Don’t Let Them Scare You!

Young Couple Watching Scary Movie On Tv by marcolm
Image Courtesy of marcolm at freedigitalphotos.net

As a parent who navigated the Family Court System myself, it pains me to see all of the false information out in the Blogosphere and on Social Media that the uninformed have written, trying to entice you into joining their battles against Family Court and other systems that parents may encounter.  I get very upset at the thought that you might buy into the junk they are trying to sell you.

Last week, some blogger/coach was promoting an event through Facebook and because I am always looking for good folks to join me in providing solid information to parents, I decided to join the event and see what the person had to say.  The event was earlier today.  I am both glad I did join in and at the same time horrified that I wasted time on that.  The women is definitely someone I’d put in the category of misinformation-Blog-o-fears-gullible-nitwit.  I am not going to name them, their blog or their website, because you could be harmed if you pay any attention to them and I do not want to help them build an audience.  Quite frankly, I hope no one finds them at all.  Thank God only 3 people joined the big event today and I was one of them, which only leaves 2 people who could possibly be fooled.

Long story short, the blogger is another parent who believes in falsehoods and because they did, lost custody of their children.  They refuse to believe that they could be in any way flawed as a parent and so it is easier to believe in conspiracy theories than to have to self reflect.

Keep in mind that I often hear from clients about these sorts of blogs, organizations or groups, who are out there to “help” and I often have to offer reality checks and counter the nonsense that they have heard from these “helpers”.  So let’s look at the leader or founder of these types of organizations.  A common theme is that they lost custody of their child or had their child taken away “for no reason at all”.  OK.  So let’s say that is true.  They did nothing wrong.  They were just minding their own business, sitting at home and some evil entities came to the door from Family Court and removed the children from their home.  I have never heard one single case of this happening.  Not one.  So, anyway, my first question to a parent who wants to follow them is why would you follow their example?  They lost custody of their children.  Are they the role model to follow?  I think you should run like hell from them and find someone who knew how to get custody or at least keep it.  Doesn’t that sound more logical?  If any of you think that listening to the advice of a parent who lost custody is a wise idea, give me a call.  Seriously, I need it explained to me how that is ever helpful.  Call me at 763-566-2282 and let me know why I should change my thinking on it.  If I am wrong, I will admit that I am wrong and I will make corrections because I have the ability to self reflect.  I think my ability to self reflect may have been one of the keys to the positive outcome my own family experienced in our family court case.  If you think that it is logical to want to follow in the footsteps of parents who lost custody and sometimes all rights to their children, I do want to connect with you, for your children’s sake, if nothing else.

Your children are much too precious to put your faith in someone who doesn’t demonstrate an ability to succeed, no matter what it is they are trying to succeed at, and I care about parents way too much to sit idly by while they are being taught a bunch of nonsense.  It could cost a parent dearly and it could cost their children dearly.  At the very least, you should talk to people who hold an opposite view of the system so that you can weigh the difference between what was said by the system hater and those who “get” the ins and outs of the system, and decide for yourself which stance seems more logical and which path seems more likely to help you achieve your goals.  On the Family Court hating side, you have people who have all lost custody and still cannot seem to figure out the reason why and on the side who uses Family Court appropriately, you have some folks who kept or won custody of their children and they know exactly how they achieved their goals.  One side tried to cut the other parent out of their child’s life completely, mainly because of their inability to cope or manage co-parenting.  The other side was able to put their child’s needs before their own and wouldn’t dream of cutting their co-parent out of their child’s life.  This might be one hint to what equates to success in Family Court, hint, hint.  On the blog of fears side of the table, the leader of the pack has no clue what lead to them losing custody.  Do you really think they can show you the ropes if they are clueless like that?  On the successful side of Family Court encounters, parents can self reflect and not feel threatened by the other parent.  They know that both parents can win, although it is up to each one individually if that is going to happen.  Those parents are not going to try to scare you.  Their goal is to assist you and feel empowered as a parent.  I certainly hope you’ll think long and hard about the people you allow to help you through Family Court because another thing about those who “get it” is, they typically can recommend the best professionals to use, the ones who did help them.  They had professionals who understood their case, did the right thing and took the right action.  Many professionals will be willing to help you when you are able to help yourself, too.

So why do these blogs-of-fear people give out false information and try to scare you?  I have some theories.  The truth is that the nitwit people, like that blogger I listened to, are miserable.  They are miserable because they live in a land called denial and they refuse to see the truth.

