This piece, about what happens to the people that leave relationships abruptly and/or with deception, caused quite a stir on Facebook recently. The comments fell into two camps: “Thank you for validating my experience” and “I’m the one who left my marriage and I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy.” The reaction got me […]
Life’s Doors Mediation offers services for individuals, couples and families. Many people are not aware that mediation works for all forms of conflict. You don’t have to be going through divorce to try mediation. I also offer marital mediation so that a couple can work on saving their marriage. Whether you try to piece a marriage back together, or work out a better co-parenting relationship after divorce, the benefits are far greater than what you will experience as a couple. If you have children, they will also benefit. They will learn that forgiveness can happen, and that all is not lost when someone makes a mistake. Extended family, neighbors, and coworkers also benefit when you learn peaceful ways to resolve conflict. Everyone can benefit from taking the time to resolve conflict, rather than avoid it. Avoiding conflict is nothing more than delaying resolution. Conflict will either stay the same or build up, over time. You can try to hide from it, but it has a sneaky way of creeping up on you when you least expect it and are the least equipped to deal with it.
If you are struggling in a relationship, consider scheduling an appointment for coaching, or mediation. While some relationships cannot and should not be mended, such as abusive, coercive or those involving substance dependency, many relationships can be repaired.
*The following is a report from 11-5-2011
How important is sex? Sex should not be the entire basis of a relationship, but it is important for the survival of a relationship. A healthy sex life helps couples feel connected.
Not only is sex a key ingredient to a lasting relationship, according to this article from Web MD, there are many health benefits from a healthy sex life, also.
Web MD lists among the health benefits: stress relief, an immunity boost, burning off calories, improved heart health, greater self-esteem, increased intimacy, less pain, reduced risk of prostate cancer, stronger pelvic floor muscles, and better sleep. Read the article for more details, but you cannot argue with those great benefits to your health.
Why is sex important for men? Men need a physical release, especially when they are feeling stressed. Sex is a wonderful physical activity that they can share with their partner. Men can participate in sports or other physical activity, but sex is a lot more fun. They don’t often get to share those other activities with their partner so sex is a way for men to spend time with the women they love. Men use sex to show the woman in their life that they love them. Sometimes men cannot communicate feelings with words. Since being close physically is one of the ways men signal to a woman they love her, they can feel rejected if their partner loses interest in sex. Ladies, if you have lost interest in sex, talk to your man about why. He needs to know if you are not having your needs met or if there is another reason that sex no longer interests you. If you tell a man what he can do to make sex enjoyable for you, he will want to do it. Men want to know what makes you feel good. They don’t always know what that is. Never criticize, but tell them honestly what drives you wild. You’ll be surprised at how great sex can be when a man no longer has to guess.
Why do women lose interest in sex? Women need to have their emotional needs met in order to feel good about having sex. If a woman doesn’t feel respected, she will lose desire. If she is really stressed out or just plain too tired from chasing kids around all day, she won’t have the energy. Women sometimes feel self-conscious about sex. As their bodies change from pregnancy and childbirth to menopause, they may feel unattractive. Men, you can help by reassuring her that you love her body. Tell her she is sexy and the only woman you want to be with. Also, if you have young children and she feels run ragged, try to plan a day off for her. Allow her time to work out, get a massage, or have a night out with friends. If you can take care of the kids, by all means, do that. If that is not the best option, get a babysitter. Schedule certain days whenever possible that are Mom’s days off. Even if it can only be once a month, it helps.
Ladies, you don’t have to be a size 6 to be desirable. Great sex is about confidence. If you love your body, so will your man! Relax and enjoy the physical time together. Immerse yourself completely into the moment. Try not to think about the kids or work or anything else. A woman who is distracted will not get the most pleasure out of sex that she could.
