Don’t Let Them Scare You!

Young Couple Watching Scary Movie On Tv by marcolm
Image Courtesy of marcolm at freedigitalphotos.net

As a parent who navigated the Family Court System myself, it pains me to see all of the false information out in the Blogosphere and on Social Media that the uninformed have written, trying to entice you into joining their battles against Family Court and other systems that parents may encounter.  I get very upset at the thought that you might buy into the junk they are trying to sell you.

Last week, some blogger/coach was promoting an event through Facebook and because I am always looking for good folks to join me in providing solid information to parents, I decided to join the event and see what the person had to say.  The event was earlier today.  I am both glad I did join in and at the same time horrified that I wasted time on that.  The women is definitely someone I’d put in the category of misinformation-Blog-o-fears-gullible-nitwit.  I am not going to name them, their blog or their website, because you could be harmed if you pay any attention to them and I do not want to help them build an audience.  Quite frankly, I hope no one finds them at all.  Thank God only 3 people joined the big event today and I was one of them, which only leaves 2 people who could possibly be fooled.

Long story short, the blogger is another parent who believes in falsehoods and because they did, lost custody of their children.  They refuse to believe that they could be in any way flawed as a parent and so it is easier to believe in conspiracy theories than to have to self reflect.

Keep in mind that I often hear from clients about these sorts of blogs, organizations or groups, who are out there to “help” and I often have to offer reality checks and counter the nonsense that they have heard from these “helpers”.  So let’s look at the leader or founder of these types of organizations.  A common theme is that they lost custody of their child or had their child taken away “for no reason at all”.  OK.  So let’s say that is true.  They did nothing wrong.  They were just minding their own business, sitting at home and some evil entities came to the door from Family Court and removed the children from their home.  I have never heard one single case of this happening.  Not one.  So, anyway, my first question to a parent who wants to follow them is why would you follow their example?  They lost custody of their children.  Are they the role model to follow?  I think you should run like hell from them and find someone who knew how to get custody or at least keep it.  Doesn’t that sound more logical?  If any of you think that listening to the advice of a parent who lost custody is a wise idea, give me a call.  Seriously, I need it explained to me how that is ever helpful.  Call me at 763-566-2282 and let me know why I should change my thinking on it.  If I am wrong, I will admit that I am wrong and I will make corrections because I have the ability to self reflect.  I think my ability to self reflect may have been one of the keys to the positive outcome my own family experienced in our family court case.  If you think that it is logical to want to follow in the footsteps of parents who lost custody and sometimes all rights to their children, I do want to connect with you, for your children’s sake, if nothing else.

Your children are much too precious to put your faith in someone who doesn’t demonstrate an ability to succeed, no matter what it is they are trying to succeed at, and I care about parents way too much to sit idly by while they are being taught a bunch of nonsense.  It could cost a parent dearly and it could cost their children dearly.  At the very least, you should talk to people who hold an opposite view of the system so that you can weigh the difference between what was said by the system hater and those who “get” the ins and outs of the system, and decide for yourself which stance seems more logical and which path seems more likely to help you achieve your goals.  On the Family Court hating side, you have people who have all lost custody and still cannot seem to figure out the reason why and on the side who uses Family Court appropriately, you have some folks who kept or won custody of their children and they know exactly how they achieved their goals.  One side tried to cut the other parent out of their child’s life completely, mainly because of their inability to cope or manage co-parenting.  The other side was able to put their child’s needs before their own and wouldn’t dream of cutting their co-parent out of their child’s life.  This might be one hint to what equates to success in Family Court, hint, hint.  On the blog of fears side of the table, the leader of the pack has no clue what lead to them losing custody.  Do you really think they can show you the ropes if they are clueless like that?  On the successful side of Family Court encounters, parents can self reflect and not feel threatened by the other parent.  They know that both parents can win, although it is up to each one individually if that is going to happen.  Those parents are not going to try to scare you.  Their goal is to assist you and feel empowered as a parent.  I certainly hope you’ll think long and hard about the people you allow to help you through Family Court because another thing about those who “get it” is, they typically can recommend the best professionals to use, the ones who did help them.  They had professionals who understood their case, did the right thing and took the right action.  Many professionals will be willing to help you when you are able to help yourself, too.