Theory # 1:

Misery loves company.  Something horrible happened to them and they need you to make them feel better about it because if they are able to pull a bunch of you into it and you lose your children, too, then they are not alone in their misery.  They can use you as another example of how mean and nasty Family Court and Systems are.

I find it laughable how many disgruntled parents tell stories of Family Court professionals getting incentives for stealing their children away from them.  So, if Family Court is getting an incentive to take children away from parents, why did their ex get to keep the child?  Wouldn’t there be twice the money to take kids away from both parents?  No one wants to take your children, but parents sometimes do face harsh consequences when they continue to put their child in the middle of a nasty battle and/or make the child choose sides.

As I mentioned before, nobody is sitting around minding their own business and then Family Court comes to your door and makes you get divorced and have a custody battle.  Those are voluntary things.  I can attest that it doesn’t feel voluntary when you are not the one who filed for divorce.  Maybe your spouse filed and dragged you in kicking and screaming.  They were able to do this because you are in a legal entanglement of coupledom and they decided it was time to end the marriage they voluntarily entered into, which included certain legal entanglements.  They voluntarily entered into the marriage, but they have to seek court permission to get out of it so that those legal entanglements can be undone, like it or not.  Most people know in their heart that if a spouse wants a divorce, it doesn’t make any sense to force them to stay.  Divorce is hard.  It is sad.  It is the death of some dreams, but it may also end up being the best thing that ever happened to you and it can be a beneficial thing for children when their parents emotionally process their negative feelings about the life change, grieve the loss and build new lives full of new opportunities.

Theory #2:

They really do think they can take down Family Court.  They have an upside down view of Family Law and they really do think everything that happens there is illegal or unconstitutional.  Because they couldn’t “save their child”, they are going to save the rest of the world to make up for it.  It is very noble thinking to save the world, but when I coach parents, my advice is always to save yourself first.  Once you have succeeded in freeing your own family from a life of  nonstop Family Court action, you will have a plethora of knowledge to share, not to mention credibility.  Only when you succeed are you able to fully explain to someone else how they can succeed, as well.  To be honest, once a parent succeeds in taking control of their life in spite of a nasty ex and in the midst of court proceedings, they understand that there was a method to the madness and know that it lead to tremendous personal growth.

Theory #3:

They hate their ex more than anything else in the world.  They are consumed with hatred.  So much hatred, in fact, that they cannot see anything or anyone else.  They cannot say to themselves, “I love my child more than I hate my ex and will do anything to help my child”.

Theory #4:

They have extremely low self esteem.  They have no love for themselves and would rather go it alone, operating under false beliefs than to seek help, especially if they may have to admit that they need help or they have some problems with relationships.  In their minds, it is better to continue presenting a fake self than the real self they despise.  Deep down maybe they want to lose and create a self fulfilling prophecy?

Theory #5:

They may just be evil.  Some people want to hurt others.  Because they could not succeed, they don’t want to see anyone else succeed either.  All they want to do is destroy anyone in their path.

Whatever the reason that some people want to spread misinformation and make you afraid of Family Court, do not let them do it to you.  If you need real help, there is help for you.  Parents in Family Court need to have mentors, parents who went through the system and found solutions for their family.  Parents do not need to be terrified that they will lose their children.  It is a rare case where that happens and those parents are doing harm to their child.  They just may not be able to see it.

Divorce and co-parenting can be very difficult to navigate and if your ex spouse wants to put you through the worst experience of your life, it can seem overwhelming and unmanageable.  Look for people who help. Look for people like me and the team of mentors I am building at High Conflict U.  Do I have an ulterior motive?  Yes, I do.  I hope that you will succeed and build the life you dream about with your children and what would be even better than that is if I could convince you to positively help others through so that they can succeed as well.

Family Court can be a tool or a weapon.  That is a matter of fact.  However, you can choose not to use it as a weapon and if your ex decides to ttack you with it, there are people like me who will absolutely support you through it and help you turn the attacks back on the attacker, all while keeping your children out of the middle and living as carefree a childhood as possible.

If you need help with anything Family Court or Co-parenting related, help is just a phone call away at Life’s Doors Mediation, 763-566-2282 or High Conflict U at (800) 516-2446.