If you have become stuck in a rut and sex has become non-existent, you can change that. Ask your partner if they are willing to talk about it. Tell them that you would like to rekindle your sex life. If it’s been a while since you’ve shared that physical closeness, spend some time reconnecting as a couple. Spend time together relaxing and having fun. Touch each other, not just as foreplay. Touch each other throughout the day. A simple kiss or hug, maybe just lightly touching a shoulder or back can restart that physical connection needed to bring back desire. If necessary, see a therapist or a physician. There could be a medical reason why desire has been lost. You can always see a relationship coach, too. If your partner wants to talk about your sex life, take it to heart. If sex is important to your partner, they are not going to wait around forever. Don’t help them decide to look for someone else, help them love and desire you.
Relationship problems suck. They really do. When you are married, relationship problems suck even more. When you have children, the stakes are extremely high.
As a coach, I talk to people who are looking for help. They may want to try communication coaching. Sometimes, one or both partners have anger issues, and they might want to look into Anger Management. They may even be contemplating divorce.
Divorce will scare the crap out of you. Sometimes, it is sprung on you. Your spouse has determined, without talking to you about it, that they want a divorce. They have thought it over for a long time, and come to the decision. You can’t change their mind. It is done.
Other times, you talk together about how the relationship is not working. This is a great time to act. Even if you think this is not a great time because you are on the brink of divorce, it really is an opportunity. There is something positive in the fact that you have been able to talk about this together. That shows promise!
For parents of small children, you really need to see the opportunity in this situation. While some couples will choose to divorce, others may find that they don’t have to. If no one has come to the divorce decision yet, there is still time, and there is certainly a lot of wisdom in waiting to make that decision while you spend time working on your issues.
Relationship problems are a two-way street. It is rarely about the actions of just one person in a couple. The relationship didn’t start out sour. If it had, why would you have gotten married? Why would you have had a child together? There was potential there and most likely still is.
The question you have to ask yourself is this: If I need to make some changes to improve my relationship, should I do it now, in an effort to save my marriage, or should I do it later, to work on the co-parenting relationship? If you and your spouse have a child together, you are going to have to continue to build that relationship, aren’t you? If you have trust or anger issues in your marriage, won’t you still have them in the co-parenting relationship, too?
When a relationship has problems, most people seem to know where their own personal weakness lies. They often know, or are willing to learn about their faults. If the two people are willing to make changes to improve their lives, it would be better to do it now, before more damage is done, than to have to do it later. Just something to consider.
Divorce was a good thing for me. I am not sure my children would agree that it was a good thing for them. Divorce might be a good thing for you but it might be worth really making sure that you cannot salvage that relationship, especially if you have children who end up being part of that relationship forever, no matter what it becomes.
All of Mark Gungor’s Videos are worth the watch. Today I am sharing a few of my favorites with you. Very funny, but points worth taking! This one is for the ladies.
Video number 2 is also very funny and points worth taking for the guys!
Video number 3 is for the men and the ladies!
This is a reminder that the Divorce Support Group at Brooklyn United Methodist Church starts on Monday, October 15, 2012 at 7 PM. We will meet in the library. All are welcome. There is no fee for this group, so please stop by.
No matter where you are at in the process of divorce, whether you are thinking about divorce, just started the legal process, have been divorced for a few days or several years, you are welcome to join. Also, if you are divorced and struggling with a hostile coparenting situation, you will find support in this group as well. Depending on how much interest there is, we may split the group into a divorce support group and a coparenting support group. Your participation is the group is strictly confidential.
If you have any questions, please call me at 763-486-6906 or email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I hope to see you there! Have a great weekend!
For some reason, I could not add the next schedule of classes to the calendar, but if there is a class or group coming up, I will always post it on the blog. The only event scheduled for October is the divorce support group, starting tomorrow evening at Brooklyn United Methodist Church, in Brooklyn Center, MN. I hope that if you are in the area and struggling with divorce, you will join us.
Do not forget that if you do not live in the area, but could use some ongoing support, the court battle forum is available as well.
Have a great afternoon!
