Saturday Songs-The Reason

Music is one of my passions.  It has helped me get through many painful life situations, helped me realize how deep my love can go and also helped me grow in faith.  When I went through difficult Family Court situations, this song helped me understand that I could change for my children.  Whenever I hear it, I think of my kids and the sacrifice I made to free them from a difficult situation that I had a hand in creating.  Because I helped create it, I could also be instrumental in undoing it.  You can, too.  What better reason to change than to be a powerful parent for your children?

Happy Saturday!  Blessings to you and your children.

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Marital Advice and Marital Mediation

Here is a video from Henry Winkler offering the secret to a long marriage.  There is a lot if truth in what he says and it doesn’t matter if you are married, divorced people trying to co-parent, a parent and child relationship in conflict or even experiencing issues between friends.  It is not about how you meant it, but how it lands!  See what Henry Winkler says…

 

 

Many people do not know that Life’s Doors Mediation offers much more than divorce services.  We also offer Marital Mediation and relationship coaching services.  Our goals is to improve relationships.  No matter where two people are in their relationship, they can move beyond conflict and reach a peaceful coexistence.  We’ve had married couples and unmarried couples come in to learn communication and conflict management skills without any mediation at all, but we have also helped parents with teenage children and couples who are struggling to stay together negotiate their way to a workable relationship through non legal mediation processes.  Agreements do not have to be written.  It gives people a chance to discuss their needs in the relationship and try to get to a place of understanding from the other side.  Many couples want to discuss their needs and desires and agree to a way forward.  Couples who use marital mediation can avoid divorce, but it has nothing to do with any court process.  It is simply an agreement between two people.  The agreement can be written or simply be a verbal agreement.  It is a matter between the two people involved whether they wish an agreement be written or not.  Because these types of agreements are usually not very involved, the fees are much lower than it would be for a court involved case.

If you would like more information on informal marital or relationship mediation, please contact Susan Carpenter at Life’s Doors Mediation via phone, 763-566-2282 or email: susan@lifesdoorsmediation.com.  You may also want to check out High Conflict U for our relationship, communication and conflict skill building classes and programs.  There are times when you may be able to save your marriage or restore a relationship.  As Henry Winkler said, both people have to willing.  If that is where you are at, despite any problems you are having, reach out and see if Life’s Doors Mediation or High Conflict U may be able to help.

Leavers vs. the Left from lessonsfromtheendofamarriage

This piece, about what happens to the people that leave relationships abruptly and/or with deception, caused quite a stir on Facebook recently. The comments fell into two camps: “Thank you for validating my experience” and “I’m the one who left my marriage and I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy.” The reaction got me […]

via The End of a Relationship: The Leavers and The Left — Lessons From the End of a Marriage

Mandated Relationships

PAS statement from APA image by Susan Carpenter

We live in an age where state authorities have taken it upon themselves to mandate relationships.  As crazy as it sounds, that is what they do.  We also have the court system creating syndromes where none exist.  This is done so that people who are incapable of developing and maintaining relationships on their own, can force others to be in relationship with them.  We have judges who want to play along in this little game of mandating relationships, and lawyers who allow it to happen because they can earn a lot of money doing so.

Read the latest, in a string of state control over children, from West Bloomfield, Michigan:

Judge Locks Up Kids for Refusing to Have lunch With Dad

This is all such a farce for several reasons!  First off, I contend that only an abusive parent would force their children to have a relationship with them.  As difficult as it is, if the other parent is lying about you, but you are able to spend time with your children, the children will know how you treat them when they are with you.  Children know.  Children are not stupid.  Children come to know the truth, as they experience it, not by what is written, not by what is told to them, but by their life experience of the time they spend with you.

 

Background Image courtesy of arztsamui at freedigitalphotos.net
Background Image courtesy of arztsamui at freedigitalphotos.net

Why this judge is participating in a farce:

1. The state’s only interest in the parent-child relationship is due to the state ensuring “the Best Interest of the Child”.  Removing children from the safety of their home and both parents is not in their best interest, and will harm them in a FAR greater way than if they are not spending time with one parent.  It may be harmful if they are being denied time with a parent, but we all know that children find a way to do what they want to do, especially as they get older.

2. If this judge truly believes that PAS is the problem here, then she would hold the mother accountable and not the children.  Stop punishing the victims!

3. A reasonable parent would realize that court “forced” interaction with anyone will not deepen anyone’s affection for you.  Maybe the father should ask for court ordered therapy sessions where they may get to the bottom of what is happening and work on their relationship.  This would afford an opportunity to repair a broken relationship, and not demand “parental rights”.

I realize that there is much more to ANY court story than meets the eye.  I will try and research this case to find out more information, but until then, on the surface, it is pretty pathetic.  Both parents and the professionals on this case are failing the children and I hope, for the children’s sake, that someone will do the right thing!

The Best Revenge on an Ex-Updated

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This article was originally posted on May 18, 2011.  Due to its popularity, I thought I’d re-post it.

When hit with divorce some people decide that their life is over. They think that in order to be a good parent, they must make sacrifices. They decide that dating has to wait until the children are grown, or they decide that they must be alone FOREVER.

There are always those people who decide that “all men are scum!” or that “all women are man haters!” While it certainly feels that way as you try to heal the wounds of divorce, those statements are blatantly false. Just because one person hurt you, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a loving man or woman out there who has been hurt just as badly, and would love to find someone like you. Many people are looking for a decent, loving individual, with whom they can build a new life, but instead, they do not allow themselves to seek out a potential mate.