Victim in the System Basic Course

Victim in the System event banner logo

I know things have been pretty quiet on the blog lately, but I have been working hard with a new focus. My passion lies with helping parents. Believe me when I tell you that parents can make it through high conflict divorce. Parents can be of great support to their children in the midst of living a nightmare. Parents can be amazing parents, even when they are co-parenting in a high conflict or highly abusive custody situation. Sometimes, you just have to gain a little knowledge and a lot of confidence.

I am working very diligently to brand our new Divorce and Education Center, High Conflict U, and get all of our programs off and running. The latest is a basic free e-course called, “Victim in the System Basic”. Check it out and if you like it, consider signing up for our in-depth “Victim in the System Advanced” paid course. Also remember that we offer coaching services to any parent who is stuck in a high conflict nightmare. You can find out more about all the services provided at Life’s Doors Mediation and High Conflict U by visiting my website.

Take just a few minutes to go through my latest free e-course:

Victim in the System Basic Free E-Course

You can also check out the new website that is all about High Conflict U.

A Song of Truth


This song expresses what I want you to know.  Times are extremely difficult for many of you right now, but it will get better.  Anytime we experience times of struggle, it can be overwhelming and you might think, “Is this all there is?  Is this my life now?  Why me?  Why now?”  All you can do sometimes is pass the time with some simple pleasures.



When I used to feel alone and friends weren’t around, music was always there for me.  Those times when I thought I could not live through the nightmare I was experienced, music was healing and allowed me to express my anger and shed many tears.  The craziest thing of all is that I went through so much personal growth and if being spared the difficult times would mean that I would not be who I am today and doing what I am doing today and being with the love of my life today, I would choose to go through it all again because of what I found on the other side.





And I cannot forget my favorite Jo Dee Messina song:










Coming Soon!






As I have mentioned before, I have been very busy working on a couple of major projects.  I hope to bring help and guidance to parents who are stuck in coparenting hell and maybe bring some change to the way coparenting conflicts are handled in Minnesota.  I am ready to finally announce one of my projects is complete.  You will soon be able to purchase my first book, “The Parenting Consultant Nightmare”.

The book is in the editing stages right now, which is taking a little longer than I had hoped, but I do expect that it will be available for purchase within 2 weeks or so.  Stay tuned.

“The Parenting Consultant Nightmare” is a simple explanation of the parenting consultant process, the pitfalls, how to avoid it if you can, and if you can’t, offers some communication strategies and coping techniques.  I think maybe even a parenting consultant could gain some insight into why parents often react the way they do, but it may be too much to expect for any of them to read it.  Time will tell.

Anyway, it was hard for me not to announce it months ago, but I wanted to wait until the time was right and I think it is close enough to fruition that it is time to make the announcement!





If you would like to be notified once the Parenting Consultant Nightmare is available for purchase, contact me.  It will be available through my website, Amazon and some select retailers and will cost $19.95.




:-( Sad News to Report


I am very sad to share the news I am going to share with you.  As soon as I saw the headline, I wondered if it was the same country star I had written about in a previous post.  I am very sad to say that it was.

The prolonged court battles take quite a tool on people.  I wish the court would know how much damage it really does.  I wish I had had a chance to speak to Mindy McCready.  It may not have had made any difference though.  There are some people who fall into addictions and cannot be helped, at least not without facing the addiction demon first.  
You will hear Mindy’s story and I already can see that the press is making it all about drug and alcohol issues and downplaying the effects of the family court nightmare.  I do not know which was a problem first.  All I know is this woman hurt and nothing the family court did helped those children.  Those children now have no opportunity to know their mother.
I have said before, I don’t have all the answers.  What I do know is how custody battles can shred people and destroy lives.  Liars win and protective parents are misunderstood and misjudged.
God bless all of you readers who struggle with this on a daily basis.  By the grace of God, I made it through.  I knew that because of the knowledge I had that I had to help people.  I swore to God that if he brought me and my children through, I would do just that.  If you are reaching the end of your rope, hold on and reach out to someone who will help you.  Please call me and let’s take stock of your situation and try to turn it around.  I really am in your corner and I know what it is like.  I am not one of “them”.





Like a Fly on the Wall


Every once in a while I hear a song that sounds perfect for the high conflict co-parenting situation and my own metamorphosis from victim to strong outspoken advocate.  These lyrics grabbed me.  See what you think if you apply them to your own situation.

If you could just see it all just like a fly on the wall, would you be able to accept what you can’t control?