*The following is a repost from 8-9-11
It is shocking, sometimes, the level of nastiness a divorce can sink to. The problems are not just in United States divorce cases. You can read about this nastiness online around the world. I saw this case on the news today. What do you think? Was this a set up? Should what someone does in their personal life affect a custody decision? Does the decision to drink and drive show poor judgment on the part of a parent? Should they lose custody or have visitation limited? What do you think?
It all reminds me of War of the Roses just a bit!
And if you have ever seen War of the Roses, here is the infamous car scene!
When I decided to go into business as a mediator, part of my plan was to do divorce coaching, as well as, divorce and coparenting support groups. It took time to put everything together because when I started this, I still had a year left of weekend college to complete my bachelor’s degree in psychology. There were many things to do just to start out doing mediation. It was exciting and overwhelming, all at the same time.
One thing that new business owners do to attract business is to send out introduction letters and business cards. I sent information to local attorneys and all of my friends and acquaintences. I made some phone calls, also, when I had time. Those things helped, but I was always thinking about other places to target.
When I set out to help people, my original thinking was that I would become a licensed psychologist and help people stay out of the court system. I also wanted to help them find their passions and follow their dreams, not to stay stuck in the sadness that comes from divorce and prolonged court battles. Through divine intervention I was brought to training as a family court mediator. I knew this was my calling. Everything just clicked. My world was changed. I was no longer waiting to find out what I would do with my psychology degree. I knew that mediation fit perfectly into the way I wanted to help people and to fill in the gaps between mediation cases, I decided to do divorce and life coaching. It all worked very well together and even though the two roles are very different, together they meet my goals and are the perfect vehicles for me to shine through my passions and deliver hope to those going through divorce and life struggles.
One day I took the day off from my day job to work on my websites and other business related things. These are all the fun things I do. Honestly, everyone should have an office! You cannot being to know how hard you will work and how many hours you will put in when you are working for your own success. I can spend all day and evening working on my business and be completely happy if I did not make a dime because I know that some days I will bring in money. It is amazing! I do it because I have a passion for helping people. My passion has two parts to it, it makes me happy to be my own boss, but I also really enjoy helping people. On this particluar day, I realized that I should send information to local divorce support groups. People who attend those groups would probably be interested in knowing about my mediation services and my divorce and coparent coaching. I was very surprised to find that there was not much out there in the way of support groups. Those I did find, I sent information to, although about one fourth of those were returned to me because those groups were no longer functioning. I also made some calls to area churches, hoping to find support groups out there, but most churches told me that they didn’t have any groups. That was very surprising to me because when I started out with the divorce process in 1998, I went to a group at my church.
I attended church sporadically while I was going to weekend college. Sundays were a very good day to get homework done! It was always my plan to get back to church after graduation and so when the time came, I returned to my church. I tried some other churches, but Brooklyn United Methodist was my home and no other church felt right to me. I approached them with an offer to facilitate a divorce support group. They welcomed the opportunity. We do not have all of the details in place yet, but we are working on it. The church has a new pastor and he needed a little time to get acclimated before we could work on the logistics of a group, but it will be happening by this fall at the latest.
If you live near Brooklyn Center and are interested in attending a divorce support group, feel free to contact me. Even if you are not a church goer, are not Methodist, and have not attended a group before, I invite you to you to stay tuned for updates. Once everything is set, I will post all the details. The group calendar will be on my coaching website so please bookmark that and keep checking back. Currently, the church welcomes a divorce support group, but I will be offering a coparenting support group, as well, and no, they are not the same things. Coparenting hell is a different animal than mourning the loss of a marriage/spouse.
I am very excited to have this chance to serve. There will be no charge for these support groups. This is my way of giving back for the divine intervention that has lead me to wonderful opportunities in my life and a way to serve my community. I think it is important to share with people in need and show them how life difficulties can be overcome. Rumor has it that when there was a support group at this church years ago, some people wound up as couples! I can’t promise that kind of experience, but I can promise you that you will be supported and have a chance to spend time with others who are struggling with the same things that you are.
It will get posted here when things are all in place! Until then, you can always talk to me individually, or sign up for the my court battle forum to chat with others in your same situation. Have a great weekend!