It is called fear, people. Fear holds them back from true happiness. Those who live in fear never get to live life to the fullest. They miss out on the joy life can bring. They miss out on sharing a life with someone wonderful.

We can take our past experiences and let them continue to hurt us, or we could chalk it up to experience and hop right back on that bicycle and try it again. What I think people find through dating, especially when they are a little older and have been through divorce, is that they matter, and that they are more beautiful and desirable than they think they are.

The period following divorce can be a chance to learn about yourself. It can be a time to figure out who you are and what your interests are. You can try people on for size and it will help you find the right one for you. Just because the last one turned out to be the wrong one, that is no reason to give up and hide under the covers. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Just make sure that you have examined your part in the failed relationship and that you are emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship before you get deeply involved with a new mate. It will save many headaches later if you get your act together!

I have another take on that whole “sacrificing for the children” belief. I think that when you swear off dating, you are robbing your children of a good example. Here’s why: Since you ended up divorced, that was probably not the best example of a healthy relationship. Did you fight? Was there chemical dependency involved? Was your ex physically and verbally abusive? Children learn by modeling. They observe the relationships they see and it leaves an impression on them. The kind of relationship they witness will be the relationship they seek out in their own lives and they will do so without even knowing they are doing it.

One day, they will choose a significant other and have a relationship just like their parents had. Why? Because this is what a relationship looks like to them. Do you want that? Would it be better to show your children how to date selectively and then hopefully find that special person with whom you can have a healthy, lasting relationship with? What a great model to give them, especially if all of the relationships around them haven’t always been the healthiest! Do this for you, but also for your children, and for that new person you have yet to meet, the one who is just as lonely as you are. You just might surprise yourself and find the right one. I know I have.

Keep in mind that there is another reason to open your heart and mind to love, and all of the possibilities in life. Your ex. While I would never recommend dating just to get back at your ex, I do think the best revenge on an ex is for them to see you blissfully happy and successful in life! Go ahead. Have the last laugh.

 

New Relationships Based on Shared Divorce Experiences

Adorable Young Couple Kissing by stockimages

As a relationship coach, I often encourage those who have divorced to start dating again.  I think it is important to give your children an example of a healthy relationship, and it is important for you to heal and move on.  I’m not saying that you cannot survive on your own.  I am only saying that life is more enjoyable when it is shared.  We need other people to support us, emotionally, and we need to have someone who is always there for us when we need them.  We can have supportive friends in our lives, but that is not the same thing as having someone who has committed themselves to walking your journey with you, no matter what.  Because I advocate for dating after divorce, I hate to be a wet blanket on those who think they have found someone, but I always stress healthy relationships, not just having any relationship.  This means that you need to be healthy first, and find someone else who is healthy, too.  In this day and age, that in itself is a tall order.

Be careful to find someone with whom you have a lot in common.  Yes, opposites can attract, and you should have some separate interests, but be careful about the foundation of your relationship.  I have seen numerous times where a couple gets together based on their hatred of their exes, and the common experience of a high conflict divorce.  The experience is not something that many people understand so when you find someone who gets it, you feel like you have struck gold.  However, when the only thing you have in common is what is hopefully only a temporary experience, you may be setting yourself up for failure.  What happens when the kids are grown and this experience becomes a distant memory?  It may seem like this will be your life forever, but the truth is, it won’t be.

Sometimes one person is able to move beyond that conflict and the other person is not.  What happens to your relationship then?  If you have grown beyond it, but your new partner stays stuck in resentment, will that make you feel differently about them?  Married couples who stay together only because of their children also find out that there is nothing there once the children move out.  Those couples can learn to rebuild a relationship, but that is pretty rare.  There is a better chance of staying together when you have many building blocks in your relationship foundation.

When you search for a new relationship, try to think in overall terms of your life and what you hope to accomplish in the future.  Look at the events of your life to see what is going to be temporary and what will be more permanent.  While divorce is permanent, divorce difficulties are temporary.  Believe that both of you will move past this one day.  Having children to raise is also permanent, but temporary in the fact that those children will become adults with lives of their own, and they will not need you as much.  Find a partner that your want to live with through good times and bad, with small children at home or grown children out of the home.  Before getting too involved with anyone, think about what life is like now, and in the future, and in the other person’s life now and in their future, and discuss how you see that future together.

When a relationship has its roots in a temporary situation, the relationship may be doomed to be only temporary.  If you want something to last long term, you will have to choose a mate who loves so much about you that they will ride all temporary and permanent life events with you.  What is it that attracts you to the other person?  What attracts the other person to you?  If you are afraid to ask them that question then you are not in a healthy relationship.  If you are together because you were able to talk for hours about the similarities in your divorce experiences, realize that those experiences have a basis in the involvement of two other people, too.  What else do you have to talk about?

I have seen a few times where a relationship is based on both people being involved in high conflict divorce and nothing else.  Each time, these relationships have failed.  There is nothing wrong with failed relationships because we do learn from them, but when children are involved, I urge you to be cautious.  Conflicts always involve two people.  Think about that.  Examine how each of you handles conflict because you just may repeat the cycle.  That would be more damaging to your kids than staying alone.  As always, don’t rush into anything before you are ready.  Divorce is a period of time when a person will go through great change.  Hopefully you and your new partner will come out as better people, the unfortunate truth is that not everyone does.  Make sure that you have healed enough to be in a relationship with someone because if you have not done the work you need to do on yourself, these issues will creep into this relationship, too.