Music is one of my passions. It has helped me get through many painful life situations, helped me realize how deep my love can go and also helped me grow in faith. When I went through difficult Family Court situations, this song helped me understand that I could change for my children. Whenever I hear it, I think of my kids and the sacrifice I made to free them from a difficult situation that I had a hand in creating. Because I helped create it, I could also be instrumental in undoing it. You can, too. What better reason to change than to be a powerful parent for your children?
Happy Saturday! Blessings to you and your children.
As a parent who navigated the Family Court System myself, it pains me to see all of the false information out in the Blogosphere and on Social Media that the uninformed have written, trying to entice you into joining their battles against Family Court and other systems that parents may encounter. I get very upset at the thought that you might buy into the junk they are trying to sell you.
Last week, some blogger/coach was promoting an event through Facebook and because I am always looking for good folks to join me in providing solid information to parents, I decided to join the event and see what the person had to say. The event was earlier today. I am both glad I did join in and at the same time horrified that I wasted time on that. The women is definitely someone I’d put in the category of misinformation-Blog-o-fears-gullible-nitwit. I am not going to name them, their blog or their website, because you could be harmed if you pay any attention to them and I do not want to help them build an audience. Quite frankly, I hope no one finds them at all. Thank God only 3 people joined the big event today and I was one of them, which only leaves 2 people who could possibly be fooled.
Long story short, the blogger is another parent who believes in falsehoods and because they did, lost custody of their children. They refuse to believe that they could be in any way flawed as a parent and so it is easier to believe in conspiracy theories than to have to self reflect.
Keep in mind that I often hear from clients about these sorts of blogs, organizations or groups, who are out there to “help” and I often have to offer reality checks and counter the nonsense that they have heard from these “helpers”. So let’s look at the leader or founder of these types of organizations. A common theme is that they lost custody of their child or had their child taken away “for no reason at all”. OK. So let’s say that is true. They did nothing wrong. They were just minding their own business, sitting at home and some evil entities came to the door from Family Court and removed the children from their home. I have never heard one single case of this happening. Not one. So, anyway, my first question to a parent who wants to follow them is why would you follow their example? They lost custody of their children. Are they the role model to follow? I think you should run like hell from them and find someone who knew how to get custody or at least keep it. Doesn’t that sound more logical? If any of you think that listening to the advice of a parent who lost custody is a wise idea, give me a call. Seriously, I need it explained to me how that is ever helpful. Call me at 763-566-2282 and let me know why I should change my thinking on it. If I am wrong, I will admit that I am wrong and I will make corrections because I have the ability to self reflect. I think my ability to self reflect may have been one of the keys to the positive outcome my own family experienced in our family court case. If you think that it is logical to want to follow in the footsteps of parents who lost custody and sometimes all rights to their children, I do want to connect with you, for your children’s sake, if nothing else.
Your children are much too precious to put your faith in someone who doesn’t demonstrate an ability to succeed, no matter what it is they are trying to succeed at, and I care about parents way too much to sit idly by while they are being taught a bunch of nonsense. It could cost a parent dearly and it could cost their children dearly. At the very least, you should talk to people who hold an opposite view of the system so that you can weigh the difference between what was said by the system hater and those who “get” the ins and outs of the system, and decide for yourself which stance seems more logical and which path seems more likely to help you achieve your goals. On the Family Court hating side, you have people who have all lost custody and still cannot seem to figure out the reason why and on the side who uses Family Court appropriately, you have some folks who kept or won custody of their children and they know exactly how they achieved their goals. One side tried to cut the other parent out of their child’s life completely, mainly because of their inability to cope or manage co-parenting. The other side was able to put their child’s needs before their own and wouldn’t dream of cutting their co-parent out of their child’s life. This might be one hint to what equates to success in Family Court, hint, hint. On the blog of fears side of the table, the leader of the pack has no clue what lead to them losing custody. Do you really think they can show you the ropes if they are clueless like that? On the successful side of Family Court encounters, parents can self reflect and not feel threatened by the other parent. They know that both parents can win, although it is up to each one individually if that is going to happen. Those parents are not going to try to scare you. Their goal is to assist you and feel empowered as a parent. I certainly hope you’ll think long and hard about the people you allow to help you through Family Court because another thing about those who “get it” is, they typically can recommend the best professionals to use, the ones who did help them. They had professionals who understood their case, did the right thing and took the right action. Many professionals will be willing to help you when you are able to help yourself, too.
