Victim in the System Basic Course

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I know things have been pretty quiet on the blog lately, but I have been working hard with a new focus. My passion lies with helping parents. Believe me when I tell you that parents can make it through high conflict divorce. Parents can be of great support to their children in the midst of living a nightmare. Parents can be amazing parents, even when they are co-parenting in a high conflict or highly abusive custody situation. Sometimes, you just have to gain a little knowledge and a lot of confidence.

I am working very diligently to brand our new Divorce and Education Center, High Conflict U, and get all of our programs off and running. The latest is a basic free e-course called, “Victim in the System Basic”. Check it out and if you like it, consider signing up for our in-depth “Victim in the System Advanced” paid course. Also remember that we offer coaching services to any parent who is stuck in a high conflict nightmare. You can find out more about all the services provided at Life’s Doors Mediation and High Conflict U by visiting my website.

Take just a few minutes to go through my latest free e-course:

Victim in the System Basic Free E-Course

You can also check out the new website that is all about High Conflict U.

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Renewal

Light Path by dan
Image courtesy of Dan at freedigitalphotos.net

 

When I started my journey to help parents, the goal was to save them from the confusion I knew they felt and to make their journey shorter and less painful than the one I had walked.  I felt called to be a guide, a teacher and provide comfort when I could.  I never promised to have all the answers.  We are all human, after all.  We need that higher power.  We need to believe in something greater than ourselves.  We need hope that there is much more to the journey than our current situation.  We need hope.

I spent the time of my story all alone.  I was alone because I could not find anyone else who really understood.  I started out scared and alone, just me and my two boys, but I did ask God for help.  I did not think he was helping so I quickly dismissed God and searched for someone or something else.  When I did that, there was nothing but me and the prison I was building for myself.

When I was finally tired of my lonely misery and found no one else who understood or had real knowledge I turned back to God and found he was always there.  He had never left me.  I was simply refusing to see him, to hear him and to trust him.  When I gave in to what he was doing, my life changed.  I was freed from a prison that really only existed in my own mind.  The door had always been open for me to walk through.

I was blessed and I wanted to share that blessing, that peace, that freedom with others who were held captive in their imaginary prisons.  I wanted them to see what I finally saw.  The door to your prison is already open.  You simply have to walk through it!

I went on to walk a new journey of helping parents escape the pain of divorce and high conflict custody battles.  Those who are open to change receive great rewards.  I share with them the secret to conquering Family Court and painful relationships.

While I am a mediator, parenting consultant, and parenting time expeditor in Minnesota, and I enjoy that work to a degree, those roles offer limited success.  Results depend on the good faith of the individuals involved.  The success or failure comes from the skills and abilities of the parents themselves and their desire to escape their own prison.

What I really enjoy is teaching.  It is in the one on one work that I do where I see dramatic results for parents.  It even works for high conflict families.  How wonderful it is to see fear and anxiety replaced with peace and confidence and to see that spill over for children.  Parents living peace and confidence are able to offer so much more to their children than are parents who struggle with pain and trauma.  Pain and trauma will not help you find your way out of a paper bag!  Pain, trauma and the stress of a journey through the darkness of family court, leaves you stuck.  Fumbling and stumbling because you aren’t aware of your true power makes you rely on professionals to light the way.   What you do not realize is most of the professionals don’t know the way either.  Even if they do, the professionals will not light your path for you.  They are trying to show you where the light is.  You have to take it.  It is not the lawyer’s job to teach you.  It is not the mediator’s job to teach you.  It isn’t the parenting coordinator’s job to teach you.  In some cases, I have made it my job to teach, but I can only do that in the one-on-one services I provide.  I’ve decided that will be my main focus in this coming year and beyond.

I will show you the way and offer guidance, but the work is up to you and you alone.  It is not easy, but you can free yourself and your children from the pain and trauma of Family Court and High Conflict divorce.  Even when your co-parent keeps inflicting more and more control, financial hardship and fear on you, there are ways to expose their attacks for what they are and find peace for your own house.

The goal of our the programs offered at Life’s Doors Mediation is to clue you in to what you do not understand so that you can free yourself from a narcissistic ex, a bipolar co-parent, toxic co-parenting and really understand why it is you feel so trapped.  We also share with you the truth about Family Court professionals.  Why don’t they seem to know what they are doing?  Why don’t lawyers help you?  Why don’t parenting consultants seem to care about domestic abuse?  We have programs that are specifically created to help victims of domestic violence.  Check out our program, Victim in the System.