So why do these blogs-of-fear people give out false information and try to scare you?  I have some theories.  The truth is that the nitwit people, like that blogger I listened to, are miserable.  They are miserable because they live in a land called denial and they refuse to see the truth.

Theory # 1:

Misery loves company.  Something horrible happened to them and they need you to make them feel better about it because if they are able to pull a bunch of you into it and you lose your children, too, then they are not alone in their misery.  They can use you as another example of how mean and nasty Family Court and Systems are.

I find it laughable how many disgruntled parents tell stories of Family Court professionals getting incentives for stealing their children away from them.  So, if Family Court is getting an incentive to take children away from parents, why did their ex get to keep the child?  Wouldn’t there be twice the money to take kids away from both parents?  No one wants to take your children, but parents sometimes do face harsh consequences when they continue to put their child in the middle of a nasty battle and/or make the child choose sides.

As I mentioned before, nobody is sitting around minding their own business and then Family Court comes to your door and makes you get divorced and have a custody battle.  Those are voluntary things.  I can attest that it doesn’t feel voluntary when you are not the one who filed for divorce.  Maybe your spouse filed and dragged you in kicking and screaming.  They were able to do this because you are in a legal entanglement of coupledom and they decided it was time to end the marriage they voluntarily entered into, which included certain legal entanglements.  They voluntarily entered into the marriage, but they have to seek court permission to get out of it so that those legal entanglements can be undone, like it or not.  Most people know in their heart that if a spouse wants a divorce, it doesn’t make any sense to force them to stay.  Divorce is hard.  It is sad.  It is the death of some dreams, but it may also end up being the best thing that ever happened to you and it can be a beneficial thing for children when their parents emotionally process their negative feelings about the life change, grieve the loss and build new lives full of new opportunities.

Theory #2:

They really do think they can take down Family Court.  They have an upside down view of Family Law and they really do think everything that happens there is illegal or unconstitutional.  Because they couldn’t “save their child”, they are going to save the rest of the world to make up for it.  It is very noble thinking to save the world, but when I coach parents, my advice is always to save yourself first.  Once you have succeeded in freeing your own family from a life of  nonstop Family Court action, you will have a plethora of knowledge to share, not to mention credibility.  Only when you succeed are you able to fully explain to someone else how they can succeed, as well.  To be honest, once a parent succeeds in taking control of their life in spite of a nasty ex and in the midst of court proceedings, they understand that there was a method to the madness and know that it lead to tremendous personal growth.

Theory #3:

They hate their ex more than anything else in the world.  They are consumed with hatred.  So much hatred, in fact, that they cannot see anything or anyone else.  They cannot say to themselves, “I love my child more than I hate my ex and will do anything to help my child”.

Theory #4:

They have extremely low self esteem.  They have no love for themselves and would rather go it alone, operating under false beliefs than to seek help, especially if they may have to admit that they need help or they have some problems with relationships.  In their minds, it is better to continue presenting a fake self than the real self they despise.  Deep down maybe they want to lose and create a self fulfilling prophecy?

Theory #5:

They may just be evil.  Some people want to hurt others.  Because they could not succeed, they don’t want to see anyone else succeed either.  All they want to do is destroy anyone in their path.

Whatever the reason that some people want to spread misinformation and make you afraid of Family Court, do not let them do it to you.  If you need real help, there is help for you.  Parents in Family Court need to have mentors, parents who went through the system and found solutions for their family.  Parents do not need to be terrified that they will lose their children.  It is a rare case where that happens and those parents are doing harm to their child.  They just may not be able to see it.

Divorce and co-parenting can be very difficult to navigate and if your ex spouse wants to put you through the worst experience of your life, it can seem overwhelming and unmanageable.  Look for people who help. Look for people like me and the team of mentors I am building at High Conflict U.  Do I have an ulterior motive?  Yes, I do.  I hope that you will succeed and build the life you dream about with your children and what would be even better than that is if I could convince you to positively help others through so that they can succeed as well.

Family Court can be a tool or a weapon.  That is a matter of fact.  However, you can choose not to use it as a weapon and if your ex decides to ttack you with it, there are people like me who will absolutely support you through it and help you turn the attacks back on the attacker, all while keeping your children out of the middle and living as carefree a childhood as possible.