So why do these blogs-of-fear people give out false information and try to scare you? I have some theories. The truth is that the nitwit people, like that blogger I listened to, are miserable. They are miserable because they live in a land called denial and they refuse to see the truth.
Theory # 1:
Misery loves company. Something horrible happened to them and they need you to make them feel better about it because if they are able to pull a bunch of you into it and you lose your children, too, then they are not alone in their misery. They can use you as another example of how mean and nasty Family Court and Systems are.
I find it laughable how many disgruntled parents tell stories of Family Court professionals getting incentives for stealing their children away from them. So, if Family Court is getting an incentive to take children away from parents, why did their ex get to keep the child? Wouldn’t there be twice the money to take kids away from both parents? No one wants to take your children, but parents sometimes do face harsh consequences when they continue to put their child in the middle of a nasty battle and/or make the child choose sides.
As I mentioned before, nobody is sitting around minding their own business and then Family Court comes to your door and makes you get divorced and have a custody battle. Those are voluntary things. I can attest that it doesn’t feel voluntary when you are not the one who filed for divorce. Maybe your spouse filed and dragged you in kicking and screaming. They were able to do this because you are in a legal entanglement of coupledom and they decided it was time to end the marriage they voluntarily entered into, which included certain legal entanglements. They voluntarily entered into the marriage, but they have to seek court permission to get out of it so that those legal entanglements can be undone, like it or not. Most people know in their heart that if a spouse wants a divorce, it doesn’t make any sense to force them to stay. Divorce is hard. It is sad. It is the death of some dreams, but it may also end up being the best thing that ever happened to you and it can be a beneficial thing for children when their parents emotionally process their negative feelings about the life change, grieve the loss and build new lives full of new opportunities.
They really do think they can take down Family Court. They have an upside down view of Family Law and they really do think everything that happens there is illegal or unconstitutional. Because they couldn’t “save their child”, they are going to save the rest of the world to make up for it. It is very noble thinking to save the world, but when I coach parents, my advice is always to save yourself first. Once you have succeeded in freeing your own family from a life of nonstop Family Court action, you will have a plethora of knowledge to share, not to mention credibility. Only when you succeed are you able to fully explain to someone else how they can succeed, as well. To be honest, once a parent succeeds in taking control of their life in spite of a nasty ex and in the midst of court proceedings, they understand that there was a method to the madness and know that it lead to tremendous personal growth.
They hate their ex more than anything else in the world. They are consumed with hatred. So much hatred, in fact, that they cannot see anything or anyone else. They cannot say to themselves, “I love my child more than I hate my ex and will do anything to help my child”.
They have extremely low self esteem. They have no love for themselves and would rather go it alone, operating under false beliefs than to seek help, especially if they may have to admit that they need help or they have some problems with relationships. In their minds, it is better to continue presenting a fake self than the real self they despise. Deep down maybe they want to lose and create a self fulfilling prophecy?
They may just be evil. Some people want to hurt others. Because they could not succeed, they don’t want to see anyone else succeed either. All they want to do is destroy anyone in their path.
Whatever the reason that some people want to spread misinformation and make you afraid of Family Court, do not let them do it to you. If you need real help, there is help for you. Parents in Family Court need to have mentors, parents who went through the system and found solutions for their family. Parents do not need to be terrified that they will lose their children. It is a rare case where that happens and those parents are doing harm to their child. They just may not be able to see it.