 

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Victim in the System logo-a trademark of Life’s Doors Mediation

 

We also help those in High Conflict situations.  Are you tired of it yet?  Do you want out of the control?  Check out what High Conflict U has to offer.  There is even a free e-course about Parenting Consultants and Coordinators!

 

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High Conflict U-a trademark of Life’s Doors Mediation

 

You have nothing to lose!  If you have tried everything else and found no help, why not try something new in this New Year?  Pick our brains as to why your situation seems so backwards and upside down.

While Life’s Doors Mediation can only provide mediation, parenting consulting and parenting time expeditor services to parents in Minnesota, our coaching and educational programs are without limits.  We can assist anyone in the United States, or even the world, to move beyond the prison of Family Court.  You owe it to yourself and your children to try something new!  It is always a free consult.  What have you got to lose?

Trouble With a PC?

Spread the word!

Check out this new book to help guide families who have a court appointed parenting coordinator to manage their high conflict divorce!  It is called, “The Parenting Coordinator and Consultant Survival Guide” now available on Amazon.com!

This one is a must read!

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Buy Now!

Thoughts From High Conflict U

As someone who has been working for almost 20 years to help parents navigate the very choppy waters of family court, I get a fair amount of calls and emails from parents who feel overwhelmed with how off track their case has become. High conflict cases snowball into unimagineable craziness and parents desperately want […]

via Who Do You Recommend for a Parenting Coordinator or Consultant? — High Conflict U

Living Rent Free in Your Head

Image courtesy of nattavut at freedigitalphotos.net
Image courtesy of nattavut at freedigitalphotos.net

When you devote much of your day in fear of your ex, or thinking about what your ex is doing, you are allowing them to live rent free in your head.  It is completely understandable that if you have had many negative experiences with your ex and experienced a prolonged, bitter custody battle, you would become afraid of having to deal with them in the future.  Still, the best thing to do is to get them out of your head and out of your life as much as possible.

I do not want to make light of the situation.  I hope to help people move forward and stop giving their ex more attention than they deserve.  If you have become overwhelmed with thoughts and fears about your ex, you have to work on changing your thinking.  It is not going to happen over night, but it can be done.  You will have to work hard at it and things may get worse before they get better.  What I mean by that is the controlling, abusive, meddling ex will do their best to make you fail in your quest for freedom.  That is reason enough why you must do it.  When you start paying less and less attention to them and no longer cower in fear of them, they are going to get in your face a little more before they slither away and the fact remains, they may never slither away completely.  You see, the problem is not with you.  It is with them.

Your ex has been masterful at turning the tables on you and keeping you off balance.  Because their behavior is not normal, you may be confused about why they are behaving the way they are.  Worse, you may also be confused that in the real world, people view your ex as very nice, smart, thoughtful, etc.  They may have a new relationship that seems just peachy and you may be questioning if you really are the problem.  Trust me, you are not the problem.

Keep in mind that most people in the real world only get a glimpse of who your ex really is and when your ex wants to, he or she can really turn on the charm.  The same goes for the new relationship.  They must make their new partner see you as a crazy person.  It helps them ensure that you will never go near their new partner and that they will steer clear of you as well.  No one can talk to each other that way.  The angry ex’s secrets do not get divulged.  This keeps their new love in the dark about who they really are and it helps keep you wondering what the heck is going on…and they LOVE that.  Remember how they treated you early on and how wonderful you thought they were.  The new partner will also be charmed.

They LOVE having you fear them.  They LOVE living in your head rent free.  They do not even have to do anything because you fear them so much and try to anticipate what they will do next.  It feeds their ego to know that they are always on your mind.

So how do you go about changing things?

First things first, you have to put your fear behind you.  You may even need to get angry.  You also need to retrain your brain to stop any and all thoughts of your ex whenever they crop up.

Second, have a diversion.  If you are overwhelmed thinking about what your ex may or may not do about any given issue, have a friend or a hobby or even look for a new love interest and whenever you just cannot shake the evil ex thoughts, call on that person or take some time to work on it.  If you choose a hobby, make sure that it is something that will keep you busy.  Reading sometimes will not work because if your mind keeps wandering, you will not really be reading.  Try exercise, too, and some stress reduction techniques, such as deep breathing, mediation or swinging your arms back and forth for 10 minutes.  Trust me, it works.

Third, carve out “ex free” time.  When you have the luxury of your child spending time at the other parent’s house or with grandma and grandpa or their friends, carve it out.  Announce to yourself that you will not give your ex anymore time than they have already taken from you.

