much emphasis on domestic violence in their family court case. I also anger people when I tell them that parental alienation syndrome is not real. That statement can be confused with not believing that parental alienation happens. I know it happens. I have even experienced it for myself. It happened to my youngest son and I, at the hands of a manipulative father, but my son and I are closer than ever now because I always trusted him to know truth and to figure out what was happening. I did what I could, left alone what I could not do, and put my energy into waiting for my son to be ready to restore our relationship. I had faith that I had raised him in a way in which he would see truth, and now, we are closer than ever.
It was a long way from being blind sided by the nastiness of Family Court to getting to where I am today.
More than believing in parental alienation, I believe that co-dependence and Legal Abuse Syndrome are likely driving the on-going family court nightmares. A good psychologist should tell you that as long as there is one strong parent, your child can overcome the trauma, regardless of what your ex throws at you. I have seen this to be true. In my own case, I stopped being the victim of domestic violence and stopped adding to the drama. I wanted a better life for my children and myself. That meant that I would have to pull myself up by my bootstraps, get healthy, and work with the professionals in the Family Court System on their level. They were not going to listen to me if I only spoke to them when I was at the point of hysterics. I was never heard when I screamed and swore at them, and you won’t get far with that either. They were not going to allow me to educate them. These were educated professionals and if I was so smart, how come I couldn’t put an end to this conflict in my family? Why did they have to make decisions about my children? They could not understand and I could not make them understand. I found them to be obstacles to moving on with my life. They were also, definitely, hindering my children’s development. I found that they were not the answer and they should not be my focus. Instead, my focus should be on myself, and my children. That is when I began to turn that ship around, and in doing so, I freed myself and my children of those professionals forever. No more obstacles. No more hindrances.
This is what I do for my clients as well. Please don’t think that this can happen overnight. It is a process. I help my clients through that process, too. Not every consult turns into a client though. Some people think I am nuts and they never come back. They do not want to give up that crutch of family court. That is sad because most people come to me due to their frustration with how the Family Court is not helping the situation, but is instead, making it much, much worse and they don’t want to refocus there energy anywhere else. It is a lot of work, and it is painful and ugly to peel back the layers of you, and so some people cannot stomach it.
Think about this for a minute. Maybe it will make sense to you and maybe it won’t. I can only put it out there and hope that you can make some sense out of it. When you are a victim of domestic violence and look to the family court to help you with it, that is your focus. If you keep focusing there, and seek professionals who will understand, that focus is taking your time, energy and money away from having the life you want. You may think that you cannot have the life you want, but I am sorry to tell you, it is not true. You are the one keeping your life and your children’s lives in the family court. Your ex may stay there, and he or she may use it against you, but if you really get yourself strong, stay confident in your truths, and put your focus outside of the court, you will see miracles happen. The people I see who beat this system at its own game, refocus on their life and their children and slowly shift their thoughts and energies away from their nasty ex and the nasty court people, are the ones who succeed in getting their story told. The people who latch on to their domestic violence experience or try to expose parental alienation will find that they ramp up the conflict, get more deeply embedded in the Family Court System, and feel more and more stuck over time. I am not saying that domestic violence or parental alienation should be tolerated or ignored. I am not saying that at all. What I am saying is you cannot push those memes the entire time because there are only certain ways to successfully use those arguments in family court.
Not everything involved with the conflict is related to domestic abuse or parental alienation. Some things are communication issues and related to how you speak to or correspond with you ex. Some issues are related to those Mars-Venus, male-female issues, too. Some issues have to do with the stage of development your child is in, as well, and so you need to really consider what is driving the conflict for each particular issue that arises. You cannot blame everything on domestic violence or parental alienation because the professionals don’t always have any recourse.
This post may anger some people and intrigue others. It’s hard to really explain it all in one blog post! If you are interested in finding out how to free yourself of the family court, as much as possible, please contact me. I’d love to consult with you to tell you more. There is nothing more rewarding for me than to see a client who grasps these concepts and takes back their life!
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Abusive Relationships, anger, assessments, Child Custody, Children, Co-parenting Classes Minnesota, Communication, Conflict, Coparenting, Coparenting Help Minnesota, custody, Distrust, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Education Minnesota, Divorce Nastiness, Emotional Expense, Ex Spouse, Family Court, Family Court System, fighting, High conflict consulting, Life's Doors Mediation, Parenting, Parenting Classes, Parenting Time, personal growth, Relationships, Single parenting, Toxic Relationships, Triggers, Trust, Uncategorized, Unhealthy Relationships
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Have you had your fill of Family Court? Are you tired of the battle, and think or hope that your ex is sick of it, too?
Life’s Doors Mediation is looking for parents who have been at war for too long and want to find a new way to parent, whether that means co-parenting, parallel parenting, or something else that we come up with. I have been quite successful in changing the direction of parents who are looking to the family court for answers. I’d like to help you.