The fights are exhausting and frightening, this I do know.  Can you start to separate your life from the high conflict court mind control and time that you hold with your children and not let it in?  Sometimes, we create our own prison.







Let Them Surround You


 

Are you being beaten down by a parenting consultant, another court authority or your ex?  Have they convinced you that you are a horrible parent or that you might be crazy?  Don’t let them do that to you.

I am certain that you most likely have some people in your life who love you, care about you and are amazed at your strength and your perseverance.  They know you are not perfect, but they also know that you are not a monster and you should not have to put up with the accusations and insanity that comes by way of a nasty, bitter, ugly divorce and coparenting situation.  Those people are the people who matter and they outnumber your attackers.  Keep them near you.

What I am suggesting to you is to do the math.  Quite possibly, there are three to four people who are making your life hell.  Those people are in the minority.  They do not count and they are not worth using your energy on.  The players are probably the following:

        1. Your ex
        2. A parenting Consultant
        3. A Family Court Judge
        4. A Guardian ad Litem

That is it.  The maximum number of hellions in your life.  Their opinions of you do not matter worth a hill of beans in the scheme of your life.  They are in a system in which they choose a winner and a loser.  That is just the nature of the family court beast.

If you have five or more people in your life who build you up, love you, and believe in you, those other people are outnumbered.  Why do people tend to believe the voice of the few over the voice of many?  Why do you take to heart those things that are said to cut you down by those who don’t matter, instead of basking in the words of the people who are there for you and are in the majority when it comes to the court of public opinion and know the truth about you?  Think it through.  Think of the family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors and compare the numbers.  If you do, you will find that the numbers are on your side.  Let yourself be surrounded by people who matter, people who will still be in your life after your children are grown and the family court experience
is only a painful memory.  I am also in your corner because I know the truth.  Family court authorities do not know you.  They do not know your child.  They are not going to take the time to get to know anyone.  It may appear to you that they have gotten friendly with your ex, but it is doubtful they give your ex the time of day either.  That may be your perception.

You may want to believe that because they don’t like you, they do like your ex.  The reality is that they probably think very little about either of you.  The court authorities see cases like yours day after day after day.  They think you are all the same.  They do not know what it is like to have to live with the eyes of the court on you year after year.  It is horrifying.  Because they are never going to understand how it makes you feel, they are never going to understand your reactions to it and they are going to draw the wrong conclusions.

The people who are close to you and support you have seen the toll it is taking on you.  You owe it to yourself to let them be the loudest voice you hear.  If they are telling you that you are a great parent and you are not crazy and that you really are under attack, you owe it to yourself and them to ignore the others and focus on what it true. 

*Image courtesy of Ventrilock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 





The Parenting Consultant Nightmare is Now Available!





Its here.  It’s here!!!  Much later than I had hoped, but it is here!  Editing is a tedious process and I have learned that for future books, but hopefully that makes this title user friendly. 

I am not a lawyer and I am not a psychologist, but this book has tips you need to avoid a Parenting Consultant Nightmare for your family.  If you read it and think that your parenting consultant should read it, do not give it to them personally.  Email me with their info and I will make them aware of the book and encourage them to read it.  You might get in trouble with your pc for implying they do not know what they are doing.  Allow me to take the risk for you!

Also, tell anyone you know who is living in Family Court hell that there is a guide to parenting consultants now available.

Buy it today on Amazon or Create space





Clarity about the Parenting Consultant Nightmare




I am a little baffled when I reach out to people to make them aware of my book and they vehemently decline to have anything to do with it, thinking that it is promoting the use of Parenting Consultants or Parent Coordinators.  That is absolutely the opposite of what my point of publishing this book was all about.

Is everyone missing the word “nightmare” in the title?  It is called, “The Parenting Consultant Nightmare” for a reason.  I could have called it, “The Parenting Consultant Myth”, or “The Parenting Consultant Lie”, too.  The purpose of the book is to try to get to people before they sign on with a pc so that they know the reality of what having a meddling court authority in your life entails.  I also made the book a user guide to pcs because one reality is if you have a high conflict divorce situation, then you most likely have had a pc appointed.  Pcs are handed out by the family court, judges and promoted by attorneys like candy to a child.  Heavily promoted as “help” when they are anything but help!

Anyway, there seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding about my book, so let me clear that up right now.