This can be done, trust me, I have done it.  It takes some time and some practice, but once you master retraining your brain, the less you will think about your ex or care about your ex.  It will become habit to you and you will be well on your way to a new and happier life.  One last thing, it is natural to want to put your life on hold for fear that your ex will ruin anything that makes you happy, but that is just giving them more control over your life.  You do NOT want to do that.  Write down on a piece of paper in big letters the following:

NOT ONE MORE DAY.  MY EX WILL NOT GET ONE MORE DAY OF MY LIFE.  MY EX HAS BEEN LIVING RENT FREE IN MY HEAD FOR YEARS AND TODAY IS HIS EVICTION NOTICE.  HE/SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND OUT OF MY THOUGHTS AND OUT OF MY LIFE STARTING RIGHT NOW.  I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY I AM BEING TREATED.  I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

And then go live it.  If you want to find a new love, seek them out.  Your ex may try to meddle and he/she may try to make things difficult for you in unimaginable ways, but you are stronger than he or she is.  Much stronger.  They have a sickness that they probably cannot escape, but you will choose to get healthier.  You will take steps to ensure that you never choose the same kind of psychopath as a partner again, and you won’t.  Your new love will love you and because they love you so much, they will see what your ex is doing and they will stand by you no matter what.

When you see it, you will believe it and achieve it!

Image courtesy of Nattavut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Mandated Relationships

PAS statement from APA image by Susan Carpenter

We live in an age where state authorities have taken it upon themselves to mandate relationships.  As crazy as it sounds, that is what they do.  We also have the court system creating syndromes where none exist.  This is done so that people who are incapable of developing and maintaining relationships on their own, can force others to be in relationship with them.  We have judges who want to play along in this little game of mandating relationships, and lawyers who allow it to happen because they can earn a lot of money doing so.

Read the latest, in a string of state control over children, from West Bloomfield, Michigan:

Judge Locks Up Kids for Refusing to Have lunch With Dad

This is all such a farce for several reasons!  First off, I contend that only an abusive parent would force their children to have a relationship with them.  As difficult as it is, if the other parent is lying about you, but you are able to spend time with your children, the children will know how you treat them when they are with you.  Children know.  Children are not stupid.  Children come to know the truth, as they experience it, not by what is written, not by what is told to them, but by their life experience of the time they spend with you.

 

Background Image courtesy of arztsamui at freedigitalphotos.net
Background Image courtesy of arztsamui at freedigitalphotos.net

Why this judge is participating in a farce:

1. The state’s only interest in the parent-child relationship is due to the state ensuring “the Best Interest of the Child”.  Removing children from the safety of their home and both parents is not in their best interest, and will harm them in a FAR greater way than if they are not spending time with one parent.  It may be harmful if they are being denied time with a parent, but we all know that children find a way to do what they want to do, especially as they get older.

2. If this judge truly believes that PAS is the problem here, then she would hold the mother accountable and not the children.  Stop punishing the victims!

3. A reasonable parent would realize that court “forced” interaction with anyone will not deepen anyone’s affection for you.  Maybe the father should ask for court ordered therapy sessions where they may get to the bottom of what is happening and work on their relationship.  This would afford an opportunity to repair a broken relationship, and not demand “parental rights”.

I realize that there is much more to ANY court story than meets the eye.  I will try and research this case to find out more information, but until then, on the surface, it is pretty pathetic.  Both parents and the professionals on this case are failing the children and I hope, for the children’s sake, that someone will do the right thing!

Appellate Court Cases to watch

Well, here is something that could be huge!  I remain skeptical that any state is going to win one of these.  The state courts have to take care of Domestic Relations cases, per the US Supreme Court.  State courts do little about Family Court matters, and the legislatures no longer realize it is their job to hold the judiciary accountable!  Funny, how government has become so big that no one in office understands their role anymore!  The state legislatures thinks the state supreme court rules will hold judges and lower courts accountable, while the state supreme court waits for legislatures to hold them accountable.  It’s all business as usual, while the consumers/voters who need redress suffer.  Still, let’s watch and see.

http://www.weightiermatter.com/resource-center-ddice-rico-materials/openning-brief-family-court-racketeering-case-filed-today/5246/#comment-14518

http://www.weightiermatter.com/families-fighting-back-2/california-coalition-expands-family-court-attack-to-eighth-circuit-court-of-appeals-in-briefing-filed-today/5595/

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