If you need help with anything Family Court or Co-parenting related, help is just a phone call away at Life’s Doors Mediation, 763-566-2282 or High Conflict U at (800) 516-2446.

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Life’s Doors Mediation has Moved!

Fragile Box Means Easily Broken And Breakable by Stuart Miles
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net

As of July 1, 2018, you can find Life’s Doors Mediation in Golden Valley, Minnesota.  Life’s Doors Mediation offers divorce and post decree mediation along with a variety of other services.

Our Family Law Connected services:

  • Mediation
  • Parenting Consultant
  • Parenting Time Expediter
  • Divorce and Conflict Coaching

We encourage people who are experiencing relationship problems or long drawn out high conflict divorce and co-parenting issues to also check out our Trade Mark, “High Conflict U“.

High Conflict U offers:

  • Relationship Coaching and Consulting
  • Parenting Classes and Information
  • Online Webinars
  • Online Learning options
  • Divorce and Co-parenting Support, Education and Information
  • Specialty Programs
    • Discover Your Piece
    • Victim in the System
    • Crossroads to Connections
    • DYP for U

Check out our new location at:

The Golden Valley Professional Building
1710 Douglas Drive N., Golden Valley, MN 55422

If you want to schedule mediation, get support with divorce or are trying to work through a difficult co-parenting, high conflict custody situation, please contact Susan Carpenter at Life’s Doors Mediation, susan@lifesdoorsmediation.com, 763-566-2282.

Victim in the System Basic Course

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I know things have been pretty quiet on the blog lately, but I have been working hard with a new focus. My passion lies with helping parents. Believe me when I tell you that parents can make it through high conflict divorce. Parents can be of great support to their children in the midst of living a nightmare. Parents can be amazing parents, even when they are co-parenting in a high conflict or highly abusive custody situation. Sometimes, you just have to gain a little knowledge and a lot of confidence.

I am working very diligently to brand our new Divorce and Education Center, High Conflict U, and get all of our programs off and running. The latest is a basic free e-course called, “Victim in the System Basic”. Check it out and if you like it, consider signing up for our in-depth “Victim in the System Advanced” paid course. Also remember that we offer coaching services to any parent who is stuck in a high conflict nightmare. You can find out more about all the services provided at Life’s Doors Mediation and High Conflict U by visiting my website.

Take just a few minutes to go through my latest free e-course:

Victim in the System Basic Free E-Course

You can also check out the new website that is all about High Conflict U.

Renewal

Light Path by dan
Image courtesy of Dan at freedigitalphotos.net

 

When I started my journey to help parents, the goal was to save them from the confusion I knew they felt and to make their journey shorter and less painful than the one I had walked.  I felt called to be a guide, a teacher and provide comfort when I could.  I never promised to have all the answers.  We are all human, after all.  We need that higher power.  We need to believe in something greater than ourselves.  We need hope that there is much more to the journey than our current situation.  We need hope.

I spent the time of my story all alone.  I was alone because I could not find anyone else who really understood.  I started out scared and alone, just me and my two boys, but I did ask God for help.  I did not think he was helping so I quickly dismissed God and searched for someone or something else.  When I did that, there was nothing but me and the prison I was building for myself.

When I was finally tired of my lonely misery and found no one else who understood or had real knowledge I turned back to God and found he was always there.  He had never left me.  I was simply refusing to see him, to hear him and to trust him.  When I gave in to what he was doing, my life changed.  I was freed from a prison that really only existed in my own mind.  The door had always been open for me to walk through.

I was blessed and I wanted to share that blessing, that peace, that freedom with others who were held captive in their imaginary prisons.  I wanted them to see what I finally saw.  The door to your prison is already open.  You simply have to walk through it!

I went on to walk a new journey of helping parents escape the pain of divorce and high conflict custody battles.  Those who are open to change receive great rewards.  I share with them the secret to conquering Family Court and painful relationships.

While I am a mediator, parenting consultant, and parenting time expeditor in Minnesota, and I enjoy that work to a degree, those roles offer limited success.  Results depend on the good faith of the individuals involved.  The success or failure comes from the skills and abilities of the parents themselves and their desire to escape their own prison.