If you live in Minnesota, please give me a call. The first 2 parents who call me will get a free assessment to see if we can make a positive change to your situation. I will even contact your ex to see if they would be willing to call a truce. After that, I will work with you separately or together, as needed without charge. You have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain. Your children have a lot to gain also.
Can you be a little vulnerable and let go of the family court crutch? Find out today, 763-566-2282. You can also email me at email@example.com.
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Attitude, balance, Child Custody, Children, Communication, confidence, Conflict, Coparenting, Coping, Court Authorities, Distrust, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Nastiness, Family Court, negativity, optimism, Parent Coordinator, Parenting Consultants, Parenting Time, personal growth, positive thinking, positivity, Relationships, self care, Single parenting, support
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It takes two to co-parent, no doubt about that. The family courts are filling a lot of people with false hope by making parents believe that watching a video, attending a parenting class, or having a parent coordinator or parenting consultant as the case manager of the parental relationship can force co-parenting to happen. There are cases where none of those things are going to work.
I know that this line of thinking does not endear me to the family court or put me top of the list when they appoint a parenting consultant, but I have to say it anyway. I am a realist and one who speaks the truth, whether or not that truth is popular. Does that mean that there is no hope for the high conflict divorce parents? No. That is not what I am saying. I am an eternal optimist and I believe that all things are possible. When two people want to have a relationship, those two people will have the relationship they want, but one person cannot have a relationship. That is what cannot be done. In the same way you cannot make someone love you if they don’t, you will not get a cooperative co-parent if they have no interest in co-parenting with you.
Some people can and do co-parent effectively. Those parents have had closure from the end of the relationship and have healed their hurts. They also see a way forward without the other parent sharing their life and can separate parenting together from having a life together.
Those who cannot co-parent effectively, those referred to as high conflict families, have never had a healthy relationship. They may not even understand what a healthy relationship is. They have probably never experienced one themselves and have never seen one in action in their extended family.
There are many factors that contribute to hostile co-parenting situations. Chemical dependency may have been a part of the relationship, for one or both of the parents. Abuse, which can take many forms, may have been part of that household in one way or another. There may have been a prolonged custody battle, in which the lies and mud slinging stung and deeply wounded one or both parties. As an aside, if you told horrific lies about your ex and now expect them to co-parent, SHAME ON YOU! As I wrote about before, co-parenting requires a level of trust. If the type of relationships I mentioned above exist for you, there is no trust, or at least not enough for someone to trust you with the children or take your word on anything.
Co-parenting means that you will be on time and return the children on time. If you are going to have parenting time on certain days, you will move heaven and earth to see the children those days. You will make the children a priority and you will treat the other parent with respect. The other parent has a life without you and their time, their interests and their home, including phone and email, must be respected. The phone and email are not to be used to insult and threaten them in their own home. You do not have to like what the other parent does and they don’t have to like what you do, but as co-parents, you must treat each other with respect.
If you have the misfortune of a hostile co-parenting relationship, nothing will make the other parent change their ways. There isn’t a court order or a parenting consultant or a law in the world that is going to make them change their ways. You already know this. The court already knows this. The only one who can change someone’s behavior is the person behaving that way. Court orders won’t work. You can tell the person until you are blue in the face that they need to change. It won’t make it so. The person who is behaving badly has to see their mistakes and want to change.
What can you do about it? The only effective way to shut down someone who is trying to upset you is to work on your reaction to them. The best revenge is to let them know that they are not going to get anything out of it and you are not going to waste time on what they do or say. So many people fear that their children will believe lies the other parent tells them, but if you do right by your kids, they will know truth. Kids will know who was there for them and who was standing strong for them.
You cannot force someone to co-parent with you. Pushing the issue in court will only further alienate the other party. If you are going to improve the relationship, give them some time and space and stop tattling on them. If they are ever going to warm up to the idea, they need to have time to heal first. Stop pushing them.
Focus on you and the way you parent. Do not make excuses for the other parent when you talk to the children and do not criticize the other parent. If the children ask why mommy or daddy won’t talk to you anymore, tell them that you hope, in time, things will get better, but you both need the space to adjust to single parenting. Also tell them that you are always there for them and they will always be taken care of.
When you prepare yourself to be a great parent, regardless of what someone else is doing, you gain confidence and independence. If you do not have to rely on that other parent, you will not be disappointed. The other parent may do their part and that is great, but your saving Grace is to be able to parent with or without them.
Image courtesy of Jeron van Oostrom / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in balance, Child Custody, Children, Communication, Conflict, Coparenting, Coping, Distrust, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Nastiness, Life's Doors Mediation, New Coparent Coach Features, Parenting Time, personal growth, self care, Single parenting, support
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I have a bad cold, possibly the flu so I have decided to cancel tomorrow night’s divorce support group. Better not to spread it around, especially to parents with children to care for. We will plan to meet the next Monday. Hope to see you there! Rest up.