Divorce and co-parenting can be very difficult to navigate and if your ex spouse wants to put you through the worst experience of your life, it can seem overwhelming and unmanageable. Look for people who help. Look for people like me and the team of mentors I am building at High Conflict U. Do I have an ulterior motive? Yes, I do. I hope that you will succeed and build the life you dream about with your children and what would be even better than that is if I could convince you to positively help others through so that they can succeed as well.
Family Court can be a tool or a weapon. That is a matter of fact. However, you can choose not to use it as a weapon and if your ex decides to ttack you with it, there are people like me who will absolutely support you through it and help you turn the attacks back on the attacker, all while keeping your children out of the middle and living as carefree a childhood as possible.
I know things have been pretty quiet on the blog lately, but I have been working hard with a new focus. My passion lies with helping parents. Believe me when I tell you that parents can make it through high conflict divorce. Parents can be of great support to their children in the midst of living a nightmare. Parents can be amazing parents, even when they are co-parenting in a high conflict or highly abusive custody situation. Sometimes, you just have to gain a little knowledge and a lot of confidence.
I am working very diligently to brand our new Divorce and Education Center, High Conflict U, and get all of our programs off and running. The latest is a basic free e-course called, “Victim in the System Basic”. Check it out and if you like it, consider signing up for our in-depth “Victim in the System Advanced” paid course. Also remember that we offer coaching services to any parent who is stuck in a high conflict nightmare. You can find out more about all the services provided at Life’s Doors Mediation and High Conflict U by visiting my website.
Take just a few minutes to go through my latest free e-course:
When I started my journey to help parents, the goal was to save them from the confusion I knew they felt and to make their journey shorter and less painful than the one I had walked. I felt called to be a guide, a teacher and provide comfort when I could. I never promised to have all the answers. We are all human, after all. We need that higher power. We need to believe in something greater than ourselves. We need hope that there is much more to the journey than our current situation. We need hope.
I spent the time of my story all alone. I was alone because I could not find anyone else who really understood. I started out scared and alone, just me and my two boys, but I did ask God for help. I did not think he was helping so I quickly dismissed God and searched for someone or something else. When I did that, there was nothing but me and the prison I was building for myself.
When I was finally tired of my lonely misery and found no one else who understood or had real knowledge I turned back to God and found he was always there. He had never left me. I was simply refusing to see him, to hear him and to trust him. When I gave in to what he was doing, my life changed. I was freed from a prison that really only existed in my own mind. The door had always been open for me to walk through.
I was blessed and I wanted to share that blessing, that peace, that freedom with others who were held captive in their imaginary prisons. I wanted them to see what I finally saw. The door to your prison is already open. You simply have to walk through it!
I went on to walk a new journey of helping parents escape the pain of divorce and high conflict custody battles. Those who are open to change receive great rewards. I share with them the secret to conquering Family Court and painful relationships.
While I am a mediator, parenting consultant, and parenting time expeditor in Minnesota, and I enjoy that work to a degree, those roles offer limited success. Results depend on the good faith of the individuals involved. The success or failure comes from the skills and abilities of the parents themselves and their desire to escape their own prison.
What I really enjoy is teaching. It is in the one on one work that I do where I see dramatic results for parents. It even works for high conflict families. How wonderful it is to see fear and anxiety replaced with peace and confidence and to see that spill over for children. Parents living peace and confidence are able to offer so much more to their children than are parents who struggle with pain and trauma. Pain and trauma will not help you find your way out of a paper bag! Pain, trauma and the stress of a journey through the darkness of family court, leaves you stuck. Fumbling and stumbling because you aren’t aware of your true power makes you rely on professionals to light the way. What you do not realize is most of the professionals don’t know the way either. Even if they do, the professionals will not light your path for you. They are trying to show you where the light is. You have to take it. It is not the lawyer’s job to teach you. It is not the mediator’s job to teach you. It isn’t the parenting coordinator’s job to teach you. In some cases, I have made it my job to teach, but I can only do that in the one-on-one services I provide. I’ve decided that will be my main focus in this coming year and beyond.