What I really enjoy is teaching.  It is in the one on one work that I do where I see dramatic results for parents.  It even works for high conflict families.  How wonderful it is to see fear and anxiety replaced with peace and confidence and to see that spill over for children.  Parents living peace and confidence are able to offer so much more to their children than are parents who struggle with pain and trauma.  Pain and trauma will not help you find your way out of a paper bag!  Pain, trauma and the stress of a journey through the darkness of family court, leaves you stuck.  Fumbling and stumbling because you aren’t aware of your true power makes you rely on professionals to light the way.   What you do not realize is most of the professionals don’t know the way either.  Even if they do, the professionals will not light your path for you.  They are trying to show you where the light is.  You have to take it.  It is not the lawyer’s job to teach you.  It is not the mediator’s job to teach you.  It isn’t the parenting coordinator’s job to teach you.  In some cases, I have made it my job to teach, but I can only do that in the one-on-one services I provide.  I’ve decided that will be my main focus in this coming year and beyond.

I will show you the way and offer guidance, but the work is up to you and you alone.  It is not easy, but you can free yourself and your children from the pain and trauma of Family Court and High Conflict divorce.  Even when your co-parent keeps inflicting more and more control, financial hardship and fear on you, there are ways to expose their attacks for what they are and find peace for your own house.

The goal of our the programs offered at Life’s Doors Mediation is to clue you in to what you do not understand so that you can free yourself from a narcissistic ex, a bipolar co-parent, toxic co-parenting and really understand why it is you feel so trapped.  We also share with you the truth about Family Court professionals.  Why don’t they seem to know what they are doing?  Why don’t lawyers help you?  Why don’t parenting consultants seem to care about domestic abuse?  We have programs that are specifically created to help victims of domestic violence.  Check out our program, Victim in the System.

 

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We also help those in High Conflict situations.  Are you tired of it yet?  Do you want out of the control?  Check out what High Conflict U has to offer.  There is even a free e-course about Parenting Consultants and Coordinators!

 

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High Conflict U-a trademark of Life’s Doors Mediation

 

You have nothing to lose!  If you have tried everything else and found no help, why not try something new in this New Year?  Pick our brains as to why your situation seems so backwards and upside down.

While Life’s Doors Mediation can only provide mediation, parenting consulting and parenting time expeditor services to parents in Minnesota, our coaching and educational programs are without limits.  We can assist anyone in the United States, or even the world, to move beyond the prison of Family Court.  You owe it to yourself and your children to try something new!  It is always a free consult.  What have you got to lose?

Thoughts From High Conflict U

As someone who has been working for almost 20 years to help parents navigate the very choppy waters of family court, I get a fair amount of calls and emails from parents who feel overwhelmed with how off track their case has become. High conflict cases snowball into unimagineable craziness and parents desperately want […]

via Who Do You Recommend for a Parenting Coordinator or Consultant? — High Conflict U

The Best Revenge on an Ex-Updated

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This article was originally posted on May 18, 2011.  Due to its popularity, I thought I’d re-post it.

When hit with divorce some people decide that their life is over. They think that in order to be a good parent, they must make sacrifices. They decide that dating has to wait until the children are grown, or they decide that they must be alone FOREVER.

There are always those people who decide that “all men are scum!” or that “all women are man haters!” While it certainly feels that way as you try to heal the wounds of divorce, those statements are blatantly false. Just because one person hurt you, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a loving man or woman out there who has been hurt just as badly, and would love to find someone like you. Many people are looking for a decent, loving individual, with whom they can build a new life, but instead, they do not allow themselves to seek out a potential mate.

It is called fear, people. Fear holds them back from true happiness. Those who live in fear never get to live life to the fullest. They miss out on the joy life can bring. They miss out on sharing a life with someone wonderful.

We can take our past experiences and let them continue to hurt us, or we could chalk it up to experience and hop right back on that bicycle and try it again. What I think people find through dating, especially when they are a little older and have been through divorce, is that they matter, and that they are more beautiful and desirable than they think they are.

The period following divorce can be a chance to learn about yourself. It can be a time to figure out who you are and what your interests are. You can try people on for size and it will help you find the right one for you. Just because the last one turned out to be the wrong one, that is no reason to give up and hide under the covers. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Just make sure that you have examined your part in the failed relationship and that you are emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship before you get deeply involved with a new mate. It will save many headaches later if you get your act together!