Image courtesy of stuart miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Abuse, accusations, anger, Attitude, balance, Child Custody, Children, Communication, confidence, Conflict, Coparenting, Coping, Court Authorities, Distrust, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, downward spiral, Faith, Family Court, judges, lies, motivation, optimism, Parenting Time, personal growth, positive thinking, positivity, Relationships, self care, significant others, Single parenting, support
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As you may have read previously, back in June, my ex filed for custody of my youngest son. My son and I had had an argument over the fact that his room was a pig stye and I wanted it cleaned. That was my only crime, demanding that my son clean his room. I had let my guard down, expecting that my ex would not go backwards and would actually tell my son that his behavior was not acceptable anywhere and would not be acceptable at his home either, instead he filed for sole custody, told the same lies to the judge that he always had told way back when and pulled his poor, poor pitiful me act yet again. I expected the judge to review the case and why I won sole custody, but the judge was lazy and did not want to do his job. The judge did not allow me the opportunity to speak to my son or to allow me to set up mediation. Mr. Judge Supreme wanted to show how powerful he was an after telling me that court orders cannot be enforced, he can uphold laws, such as law 609.26, ignoring the past physical abuse that my ex perpetrated against my son, the same child as was in the middle again, and not follow laws or court orders or even the proper procedure, and granted my ex sole custody.
As I strongly suspected, my ex was only interested in ending child support early. Had he told me so, I could have accommodated him, but he could not admit to that. I did know that my ex has been extremely jealous of me having my own business and being a mediator and divorce coach. This has been driving him nuts and his attack was solely an effort to get back his money that he did not feel I deserved or needed. You know what? He can have it. He is an alcoholic and it will not bother me if I see him drink himself to death with it.
You may think that this is a horror story and that I am upset about it. I am not. I have my son back. I want to give you all some hope for those of you living in fear that your ex will turn your child against you. I always tell people that the children will be the ultimate judge of you and your actions had better be in their best interests if you want to win not just the battle, but ultimately win the war.
I let my son go with his dad. I sent him a few emails about my love for him and my expectations of what it would mean for him to be a man. At the time he was 6 months away from turning 18. I also let him know what truths I knew about him and explained to him that I would always be there for him, but that I would not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect or to lie to me. Then I left him think about things and I completely left the choice of visiting me up to him.
After a period of adjustment, he did get past the fear of making his dad mad at him and started coming to stay with me with great frequency. He learned that his dad is not there for him and he had been used. You see, his dad got to keep his child support money but made my son pay for all of his expenses, including food, and medical supplies and medications for what is a chronic medical condition. He would not help my son get his drivers license or any of the things one would do if they really wanted their child. When he got sole custody, he left me listed as my son’s education coach at school and lead the school staff to believe that my son still lives at my house. Why would anyone who wanted custody and claimed child endangerment (because I told my son to clean his room) not take over these issues for their child? Because even in my case, the coparent’s issue is not about the child. It is solely about control. My son is even afraid to tell his dad that he lost his glasses because his dad is a horrible person when he is angry, even after 2 stints in anger management.
Anyway, it was a difficult period of time and since then my son has turned 18. He is making plans to move closer to where I live. The only reason he hasn’t done so is because he has a job out near his dad’s house. The best part is that he now spends a great deal of time at my house, pretty much whenever he is not working. His brother took him to get his drivers license last week when he was at our house and he passed. Even though his physical address is his dad’s house, his dad spends very little time with him.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that you can win in the end, even if you have lost some major battles during the process. In the end your child will know who is the one who is there for them. The other point I am trying to make is this: you know who your ex is. He or she may perform in front of court authorities or other professionals that are involved with your child and draw people into their pity party or manipulate them into aligning with them, but ultimately there comes a time when the kids are grown. You will find that you were right all along. Your ex is who they are and they can pretend all day long to be what they are not, but where it matters, for example, with their children, they cannot hide the truth.
Another bonus is that I think my son learned some important lessons as well.
- by lifesdoorsmediation
- in Abuse, Books, Child Custody, Children, Communication, confidence, Conflict, Coparenting, Coping, Court Authorities, Distrust, divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Nastiness, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, downward spiral, Faith, Family Court, hopelessness, judges, motivation, New Coparent Coach Features, optimism, Parent Coordinator, Parenting Consultants, Parenting Time, personal growth, positive thinking, positivity, Relationships, School Staff, self care, significant others, Single parenting, support
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The book is in the editing stages right now, which is taking a little longer than I had hoped, but I do expect that it will be available for purchase within 2 weeks or so. Stay tuned.
“The Parenting Consultant Nightmare” is a simple explanation of the parenting consultant process, the pitfalls, how to avoid it if you can, and if you can’t, offers some communication strategies and coping techniques. I think maybe even a parenting consultant could gain some insight into why parents often react the way they do, but it may be too much to expect for any of them to read it. Time will tell.
Anyway, it was hard for me not to announce it months ago, but I wanted to wait until the time was right and I think it is close enough to fruition that it is time to make the announcement!
© 2010-2017 by Susan Carpenter and Life’s Doors Mediation. All rights reserved
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