I have been helping people in regards to the truth about Family Court for 15 years.  My own case was fed by family court and its authorities, even though we had little in the way of assets to fight over and very little money to spend in the family court, but because of the relationship between my ex and I, we slipped into the family court quicksand looking for remedies.  I learned a little too late that the only real remedy in family court is the equivalent of a prison cell.  If you go down the path of third party “neutral” problem solvers, your life is no longer your own and the remedy of a parenting consultant/coordinator appointment means that you lose control of the legal custody of your children.  That is what you give up when you sign up with a pc or even a guardian ad litem.

So why the book?  When I work with parents who have a pc that they cannot get removed from their case, they learn the realities of what has been imposed on their life and their children’s lives.  From someone who has experienced it firsthand, who is not an attorney, they can hear the truth about the trap in terms that you and I can understand, rather than the legal lingo that doesn’t make sense to most of us court outsiders.  I cannot help them get rid of a pc, but if I can get to people prior to the appointment of a pc, I do help them avoid signing up for that kind of hell, but if they already have the court order, the most I can do is help them minimize the effects in their life.

Usually, people come to me when they are at their wit’s end.  They are emotionally, physically and financially exhausted and they do not know where to turn.  Attorneys do not offer anything helpful at this point.  They just refer people to the pc or tell them it is what it is, deal with it, and send people away with a nice bill for the advice they gave.  They have no idea how overwhelming the whole process is for someone who just wants their right to parent their child back.  After some straight talk with me, they feel better and they have some clarity.  They might be angry that no one stopped them from signing an agreement appointing a parenting consultant/coordinator, but they finally feel heard and understood.  They are also, hopefully, empowered after talking to me, even for just a couple hours.  Everyone I have worked with has suggested that I become a pc, a lawyer or that I write a book.  I took their advice on two of those suggestions.

The last thing I ever expected in my life was to have the crazy eight year battle I had in the family court.  The last thing I ever expected, in any way, was to be a part of this crazy system as a career choice.  I set out on this journey knowing that it is my calling.  I got the call from God to use this knowledge and not to waste all the truth I had and experience received from the school of hard knocks that is the family court system.  This knowledge was given to me so that I would be an active participant in life and appreciate the gifts I had and teach others to choose not to waste their lives or their parenting stuck in the system.  There has absolutely been some divine intervention that put me on the right path.

Ten years ago, I never would have put my thoughts on a blog for the world to read.  That would have scared me to death.  But I knew I had to help people who would come into the system after me.  I wanted to avoid like the plague including the role of parenting consultant in my business, but then my clients begged me to reconsider.  They felt that because I knew how meddling most pcs were, I could offer the services of a parenting consultant of a different breed.  I took it to heart. I am what some would call the reluctant pc, but I do know it is necessary.  I am hoping to build my practice so that I can train more pcs to act responsibly in the role.  No meddling, just decision making. I am working with the family innocence project to find a new way to lift up our families, rather than tear them apart, even when they must choose divorce. Some relationships are toxic and you should be able to correct the wrong choice in a partner, but you also must be protected from the injustice of the family court system.  Now, the person who I am today, can write a book to offer help and hope to those stuck with communication tips and coping strategies.  That is what my book is, a guide for you and I have put it out there without fear of the ramifications of doing so.

So, from the beginning, my clients encouraged me to offer pc services.  I offer that, but also try to dissuade people from starting down that path.  If they already are court ordered to have a pc, then I will take that case on without all the meddling and nonsense that goes with it.

Clients also encouraged, well actually, begged me, to write a book about parenting consultants and I have.  I do not understand the comments people give me against the book, thinking it promotes parenting consultants/coordinators.  It absolutely does not.  Read it and count how many times I suggest that if you do not have a parenting consultant, not to ever agree to have one!

The only thing I have not done that people have begged me to do is to become an attorney.  I am happy with where I am at in life and career.  As an attorney I would have to “play ball” and respect judges and other attorneys, court authorities when I would not truly have respect for them.  I will not do that.  I will not support this system that destroys families and children in that way.  As a coach though, I can be the one person on your side.  The one person to bring sanity to an absolutely insane situation.  So that is why I do what I do.

Consider buying the book so that you can learn the truth about my book and why I do the things I do.  And stay tuned, more books are on the way, exposing more reality about the family court system.  Just in case you are wondering, I am not one of them.  If you want to know more about me and why I do what I do, give me a call!