I have another take on that whole “sacrificing for the children” belief. I think that when you swear off dating, you are robbing your children of a good example. Here’s why: Since you ended up divorced, that was probably not the best example of a healthy relationship. Did you fight? Was there chemical dependency involved? Was your ex physically and verbally abusive? Children learn by modeling. They observe the relationships they see and it leaves an impression on them. The kind of relationship they witness will be the relationship they seek out in their own lives and they will do so without even knowing they are doing it.

One day, they will choose a significant other and have a relationship just like their parents had. Why? Because this is what a relationship looks like to them. Do you want that? Would it be better to show your children how to date selectively and then hopefully find that special person with whom you can have a healthy, lasting relationship with? What a great model to give them, especially if all of the relationships around them haven’t always been the healthiest! Do this for you, but also for your children, and for that new person you have yet to meet, the one who is just as lonely as you are. You just might surprise yourself and find the right one. I know I have.

Keep in mind that there is another reason to open your heart and mind to love, and all of the possibilities in life. Your ex. While I would never recommend dating just to get back at your ex, I do think the best revenge on an ex is for them to see you blissfully happy and successful in life! Go ahead. Have the last laugh.

 

No Assumptions

no licensing requirement found
no licensing requirement found

If I were to pass legislation to improve the Family Courts, I would not want to pass a joint custody assumption or a 50-50 shared parenting time assumption or anything of the sort.  I’d put forth a “Make No Assumptions” Family Law bill.  I would prefer that the courts not be involved in families at all.   If you are the two parents whose relationship resulted in bringing a new life into this world, you already share a child.  Why look to the court to give you something you already have?  The only time a court should be concerned about the relationships in your family is if someone or something is denying with or interfering with your right to participate in that relationship.  Other than that, it should be up to you to determine how parenting should be split, based on numerous different factors, and if you have to look to a court for a decision, they should have to look at those numerous different factors, too.  A split down the middle might be the right way to go, but it might not be.  We should also keep in mind that parenting is not just about time with the children.  It is about much more.  Raising a child is not an equal proposition.  It’s not a perfect science, and it is definitely not fair.  50-50 is something we invented to seem fair, but is it fair?  Is it fair to the child?  What about the parent who works evenings, whose kids are in school all day?  Should we still give evening time, to be fair, even though the parent cannot be there?  If that parent has every weekend with the child, is that fair and equal to the parent who gets zero weekends?  Kids do not always feel close to both parents equally, at all times.   That is just the nature of life, love and the intricacies of a relationship, and it isn’t always fair.  If parents come to court to settle parenting time disputes, shouldn’t the court have to look at all of the factors of the case and then decide what makes sense for that family over what is fair?

Let me explain why I believe that courts should not make assumptions about custody, or even parenting time.

In Minnesota, the courts use the Best Interests of the Children Standards when there is a Custody dispute. That standard is often applied in parenting time disputes as well. Many legal experts admit that these standards are out of date.  Personally, I feel that the Best Interest standards are a myth, just like much of what Family Court tries to do to “Case Manage” families, is a myth.  Families cannot and should not be case managed, and who is qualified to determine anyone’s best interest?

The interesting thing about the best Interest of the Child Standard is that the courts have gone to a shared parenting assumption throughout the nation. It may not be law in every state, but it is the line of thinking behind the scenes. Research shows that children do better in life when they have involvement and on-going contact with both of their parents, whether in the marital home, or after the marriage has ended.  Shared parenting, one could say, is in the “Best Interests of the Child”.  I am not arguing that fact.  Whenever possible, both mom and dad should continue to be involved parents for their children. What I am going to argue here is whether or not the courts are actually concerning themselves with the best interest of the child, or more with the best interest of the parent.  Is giving a parent 50% of a child’s time/life about the child, or about the parents perceived “right” of fairness?

There is research out there that shows children of married parents do better than children of unmarried parents. Should a court force a couple to stay married because of that research? How can you force a relationship between two people?  Still, Family Courts do try to force their idea of shared parenting on families and it has been a disaster. They instill parental “rights”, and when parents fight over those shared rights, there is no one actually looking at the “rights” or needs of the child. The child becomes lost in the battle.  The battles are almost always a dispute about what dad wants or what mom wants, and judges decide which parent “wins”.  Children are an unseen entity that everyone loses sight of.  They are usually not in the court and rarely given a voice.  Of course age has to do with that somewhat, but even older children are excluded from the process.