I will show you the way and offer guidance, but the work is up to you and you alone. It is not easy, but you can free yourself and your children from the pain and trauma of Family Court and High Conflict divorce. Even when your co-parent keeps inflicting more and more control, financial hardship and fear on you, there are ways to expose their attacks for what they are and find peace for your own house.
The goal of our the programs offered at Life’s Doors Mediation is to clue you in to what you do not understand so that you can free yourself from a narcissistic ex, a bipolar co-parent, toxic co-parenting and really understand why it is you feel so trapped. We also share with you the truth about Family Court professionals. Why don’t they seem to know what they are doing? Why don’t lawyers help you? Why don’t parenting consultants seem to care about domestic abuse? We have programs that are specifically created to help victims of domestic violence. Check out our program, Victim in the System.
You have nothing to lose! If you have tried everything else and found no help, why not try something new in this New Year? Pick our brains as to why your situation seems so backwards and upside down.
While Life’s Doors Mediation can only provide mediation, parenting consulting and parenting time expeditor services to parents in Minnesota, our coaching and educational programs are without limits. We can assist anyone in the United States, or even the world, to move beyond the prison of Family Court. You owe it to yourself and your children to try something new! It is always a free consult. What have you got to lose?
As someone who has been working for almost 20 years to help parents navigate the very choppy waters of family court, I get a fair amount of calls and emails from parents who feel overwhelmed with how off track their case has become. High conflict cases snowball into unimagineable craziness and parents desperately want […]
This article was originally posted on May 18, 2011. Due to its popularity, I thought I’d re-post it.
When hit with divorce some people decide that their life is over. They think that in order to be a good parent, they must make sacrifices. They decide that dating has to wait until the children are grown, or they decide that they must be alone FOREVER.
There are always those people who decide that “all men are scum!” or that “all women are man haters!” While it certainly feels that way as you try to heal the wounds of divorce, those statements are blatantly false. Just because one person hurt you, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a loving man or woman out there who has been hurt just as badly, and would love to find someone like you. Many people are looking for a decent, loving individual, with whom they can build a new life, but instead, they do not allow themselves to seek out a potential mate.
It is called fear, people. Fear holds them back from true happiness. Those who live in fear never get to live life to the fullest. They miss out on the joy life can bring. They miss out on sharing a life with someone wonderful.
We can take our past experiences and let them continue to hurt us, or we could chalk it up to experience and hop right back on that bicycle and try it again. What I think people find through dating, especially when they are a little older and have been through divorce, is that they matter, and that they are more beautiful and desirable than they think they are.
The period following divorce can be a chance to learn about yourself. It can be a time to figure out who you are and what your interests are. You can try people on for size and it will help you find the right one for you. Just because the last one turned out to be the wrong one, that is no reason to give up and hide under the covers. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Just make sure that you have examined your part in the failed relationship and that you are emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship before you get deeply involved with a new mate. It will save many headaches later if you get your act together!
I have another take on that whole “sacrificing for the children” belief. I think that when you swear off dating, you are robbing your children of a good example. Here’s why: Since you ended up divorced, that was probably not the best example of a healthy relationship. Did you fight? Was there chemical dependency involved? Was your ex physically and verbally abusive? Children learn by modeling. They observe the relationships they see and it leaves an impression on them. The kind of relationship they witness will be the relationship they seek out in their own lives and they will do so without even knowing they are doing it.
One day, they will choose a significant other and have a relationship just like their parents had. Why? Because this is what a relationship looks like to them. Do you want that? Would it be better to show your children how to date selectively and then hopefully find that special person with whom you can have a healthy, lasting relationship with? What a great model to give them, especially if all of the relationships around them haven’t always been the healthiest! Do this for you, but also for your children, and for that new person you have yet to meet, the one who is just as lonely as you are. You just might surprise yourself and find the right one. I know I have.
Keep in mind that there is another reason to open your heart and mind to love, and all of the possibilities in life. Your ex. While I would never recommend dating just to get back at your ex, I do think the best revenge on an ex is for them to see you blissfully happy and successful in life! Go ahead. Have the last laugh.