I do agree that a child has 2 parents with equal rights, and those parents share the rights to that child.  I really hesitated writing that last sentence because to say a child belongs to both parents, or anyone has the “rights” to each other seems highly adversarial and enslaving.  It creates a misconception that a person could be the property of someone.  We do not own our children.  We have been blessed with being given a relationship with them and a responsibility to care for them.  We have to recognize that both people are the parents of the child, and the child was born to those two individuals who produced the child.  I do not want to use words that imply “ownership”.  None of us have a “right” to another person. Maybe we need to call it “relationship with”, and rather than protecting “parental rights”, we should protect the “parental relationship”.  When you think in terms of a relationship with someone, you can then realize that a relationship cannot be proclaimed.  If you want to have a relationship with another human being, you have to cultivate and cherish that relationship.  You have to honor and respect the other person if you want to keep them in relationship with you.  This applies to a co-parent and it applies to your child.  It applies to every person with whom you intend to have an ongoing relationship, and asking a court to proclaim it for you will never create the relationship you hope to have with your child, former spouse that you parent with, or anyone else.

If we want to look at best interest of a child, we need to look at best interest according to whom?  I certainly would not want anyone deciding what was in my best interest because they would have to know my history and what things have happened in my life that forged the person I am today.  They would have to know my heart, and what makes me tick.  They would have to know what my passions are, what I am interested in and what I am not interested in.  They would have to know what family means to me, because it means different things to different people.  Some people could care less about blood relationships and more about caring relationships in their lives, than they care who shares DNA.  They would have to know my life experience from birth, and there is just no way that they could.  So who is the best authority on what is in anyone best interests? As you ponder that question, you can see, that is a tough one to answer.

Maybe it should be the best interest of the family.  What do little Mary and Johnny need?  What do mom and dad need?  What does the family need to make this transition easier for all?  What has happened in their past?  What are their dreams for the future?  Can a family find that kind of help in the legal system? No, they cannot.  You can ask for court orders, but try to get enforcement when another individual is truly opposed to something.  Asking for court orders also creates a bad pattern for your life because the only authority courts have over your family exists now, because of a minor child.  If you have to force children to be in relationship with you, what happens when they turn 18?  A parent had better hope to cultivate, honor and respect that relationship so that it still exists when a child becomes an adult.  Court can only ever be a temporary fix. You will need to figure it out at some point, or you just might lose it all in the end.

The reason that no one should make assumptions about families is because families are complex.  Is it fair when one parent wants the relationship with their children, but not the responsibility for them?  Families are made up of individuals and relationships. They have different passions. They have different personalities. They have different schedules.  There may be good reason why the parents do not interact. There may be good reasons why a parent should not have 50% of their children’s time.  Parents have to look at time, not as a reflection of their value as a parent, but rather as the value of their child’s life and activities and interests.  Life cannot be scheduled on weekends and mom’s time/dad’s time, and be fair to everyone.  Life happens on its own schedule and in its own time frame. Events and milestones happen when they happen.  Parents and children have different time frames of healing from trauma, and let me tell you that there are very few things in life as traumatic as divorce, especially divorce with children.

In a perfect world, we would stop talking in terms of “Parental Rights” and the “best interest of the children” and start honoring and respecting the family relationships and dynamics.  These things cannot be legislated or court ordered.  We can and do have laws to protect parental relationships so that parents are never denied time with their children, or restricted in building a relationship with their children. Denying and restricting time is something that not only warring parents try to do, but courts do as well, and there are laws that are supposed to prevent that, if only those would be enforced.   Naysayers will always remind me about safety and abuse, but if the Family Court would get out of relationships, the criminal courts could and should deal with abuse and neglect issues where they exist.
Children are not property and society needs to stop treating them as such. We are destroying beautiful children as we carve up their lives into the ownership of percentages of time, and we are setting them up for failure.  They are also being given a horrible example of how to build and cultivate healthy relationships and work through relationship conflict.  We have to do better as a society with honoring and respecting each other as the beautiful, wondrous people that we are.